Self-pity plus needless humping reference equals blog catharsis

Do you know the worst thing about not having a computer?

I'm completely missing everything that's happening in Manchester. I missed It Felt Like A Kiss. I missed Kraftwerk. I am a technological pariah crawling street gutters, sucking heavily on car exhausts in the vague hope that one of them is an internet tube.

My phone internet is rubbish. No video. No music (it's all on my dead computer). Just ASCII renderings of cat pictures. Seriously. That's all it can cope with.

The library internet is rubbish. I'm surrounded by homeless junkies googling Wilmslow property prices whilst simultaneously shouting at children they probably just stole off the street.

Work internet is rubbish. It's more filtered than a Josh Wink record.

My week without a computer is turning into a month. When the delivery man arrives with my new kit on Tuesday, I will probably hump him. And then he'll drop my computer. And I'll have to wait another month having to do horrific real things like listen to radio, go outside into the sunshine and... shudder... speak to real people.

Real people! The horror of it all. Don't you know who I am?! *sobs*