Karen O versus Brian Eno: the alternative Oscar race

The grouchy Oscars have chucked sand in the face of Yeah Yeah Yeah's frontpiece Karen O and king of ambientronicableeps Brian Eno.

It seems that neither musical genius will be allowed to vye for the Best Original Score Oscar gong at the 2010 Academy Awards. Which is a shame for Karen O for her work on Wild Things, my favourite film of 2009.

The reasons are dull and not worth going into here - thank goodness Pitchfork have done that already - but this raises an important and probably era-defining question:

How else can we decide who's better? Karen O or Brian Eno?

Here's how. (Coughs.) Gentles and ladymen, I present the 2010 award for the Best-Original-Karen-O-Or-Brian-Eno. The nominees are: Karen O and Brian Eno. Let the judging commence.

Best real name

Karen O is obviously not her real name. Her proper name is Karen Lee Orzolek, which almost rhymes Roland Orzabel. But she is trumped by the ridiculous birth moniker of Brian Eno, which is Brian Peter George St. John le Baptiste de la Salle Eno. And that rhymes with nothing - like orange, modem or Christmas tree. Best real name: Brian Eno.

Stupidest album title

Brian Eno may have thrown us a couple of bones in the shape of January 7003: Bell Studies For The Clock Of The Long Now and Lady June's Linguistic Leprosy, but Karen O clearly wins because, with It's Blitz!, she clearly loves exclamation marks whereas the bald one thinks he's above such things. Stupidest album title: Karen O.

Best inventor

I don't think the Yeah Yeah Yeahs have ever invented anything, so Karen O tumbles at the first obstacle. Brian Eno, meanwhile, invented the Windows 95 start-up sound and is often incorrectly credited with the invention of ambient music. Best inventor: Brian Eno.

General coolness

This is a close one. Brian Eno helped out Belinda Carlisle on a French album. Karen O recorded a porn theme with Kool Keith. Brian Eno works for the Liberal Democrats. Karen O made music in a Manhatten loft apartment. Brian Eno produced Coldplay. Karen O wrote a song describing what happens when you stick your finger in a light socket. Like I said, it's a close one, but the O scrapes it. General coolness: Karen O.

Tie breaker: best anagram

'Brian Eno' is an anagram of 'One Brain', while 'Karen O Out Of The Yeah Yeah Yeahs' is both an anagram of 'Yo-ho-ho! A heathy Yankee features' and 'A Nauseate Feathery Hey Hooky Ho'. Best anagram: clearly Brian Eno.

The award for the Best-Original-Karen-O-Or-Brian-Eno goes to Mr Brian Eno.

Now, Brian, can you please keep your speech to less than three minutes. ...Okay, Brian, you can stop now. Brian. Brian! Stop now, Brian. ...Brian, you're just repeating things seemingly senselessly. Stop, Brian. I think he's stuck in some kind of algorithm. Brian!