Jesus and me in issue 84 of Electronic Sound magazine

In issue 84 of  Electronic Sound magazine, I talk to Jesus about how he invented big beat. 

No really. The actual Jesus. He was pretty easy to track down because he's always leaving his contact card in phone boxes. Landline number, of course. He's pretty old school.

As the first paragraph goes:

“It started shortly after the sermon on the mount. I was banging on about peacemakers and being salt of the earth, but people still were sinning and blaspheming and fornicating. Right there in front of me. In front of the mount.” Jesus Christ munches another finger of his Kit Kat. “So that’s why I invented big beat.”

As you can see from the excerpt above, I took a photograph of Jesus while being farted at by a camel. That's a sampler he's holding there. He's always holding some kind of electronic music equipment. Michelangelo was always painting them out. 

In my regular column, I also launch my new social media network Fatr. It involves a Cornish pasty and Shane MacGowan and willy pills and this:

Please identify all the spiders in this gridded photograph of the Taj Mahal. Now click the box that says ‘I am not a robot’. Exactly what a robot would click: you will now be disconnected from the internet.

This is all completely serious, by the way. Please don't be laughing at it. It's not as if Electronic Sound would print a load of hot nonsense from me every month. This is a serious publication.

You can get this edition of Electronic Sound alongside previous editions - their previous issue was made of actual gold or something - on their internet website.