Buyer beware: this man's an idiot

When I tell people the first ever single I bought was S'Express, I tend to take on a Ready Brek glow of musical authority. Theme From S'Express is considered to be one of the greatest acid house songs.

On seven inch single too. How switched on am I?

Except, one thing you need to understand about my early record-buying habits is this: I consistently waddled into the record shop, drooled over the cool bands... and walked out with the wrong single.

The S'Express single I own is Hey Music Lover, a track that no-one gives a flying sausage about.

I make the mistake with Madonna too. I should own Holiday or Material Girl, but alas a solitary copy of Like A Prayer sits on the edges of my music collection like a religious freak trying to wheedle her way into the cool kids group.

Adam Ant? Yeah, I own an Adam Ant single. In fact, I'm adamant that I am. What I refuse to tell you is that it was Room At The Top, which was released exactly seven hundred years, nine months and three days after he was respectable.

Feast your eyes on my Bananarama 7". Don't look too hard at the cover though, because it's their horrific collaboration with LaNaNeeNeeNooNoo.

And so it goes on. The Wonder Stuff? Dizzy. Band Aid? The second one in 1989. Soul II Soul? The one that wasn't Back To Life.

I hope you're not making the same errors and cluttering your mp3 collection with the likes of Boom Boom Pow, something other than Windowlicker, or anything by Basshunter that's not Now You're Gone.

I'm only telling you all this to save you from yourself, you know.