His master has spoken

When January 2007 was a mere baby, puking and pooing from either end of its scrawny little body, I pontificated on how HMV would fill their shelves now that chart rules on downloads have been relaxed.

Dearest reader, drink from the potion of guru soothsayer Fat Roland. A mere six days later, HMV announced they would dump the official top 40 from its stores. They will instead fashion their own singles chart from washing-up bottles, old newspapers and dog dirt.

Their PR dude said the decision was "a practical issue. If we used the new download-friendly chart in our stores, there'd be large gaps on our walls." Yes, I KNOW. I flipping TOLD you.

>Nose

Meanwhile, as January ages into long trousers, its hands unclean from nose-picking and football, chart history has been made thanks to the first ever unsigned band to score a top 40 hit.

Koopa are rockers from Essex - nevertheless, their download-only single Blag, Steal & Borrow was loved by fans. It hit the mid-weeks at 17 and made its chart debut at number 31 on Sunday.

>Anus

Of course, they haven't made history at all. Pop Will Eat Itself scored a top ten hit with Get The Girl Kill The Baddies after being dropped by their record label, so technically they were the first. But they were hippy tree-huggers and didn't wash much; maybe they will be forgotten in the anus of history. Yes, anus. It's funnier than 'annals'.

(Brain: "Isn't Koopa the name of Russell Brand's mobile phone?")

>Elbow

As January ages, its once virile body withering into a crinkled stoop, we should get more unknowns elbowing their way into the charts.

It isn't really that amazing, though. No-one buys anything in January ever. January is the month that brought us number one singles from Babylon Zoo, 2 Unlimited, Chaka Demus & Pliers, Clive Dunn, Whitetown and the Rednex.

That alone should tell you everything.

PS - it looks like Music Zone is in trouble. Yargles!