Fat Roland On Electronica: the radio programme

It's time to burst out of the narrow confines of the internet and get this blog onto the wireless.

Fat Roland On Electronica will become a radio programme for a special one-off show in a month's time.

All the wordy drivel you loyally suck from these digital pages will instead ooze from your earholes for two precious, messy hours.

The beast on which this blog is leeching will be Chorlton FM, the wonderful local radio station set up specifically for the Chorlton Arts Festival, available on 87.7FM in Chorlton and south Manchester - and also online.

Fat Roland On Electronica will hit the airwaves at 8pm on Thursday May 19th, fill as many Chorlton chimneys as possible with dirty beats, then scuttle back into the corner at 10pm in the hope that it would have been so amazing, other local radio stations would be interested too.

Internet shminternet. This blog's all about radio fuzz.

PS - you can catch me on Chorlton 87.7FM the following Thursday, May 26th, when the grand results of the Flash Mob Writing Competition are announced in a live reading night and simultaneous radio broadcast. You can be a part of this if you get shortlisted, so enter now. Stories must be in by April 29th.

A massive cry-baby remembers John Peel

On July 28th 2004, I set in front of my green ghetto blaster-style radio weeping like a baby. Orbital were playing their last ever performance together. That gig, on a John Peel Maida Vale session, broke me.

I am a massive wuss.

Of course, Orbital later reformed, piddling all over my ridiculously inflated sense of loss, but that's not the point. It was a beautiful wireless moment when radio did everything that radio is meant to do when it's not Scott Mills or the bloody Archers. Seriously, if Mills ever gets a part in the Archers, I'm moving to a hideaway a mile under the ocean where my FM signal will be fuzzy at best.

Later that year, my sense of loss was compounded when John Peel ascended unto the great record shop in the sky. The bearded git made me cry twice in one year, which isn't bad for someone I had never met.

And so it seems appropriate, six years after Peel's death, to post a bit of that session on my blog. Both band and presenter remain a massive inspiration. I can only hope John Peel will piddle over my ridiculously inflated sense of loss by making a Jesus-style comeback halfway through the Olympic games.

Cafe Del M12 playlist: 22nd November 2009

Here's the playlist for the Cafe Del M12 programme I guest co-presented on ALL FM on 22nd November 2009. Thanks to those who listened. I'm sure I'll do it again soon.

11 of the 19 tracks were mine, although I also gave co-presenter and desk driver Enchanted Gordon the wrong track at one point, so you would have also heard a snippet of Proem's Long Distance Tiara too.

Bugge Weseltoft - Existence (a cracking opening track, methinks)
Xploding Plastix - Sports Not Heavy Crime
Squarepusher - Fly Street
Boards of Canada - Seven Forty Seven
Tobias Selbermann - Acid Gabi (does anyone know who he is, because we tried to find out and failed)
Jon Hopkins - Symmetry
Joe Goddard / Four Tet - Apple Bobbing (nearly seasonal)
Plone - Be Rude To Your School
Clark - Future Daniel
Bill Wells / Annie Whitehead / Stefan Schneider / Barbara Morgenstern - The Hermitage Of Braid (they seriously need to find a group name)
Digitonal - Maris Stella
Wisp - The Fire Above (complete with uber-Koyaanisqatsi breakdown)
Plaid - Get What You Gave
Ulrich Schnauss - A Letter From Home
Harmonic 313 - Problem One (we nodded our heads to this one)
Bibio - Fire Ant
Hudson Mohawke - Polkadot Blues
Neil Landstrumm - Ross Kemp As Pixel
Styrofoam - Make It Mine

Tend the tables, broom the rats out for me

I've been brooming out the rats this afternoon and I've come across a few links that I'll share with you before a chuck them into the recycling bin.

