May 18, 2012

All of our pop stars are dying

Death, O where is thy Sting? He's out the back playing a zither. (I Corinthians ch15 v55)
It's bewildering and terrible how many celebrity musicians we have lost in recent times.

We're galled. We hammer our fists against the wall of death, our favourite pop names in mispelled graffiti. It's so easy to ask why. Why do people die?

Well, I've found the answer. David Cameron.

Think about it. David Cameron siezed power here in the UK in May 2010. Before then, there hadn't been any significant pop music demises for years. But with Cameron's stone-dead face looming over the despatch box like a rubbish cloud, all the chart stars we love have passed beyond.

If you don't believe me, here's a list of sad losses from May 2010 until yesterday.

It's hard not to read at this litany of sadness then look at David Cameron's gravestone complexion and not begin to wonder...*

- Donna Summer (damn you, Cameron)
- MCA (Cameron again)
- Davy Jones (Cameron)
- Whitney Houston (why, Cameron, why?)
- Gerry Raffety (Cameron's fault)
- Hendrix (have you no shame, Cameron?)
- Mike Starr (Cameron)
- Bert Jansch (there's no stopping Cameron)
- Ari Up (for goodness sake, Cameron)
- Aaliyah (Cameron)
- Malcolm McLaren (blame Cameron)
- Teddy Pendergrass (Cameron's guilty)
- Johnny Cash (stupid Cameron)
- Sparklehore (Cameron, Cameron, Cameron)
- All of the BeeGees (cause of death: Cameron)
- Captain Beefheart (Captain Cameron)
- Loleatta Holloway (oh Cameron, not her)
- Guru (killed by Cameron)
- Michael Jackson (at the hands of Dr Cameron)
- Thin Lizzy's timpani player (Cameron)
- Tom Chaplin from Keane (there's no end to Cameron's destruction)
- The Wanted (can anyone stop Cameron?)
- Roy Orbison (Cameron, public enemy number one)
- Sonia (you can't stop Cameron from deathing you)

* list may contain inaccuracies

Further Fats:: A piffling statistical analysis of the 27-club

4 comments:

Blurry Squirrel said...

You've forgotten:

Jimi Hendrix
Mika
Cliff Richard
Orbital
All the members of REM (following that horrific fondue incident)
Moby

Just kidding, nobody misses Moby.

Fat Roland said...

I did include Orbital, if you think about it. The "Roy Orbison" line includes Orbital, The Orb, Joy Orbison, Harry H Corbett and anyone else with an orb in their name / an orb in their pocket.

Tim Footman said...

David Cameron is a musician. He plays the spoons. ON THE SKULLS OF THE POOR!

Fat Roland said...

Whilst playing tuba on the penises of company directors.