And so it seems almost criminal that I will be compering Bright Club this Friday. I shall be an amoeba amongst the boffins: an 8-bit bleep amid a symphony of extravagance.
Still. I have performed fellatio on a camel and therefore purchased for myself the job of MCing for the evening.
Bright Club is the 'thinking person's variety club', and this month is based on the idea of obsession. Various brainy people try and present their specialism and raise laughs along the way.
Expect references to Royston Vasey, battling statisticians, the transgender community, computer games, word nonsense and disgusting water.
I shall be a consummate host. Not because I am brainy, but because I am an expert at downing a pint of Cif and staggering about a stage in a really entertaining way.
Bright Club 7 all happens at 7.30pm this Friday at Nexus Art Cafe, Manchester. £3 in. See the event on Facebook or at Manchester Beacon.
That Cif really takes away the taste, y'know...