Firstly, two people have been blogging about the Refresh FM situation (see posts passim). My radio co-presenter Lee has written an eloquent and nuanced piece about his role with Refresh FM, complete with a picture of one of our legendary wallchart playlists. Also, the Guardian's Comment Is Free has written about me, Refresh FM and the wider role of volunteers. Writer Ally Fogg says:

"Anyone who thinks volunteers are immune from workplace bullying or unfair treatment should think again. Victims of such treatment usually (but not always) go quietly, taking their skills and enthusiasm with them. That is a huge loss to us all."

Also, Soundproof Magazine completed their top 20 Manchester albums of all time. The Stone Roses debut album was voted the greatest because:

"In our (admittedly unscientific) poll of Manchester-based journalists, bloggers, club owners, and artists, almost every single one chose The Stone Roses, and the album accumulated more than twice as many points as almost any other album on this list. It wasn't even close."

Stone Roses was my number four, although in retrospect, it should have been a bit higher.

Finally, Autechre are supporting Salt N Pepa. Well, kind of. They're both on the same bill at Bloc 2010. I hope they bleep it, bleep it real good.

(Autechre's cover design of Tri Repetae is pictured above. It's strangely similar to the original cover of Starflyer 59's Gold, released four months earlier. Scandal!)

Hey! We're going to Ibiza Levenshulme!

And so a new chapter begins in radio following the debacle that was Refresh FM.

I will be back on the airwaves this Sunday on a late night programme of chilled electronica, downbeat tunes and "aural oddities".

Cafe Del M12 brings a bit of bleep to the Manchester rain, and it will broadcast on Manchester community radio station All FM this Sunday 11pm until 1am in the morning. You can catch it on 96.9FM if you're within nuking distance of Moss Side*. There is also live streaming available, but it can be limited.

Incidentally, Refresh FM is history for me. I expect they will broadcast again in 2010. I worry that they will come up with agreements that tie any volunteers to a particularly narrow evangelical viewpoint. That means jettisoning equality and opportunity in favour of proselytizing an especially narrow and potentially damaging strand of Christianity.

This is bad for them, and also bad for community radio. Anyone who loves community radio should be worried about this, and I would encourage Refresh FM to take the better path of agreeing to disagree on certain issues whilst still welcoming Christians with different viewpoints into their radio community. Diversity is the key to great radio, and a much better way of getting their mission out there without compromising their core beliefs.

But like I said, it is history for me, and that is the last time I will mention that station's name in the same post as my current, rather exciting radio activities.

See you in the Cafe Del M12, live and direct this Sunday night.

*Moss Side is actually quite a decent place with lots of stuff going on.

The radio bungle: an update

Remember that whole radio thing? Sorry for the lack of updates over the past two weeks, but I'm not the kind of person to dwell on this kind of shennanigans.

But there is something to tell you. I've been written about by Pink News, which is Europe's largest gay news service and not a publication written by Rainbow's painfully jovial hippo George.

The worst thing about the article is you, my dear reader, get to know my real name. How shocking and unbloglike. Have a read here.

It's a fair description of things from my point of view. It's a shame Refresh FM couldn't be contacted, but I do believe they tried everything they could to get hold of them.

Incidentally, Refresh FM would disagree with the whole premise of my original article on this blog. I was not dismissed for being gay, because they have no problems with anyone's orientation: it's acting on that orientation that is the problem. That's a fairly typical evangelical argument, and I disagree with it.

I also know evangelicals who genuinely struggle with their received opinion on homosexuality and would never have made the decision Refresh did. Thank you to my evangelical friends who have had the guts to be honest with me about their struggles with this, and to everyone for your kind comments on my original blog post: this is what blogging is all about.

Edit: there is an update on this blog here. Thank you everyone for your support.

Refresh FM Manchester: how I was stopped from presenting because I was gay

On Monday, my six-year tenure as a voluntary radio presenter and producer with Refresh FM came to an end. It was not my decision. In this blog post, I will do my best to explain why I was dropped from presenting.

I cannot fully represent the views of Refresh FM in this piece, nor can I represent the views of my co-presenter and my producer. I can only explain things as I see them, and I'll write about other people's opinions and motives as fairly as I can.

