Miss Adventures in sound 4

Back once again with the renegade master, people damager with the ill behavour. Theatre Of Noise spilt itself over the airwaves last night after two years hiding in a cupboard from complaining Christians.

I have fondness in my gills for this particular show, in the same way you would be more than a little thrilled if you had a little pixie living in your handbag. We played Christian guitar bands including Mae, Norma Jean and, um, Arctic Monkeys, but the show really came alive with our regular games.

1) Wax Lyrical

The beautiful Dan Dexter, radiant in his halo of hair, was pitted against me in a battle of Christian music knowledge. Because I had sold such music professionally for a number of years, I lost. Shurely some mistake? I had my leg waxed on air, which was more painful than expected because some dolt replaced the wax with gaffer tape.

2) Chainsaw Challenge

In an upside-down Jukebox Jury stylee, which I shall henceforth call Yruj Xobekuj, we voted for the worst Christian music from a beggar's choice of sub-standard CDs. Daniel Courtney, resplendent in lovely red shoes, did a great job damaging the losing CD with a power saw. Incidentally, the offending item was an album by Phillips, Craig & Dean. On their website, they ask the question "Are you enjoying life right now?" I suppose our metaphorical reply was "take this, you mother", which PC&D have done nothing to deserve other than spurn death metal in favour of their own brand of traditional snooze.

Theatre Of Noise returns on 87.7FM Manchester next Wednesday at 9pm. It's back to the Quite Early Show tonight, which is lame in comparison, but it is good training: we are like little chicks learning to fly, jumping out of our radio nest into the bird flu of the great beyond.