Having Engeljames Blunterdinck represent us in the European debt crisis can only lead to one thing: the actual day that music died.
We all remember the Eurovision classics. Boom Bang-a-Bang by the Justified Ancients of Lulu. Save All Your Kisses For Me by early 90s hop hop group The Brotherhood. And the dance routine from Making Your Mind Up, where Cheryl Baker ripped the skirt off Roy Castle.
But who's Friedrich Engels Hump Backed Whale? He's not even real, like Nicki Minaj, Rizzle Kicks and someone whose name is whatever Scrabble letters remain once you've spelled Nicki Minaj and Rizzle Kicks.
Bert And Ernie Bumper Car, who these days looks like he's wearing a mask of his own face, killed John Lennon or something when he stopped Candy Flip's Strawberry Fields Forever from getting to number one. In the Eurovision, Engelbert (number of Vanilla Ice collaborations: none) will go head-to-head with Ireland's Jedward (number of Vanilla Ice collaborations: one).Why can't we have Jedward instead? They're a shaved Zig and Zag, which means they're brilliant.
The Eurovision, which this year is in a country far away from everywhere in the world, like Australia or Aberystwyth, can only be a disaster. Let's hope Engelbert updates his performance by(un)dressing up like Rihanna and performing fellatio on an umbrella like she probably did on X Factor once. Engelhumpy Brollydonk.
Even Sun readers, who have had to learn to read on Sundays, are furious:
"To get anywhere in Eurovision in this day and age is difficult for this country. Look at Blue?? Popular boys in the UK and Europe, good looking, young and can sing... but didn't win. Old Humperdinck has no chance... I do wish him well but it will be "nill points" for you lad X"...says a reader who hasn't bought a Blue poster since the early noughties, can't spell a three-letter made-up French word, and blows passive-aggressive kisses.
We should get back to the days where we voted for our Euro entries. Bring back Andy Abraham, Scooch and Gemini, each of whom have won the contest seventeen times (verification needed). Jump-start the virtual corpse of the 200-year-old Cliff Richard (mummification needed).
We haven't got long before Scotland invades the UK. This is our Europe moment: our final countdown.
In short, if Angle Grinder Oompa Loompa doesn't win the 2012 Eurovision Song Contest, let's all kill ourselves.
Further Fats: The key change: cheesy elation or pop diazepam?