Ultimate 90s Number One: Livin' the ABBA Dream

Here is a new edition of everyone's 4,980,337th favourite blog series, Ultimate 1990s Number One. I am trawling through every UK number one single of the 1990s and deciding which is the bleepiest banger, the king of the beats, the bossest of the boss drums.

Here are 11 more hopefuls.

The contenders

Baddiel, Skinner and The Lightning Seeds: Three Lions | Bombalurina: Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Bikini | Boyz II Men: End of the Road | Erasure: Abba-esque (EP) | Gary Barlow: Forever Love | Jamiroquai: Deeper Underground | Lenny Kravitz: Fly Away | Livin' Joy: Dreamer | Partners in Kryme: Turtle Power | Westlife: Swear It Again | Wet Wet Wet: Goodnight Girl

Turtles versus Timmy

Who's better? The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles or Timmy Mallet? The Turtles are named after Italian renaissance painters, while Timmy is pretty nifty with a paintbrush. The Turtles love wielding nunchucks, while Timmy has a huge mallet. They all dress like an explosion in a Dulux factory.

The answer is neither. The heroic half-shelled Partners In Kryme and Mr Mallet's Bombalurina outfit both produced terrible songs, so they can be eliminated immediately. Incidentally, check out Timmy's cycling adventures online – they're lovely.

No, no, no

I have a whole bunch of songs I want to dismiss next. I shall try to be polite, even though the following songs make me want to rip my ears off.

I've checked the lyrics, and apparently Boyz II Men's End Of The Road isn't about roadworks. They're still going, apparently, doing reality television and performing the national anthem at sporty sport games. It's anyone's guess whether they ever completed their transition from boyz to men.

Cheshire's cheesiest pop cat Gary Barlow scored ten number one singles in the 1990s, either solo or as part of Take That. Despite his obvious songwriting prowess, I wouldn't recognise a single note of Forever Love even if you whispered it into my lughole while pantomime horsing together.

"I wish that I could fly," said Orville the du-- er, I mean, Lenny Kravitz on his 26th single Fly Away. Flying was a common theme for 1990s number one singles, with flying-themed chart toppers from R Kelly, Westlife and U2. Even Offspring reckoned they were pretty fly. Fly Away is perhaps the most asinine of the lot of them.

Here is a list of things I would rather do than listen to Westlife's Swear It Again. Chew razor blades. Snort spiders. Wear a cheese grater as underpants. Have a gong bath with Ann Widdecombe. Listen to Swear It Again twice.

Oh and Wet Wet Wet? No no no.

Eyeballs and guns  

I remember watching the Euro '96 match in which Gareth Southgate fudged a crucial penalty. I remember because, until a couple of years ago, it was the only football match I have watched all the way through. I'm not a footie lad. However, I do love The Lightning Seeds and standup comedy, so Three Lions was alright by me. The song is remarkable in that it has spent three weeks at number one in three totally separate weeks across 22 years.

I suppose, objectively speaking, Deeper Underground is a banger of a tune. However, on this blog in 2008, I wrote "There is no excuse for Jamiroquai: he makes me want to smash in my eyeballs with guns." Crikey, so much body horror on this blog. My ire has dissipated over the years, but his blend of furry-hatted squeaky cheese still misses the mark with me. Deeper Underground is from the Godzilla (1998) soundtrack, which has a Rotten Tomatoes score of 20%. Enough said.

Showing some love

Which leaves us with two electronic music contenders (pictured above). Will either of them get through to the final, or will I do my usual thing of being sniffy about both of them?

Dreamer was Paolo and Gianni Visnadi's attempt to emulate Robin S's Show Me Love. Fact: it was voiced by Snap!'s live vocalist Janice Robinson. Between Dreamer's first foray into the top 20 in 1994 and its eventual number one spot eight months later in 1995, the duo also had a smash hit as Alex Party (Don't Give Me Your Life). Livin' Joy are the real deal, and they go through to the next round.

While Erasure's tribute to Abba seemed frivolous, with the pair dragging up for the promo video, the Abba-esque EP is a chunky bit of electronic music. An unashamed analogue bleepfest. Their version of SOS is one of the best headphone listens of the 1990s. Novelty be damned, this easily goes through to the next round.

Thank goodness. A happy result.

See more Ultimate 90s number ones 

Come to snazzy: Wear Aphex Twin, scare your friends, regret nothing

If you've ever wanted to wear Aphex Twin all over your body, you could be in luck.

The New York clothing company Supreme has launched an Aphex clothing line. It includes GoreTex jackets, football jerseys, shorts and thermals, and something called a Mantis coin knife. Hey, an insect needs to defend itself.

The hoodie they showed off on Instagram is exquisitely ridiculous, with Aphex's grinning face glaring at you in 360 degrees of grin. It retails for over £500, which is one pound for every time someone is going to crap themselves when they see you wearing it.

There's a mohair sweatshirt with a low-res Aphex photo in grubby pink. There's a pair of thermal shorts, already sold out, dotted with his iconic logo. And there's a dayglo orange formal shirt with "Come To Daddy" written where your appendix scar is meant to be.

When I think of Aphex Twin's musical output, I don't really think of clothing. I suppose there's a track on Richard D. James Album called Fingerbib, which sounds a bit like a partial glove. And on his 2015 EP Computer Controlled Acoustic Instruments pt2, there are five tracks with the word "hat" in their titles. There are probably more, but halfway through researching this, I had to have a serious word with myself about how I spent my spare time.

The Supreme clothing line is a refreshing take on Aphex Twin merchandise which, in nightclubs up and down the country, has become as ubiquitous as beanie hats and Turkey teeth. I hope next season brings Leftfield loafers and Chemical Brothers cummerbunds.

Further Fats: Chosen Words: D is for Design (2010)

Further Fats: It's got a cow as a logo (2022)