I was not stopped from being a radio presenter because I was turning up drunk. I was not stopped from being a radio presenter because I was saying offensive things on air. I wish it was that clear cut, because Ofcom have clear guidelines on that.

I was stopped from being a radio presenter because I am homosexual.

To understand where I am now, you need to know how this all began.

Brief history

Refresh FM is an RSL, which basically means it broadcasts for 28 days a year on a limited frequency to south and central Manchester. It is run by Victoria Park Fellowship (previously known as Victoria Park Christian Fellowship), a fairly active independent evangelical church in Manchester. You can google the links. The congregation finance and volunteer their time to run the station, along with an increasing number of 'outsiders' from other churches (like me).

I have never been a member of that church, but I would identify myself as a Christian. I joined Refresh when it began in 2003. I don't think any of them knew I was gay then: we would work together fairly intensely for one month a year, and we were much more concerned about questions of broadcast quality, guest booking, programme timing and playlist compiling than questions of sexuality.

The programme I presented was Theatre Of Noise, a light-hearted magazine-style evening show which was roughly half music and half talk (scripted and unscripted funny bits - and at least, I hope it was funny!). The show was not popular with more traditional Christians because we did silly things like destroy CDs with power tools, but it certainly stood as an odd-shaped jewel in Refresh's crown and attracted listeners they wouldn't normally get. We took it seriously and my co-presenter and I worked hard to improve the programme from year to year. Believe me, planning and presenting 20 two-hour shows in one month is a lot of hard work.

Overwhelmingly positive

The fact that Refresh FM found out I was gay was almost incidental. Almost, but not quite. Although my relationship with Refresh was overwhelmingly positive for all six years (until Monday), they sensed I was slightly distant when I was in the studio. They were perceptive: I was indeed troubled. I had wanted to tell them about my sexuality, as anyone who has been "in" for any length of time will understand. It's not about waving a gay flag: it's about being honest and totally yourself. I wanted to be honest with Refresh.

So I told them of my unease that they didn't seem to know I was gay, and I realised, as an evangelical organisation, this might be a problem for them.

I didn't realise how much of a problem.

Refresh FM convened a meeting with me on Monday. I was told early on in the meeting that I couldn't present any more. (They did say I might be able to take up other responsibilities with the station, but this seemed like a hollow offer at the time.) The reasons I was given, if I remember rightly, were (in no particular order):

1) a presenter for Refresh is a mouthpiece for the mission of Victoria Park Fellowship. I accept this; it's a natural position for a church to take. Church radio stations hold a tension between being missional and being great radio. But being a "practising homosexual" is living in a state of active sin and is inconsistent with the mission of the church;

2) if a gay person presented shows, the church would find it difficult to raise money for the station from their inevitably offended congregation;

3) they don't want to upset the Muslims in the area, although this reason was not expounded upon. I'm not sure how much they actually believe this.

Devastating

I should point out that my friendship with Refresh FM was one of trust and love, and it enlightened my life considerably. I am profoundly grateful for the experience Refresh has given me. It wasn't a shock to discover they held a traditional view of homosexuality, but their recalcitrance of their stance on Monday was devastating and hurtful.

They seem to like me, but they just can't get past the "gay thing".

I do not want to get into Biblical arguments on homosexuality here; I don't want the comments below to be filled with YouTube-style diatribe. I believe God loves me because I'm gay and that She / He has no problem with gay relationships. Some Christians divide "being" and "doing" gay, and they love the sinner but hate the sin. I can understand Refresh FM taking the latter view (each to their own), but the fact they're willing to devastate someone because of those principles seems incredible - and ill at ease with the Christ I understand from the beatitudes in Matthew 5.

And yes, I am devastated. I am reeling. I am fragile, hurt and angry.

Dawkinsesque

The 'Christian' element of this blog post may put you off. You may think I was stupid for expecting Christians to like gay people. You're wrong. I would take a Dawkinsesque punt and reckon that most Christians have no problem with gay people. Jesus certainly didn't.

