Ultimate 90s number one: Things can only get Doopier

As I write this latest instalment of the Ultimate 1990s Number One contest, the world seems to have gone to hell in a handbasket. Which is a phrase that is thought to have originated from the practice of guillotined heads that land in baskets, as featured in an 18th century book by Winslow Ayer about civil war. Thanks, Wikipedia.

So with that bloody backdrop in mind, let's turn our attention to the painfully trivial task of deciding, of all 1990s UK number one singles, which was the bleepiest banging tune. Here are the latest contenders in this never-ending chart battle. Of the 120+ featured so far, only 15 tracks have made it through to the next round.

The contenders

B*Witched: Blame It On The Weatherman  |  Billie: Because We Want To  |  Boyzone: When The Going Gets Tough  |  Boyzone: You Needed Me  |  Chaka Demus & Pliers: Twist And Shout  |  Cliff Richard: The Millennium Prayer  |  D:Ream: Things Can Only Get Better  |  Doop: Doop  |  Puff Daddy and Faith Evans featuring 112: I'll Be Missing You  |  Robson & Jerome: Unchained Melody / White Cliffs of Dover 

God's number one

In a 2010 blog post about Christian music, I described Cliff Richard's The Millennium Prayer as "stripping the charts of all that is good and holy". This belch of Satanic nonsense paired the words of the Lord's Prayer with the tune of Auld Lang Syne, with all the grace of a vicar performing a baptism on roller skates. The song must be exorcised from this competition, like wot they did with that spinny head girl in that Tubular Bells movie.

 

Now, I'm not saying Boyzone are Beelzebub: that's for you to decide. Two of Boyzone's six 1990s number one singles appear in this selection. One is a Comic Relief cover of a Billy Ocean song, and one prevented Geri Halliwell's Look At Me from getting to number one. So mixed fortunes. But they have no place in a bleepy banger contest.

Not a massive tune

Here is another clutch of singles that I will gladly eliminate from this competition.

Despite versions by the Beatles, the Isley Brothers, the Tremeloes and Salt N Pepa, Chaka Demus & Pliers is the only group to get Twist And Shout to the top of the UK singles chart. Its one redeeming grace is that it knocked Mr Blobby off the top spot.

I described Unchained Melody as a "massive tune" in a March 2024 edition of Ultimate 1990s Number One. However, a cover of Unchained Melody by two blokes from the TV series Soldier Soldier that, incidentally, made Simon Cowell a millionaire cannot, on any level, be described as a "massive tune". Robson & Jerome? Nope.

In the video for B*Witched's Blame It On The Weatherman, the inoffensive songsters fanny about on a soggy juggernaut. In the week this topped the charts, Underworld's Push Upstairs made a brief appearance at number 12. Underworld should have been number one. They weren't. I blame this on the B*Witched women.

Time crime

The next two tracks are bangers. They are bangier than an old banger driven by a sausage which is also known as a banger.

Is Billie Piper a better Billy than Billies Joel, Ocean or Bragg? Yes, because she went and did time travel with that phone box doctor guy who wasn't a real doctor. The music video for Because We Want To had Billie prancing about in a UFO, which is way more impressive than a Tardis. Anyway, definitely a banger. But not bleepy.

Sting sued Puff Daddy after the rapper ripped off The Police for the Notorious BIG tribute I'll Be Missing You. This is not Mr Puff's worst crime. The lyrics are appalling as is his clunky rap flow. Also not his biggest crime. He prevented Bitter Sweet Symphony from getting to number one. Also not the biggest crime. Somehow, the song is still a banger.

Is it the best thing?

This leaves us with two chart-topping acts with electronic music credentials. But are they banging enough to get through to the next round of this competition?

The Dutch duo Doop had a massive smash hit for their electro swing take on the Charleston. Their follow-up singles appropriated easy listening and ska. The video for their single Huckleberry Jam had a fart joke. Nothing good came from Doop by Doop.

And finally, you can walk my path, you can wear my shoes... After its release in early 1993, D:Ream's Things Can Only Get Better took a full year to reach number one in the charts. It then lingered in our consciousness for years thanks to New Labour. However... 

Their debut single U R The Best Thing is a better song, with Cunnah's breathless vocal delivery (Cunnah pictured above). If that had been the single under consideration here, they'd be straight through to the next round. But Better? It's almost a banger, it's almost bleepy. But not quite there.

No-one makes it through to the next round of the Labour leadership conte-- er, I mean, Ultimate 1990s Number One. Shame. And I didn't even mention Professor Brian Cox.

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