I understand it was a painful decision for Refresh FM to take - it's not easy giving what they probably see as 'tough love' to people they care about. But their insistence in the meeting that this isn't personal, that it isn't about me, is based on an incorrect understanding that sexuality is something to be separated from our true being. Our sexuality is woven into us. Even Jesus had a sexuality. He would have expressed that sexuality in some way - if he didn't, then the gospels are a lie and God was not truly made flesh.

And so to today. I hope the Theatre Of Noise ends up on a station 20 times the size. I did the right thing by telling Refresh FM I am homosexual. My integrity is intact and I have tried hard to act with grace. I think Refresh FM's decision cheapens them; it's a disappointment because I expected better from friends that I love. I will go back to Refresh tomorrow if they change their hearts and minds about homosexuality, but I don't think that will happen in a hurry.

What next? I don't know. I have spoken to Ofcom and also to the Citizen's Advice Bureau, and I was shocked to find out it is perfectly legal (and Ofcom-safe) for radio DJs who are voluntary, rather than paid, to be sacked because of their sexuality. I can see the logic when the law is there to protect livelihoods, not hobbies, but if what I have been told is true, this law needs changing.

Gritted teeth

You may feel the need to protest or campaign after reading this piece. You can talk with me further at dj (at) fatroland.com. Whatever you do and to whomever you speak, please show the same grace that I have tried my hardest to show throughout all of this (often through gritted teeth or teared eyes!). You will not change minds by shouting at people: start from their point of view and work from there.

I have to leave the dust to settle to some extent because my (straight) co-presenter, who has been immensely supportive in all of this, needs to make a difficult decision about his future with the station. I also need to discuss things more with our producer, who expressed his annoyance at the decision in a brief text conversation the day after the meeting. I will speak to more people, to organisations, to those that understand.

A wrong has been done and I need to stop this happening to other people.

And to Refresh FM, if you're reading this... the Bible calls us to love our enemies. I'm not sure if you're an enemy - I don't know what you are any more because I am still reeling from Monday - but I think I still love you despite your stupid, stupid decision.

Edit: there are updates on this blog here and here, and here is the Guardian's coverage and the Pink news coverage. Thank you everyone for your support.

Seven shades of armageddon: the radio marathon continues

I am nearing the end of my marathon run of radio programmes, so normal blog service will resume soon.

I am 75% of the way through a month of consecutive weeknight radio shows (called the Theatre Of Noise) and I have learnt some valuable lessons from the features we have produced so far.

Firstly, as a rule, the cheaper the quiche, the more weight it can take. Aldi's cheese and chive quiche can take the weight of several potatoes, while Sainsbury's distinctly snooty salmon and watercress quiche collapses under the weight of thin air.

Secondly, attacking a folk CD with a lawnmower is much more destructive than you imagine. You'd think it would just chafe under the blades, but instead the plastic explodes into seven shades of armageddon.

Finally, deep fried Creme Egg is sickly beyond anything the human tongue can cope with, but it's much more alluring than a Tunnock's tea cake and celery toasted sandwich. That feels like your taste buds are being raped by a randy gorilla made of nettles with nipples of dung.

All of these are serious lessons in radio, the likes of which the Today programme are learning every day. As I said, normal service will return, just as soon as I've figured out what 'normal' is again.

Audio lampposts: Luke Vibert straightens up his Rhythm

A four-day break in blogging? Pah. I may as well throw my computer into the sea.

I've been rather busy, though, with an unusual project for an electronic music writer. For the past 48 hours, I have been dipping a tentative toe into the whale-infested waters of Christian radio.

We play some cool (and some not-so-cool) music by Christians, from the likes of Sufjan Stevens, Demon Hunter and Richard Swift, and sometimes we smash things up with a hammer in the name of God. You can follow my exploits on the Theatre Of Noise website, where you will also find a link to the programme's Twitter page.

While you wait for normal service to resume, why not amuse yourself with an old favourite of mine. As I said in this post last week, acid funboy Luke Vibert (pictured with Jean Jacques Perry and a Moog) has tidied up his beats somewhat for the hip hop sounds of Rhythm.

Rhythm brings together a handful of EPs released on Japanese label Sound Of Speed. It's the sight of an electronic genuis very much not throwing the rattle out of his pram. The beats are straight and orderly. Like rhythmic lampposts.

"Is this important?" declares a very serious sounding robot on Sparky Is A Retard. No, not really. It won't go down as Vibert's best album: file this album next to those MoWax-type breaks compilations you used to collect when you were learning to scratch.

Or indeed, file it next to your favourite Wagon Christ discs... which might well go down on Christian radio, now I come to think of it.

Warp Records does not taste of desks, claim experts

Richard "n" Judy, Boddingtons and Warp Records all quit the north for the big bright lights of, er, somewhere down south.

Nobody watches Richard and Judy anymore.  Boddingtons now tastes of desks.  But it worked in Warp Records' favour, because by moving within spitting distance of Hampstead Heath, it brought them closer to the NEWS.

Yes, that's right.  The NEWS.  It may have escaped your attention-deficit, but legendary techno label Warp Records isn't all about music.  Toward the back end of last year, they released the whole back catalogue of the legendary radio programme On The Hour.  On two glorious deluxe CD packages.

For those unaware of this classic parody series, the audio-only YouTubeness I embedded above gives you a taste of Chris Morris' paeon to rolling news, before rolling news was invented.

There are more rich pickings at the On The Hour media/events interface here.

And another thing.  If you thought radio was too sedate for you, have a listen to the Prodigy filling in for Zane Lowe on Radio 1.  You should be able to still listen to the show if you're quick, although the link was naffed up when I tried.  It should be a big year for the Proj, as I mentioned in my review of 2009 electronica releases.

Shorts and a little helicopter hat - they're this season's essential radio accessory

Edit: This post makes Lee look like my tech monkey while I'm the big presenting ego. This isn't balanced. Lee is a fully fledged second half to my first half, and together we present as one. A bit like a blubbery Ant and Dec.

Every night this week, I have spent two hours blithering into a micromophone like an idiot possessed.

The first five days of the Theatre Of Noise (explained concisely here) have fizzled to a close. Thanks to a clever use of scripting and flaggelating ourselves with cutting self-criticism, the output's been a few notches above our usual fare.

Monday's show, our first since our 2007 podcast, was like an old shed in Venice: stilted and ever-so-slightly rusty.

Thanks to an image of me dressed in shorts and a little helicopter hat (cheers, Lee!), Tuesday's show exploded into merriment. Our production values on this show were probably tighter than anything we had done before.

Wednesday's show was a slow-burner, measured and steady.

Thursday's was a stonker. It trod the wafer-thin line between proper comedy silliness and filling the airwaves with spluttering giggles. It is my co-presenter Lee's job to drive the desk and give me just enough space for my adrenaline-fuelled comedy rants, and to use his charming form of grumpiness to reign me in when the show needs more control. You could say I was "on one", and Lee coped admirably.

We even managed the health and safety nightmare of Friday's Chainsaw Challenge, which saw our resident toolman Fil The Destroyer let rip with a jigsaw on Michael Bolton's 1991 hit single Time Love And Tenderness (results pictured above).

This is how Lee steers our ship:

INT. STUDIO - EVENING

ME: We're two minutes ahead of schedule. What are we gonna do? What are we gonna do?

LEE: That's pretty good. Don't worry about it.

ME: WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?

LEE: It's only two minutes.

I bounce up and down, sweating profusely.

ME: Whaddawegonnadoo, whaddawegonnadoo, whadwegondoowhadwegondoo--

LEE shoots me in the head.

All in all, then, we're pretty relaxed about the whole thing.

On an unconnected note, Portishead are about to drop their first album for 360 years. Here's a startling hymn to rhythm from Beth and co, and like all of my mpSundays, it will only be available until the very next mpSunday. And yes, I know it's Monday.

mpSunday (right click and save as): *plop* this mpSunday has now gone. Click here for the latest mpSunday.

DEEPER FRIED FAT: LITTLE BIT, T SHIRT

Smokin' tracks and molten nonsense: Theatre Of Noise and F1 Losers are go

Well, bless my trousers, it's that time of year when everything explodes at once.

From Monday night for three weeks, I will be presenting the Theatre Of Noise. Here is the blurb written by my own fair hands and those of my dashing co-presenter Lee:

"Spewing from their radio dungeon, rising from the swamps like Ant and Dec's blubbery brothers, back once again like a renegade master, Lee and Eyan bring you smokin' tracks and molten nonsense.

"With games like Chainsaw Challenge, Sin Lose Or Draw and Rejoice And Be Gladiator, and music from the likes of Becoming The Archetype, Mae, Neon Horse and We Are Scientists, the fifth annual Theatre Of Noise is like nothing you have heard before."

That last bit is probably a lie. Listen in on 87.7FM at 9pm weeknights from Monday if you're in Manchester, or you can listen to us live on the internet. I'm also designing a website, which should be ready to go soon.

Expect copious updates on the Fat Roland blog until you are so nauseated with them, you will be necking dry cornflakes to make yourself puke.

Meanwhile, if you like cars that go fast, then totally ignore my Formula One Losers League. You have to be pretty quick to enter (deadline is any day now), but pretty slow to succeed: it's a fantasy league where your team has to be the worst one you could possibly muster.

You can actually win money for crashing in the Losers League. Meanwhile, the radio shows will be like listening to a slow motion car crash for no financial return whatsoever.

DEEPER FRIED FAT: VOLUME ONE, LOSERS LEAGUE

And the winner is "I am a blithering hypocrite and you should pap me on the nose with the back of a spoon"

While I continue to search for my work / life balance, here's what has tickled or tackled me in the last 12 periods.

Oh and unlike last year, don't expect a 'record of the year' post. Most of this is about me, myself and what I've written, and my favourite things about me and myself and what I've written. You have read this blog before, right?

My DJ moment of the year: I've DJed less this year than you've had hot McDonald's chicken nuggets (they don't exist), but the impromptu gig at the Greenbelt festival has to lay the smack-down on anything I've ever done.

My video post of the year: It's stupid to take credit for plonking down a signpost towards other people's work, but then again I am a DJ. Here is the link which made me realise there wasn't such a difference between the Scratch Perverts and Delia Smith.

Blogs I have enjoyed with my eyes, part one: Here are five blogs that struck me in 2007. Like a freight train. And while my head is flung 600 yards down the track, let me reassure you I have missed a lot of favourite blogs off this list. But here goes the list, including links to their most recent entry. James and his blue cat was The First Blog I Ever Really Got Into, and while we're at it, Patroclus brought a beautiful humanity to the blogocube. Chinglish went round in linguistic circles while Fiction Bitch dotted the js and crossed the eyes. Nine Tenths Full Of Penguins made so many of my best moments of 2007 happen due to his annoying persistence of organising things.

My own blog post of the year: Stupidly prophetic because HMV went on to sell some of their Fopps and the Klaxons scooped the Mercury, and a notch above the rest because I don't know any other blogs that used the phrase "Fopp's flopped shops", my favourite post this year is I'm Quietly rooting for the Klaxons but this is a post about Fopp's flopped shops and not the bloody Mercury Prize.

My own phrase of the year: Because it projects the false impression I am a humble monk-like gentle giant and not an egotistical fame-felching starfucker, my piece about r 'n' b rises to the top for the opening phrase "I am a blithering hypocrite and you should pap me on the nose with the back of a spoon". It's amazing what a nonsensical word can do to a sentence; just ask Anthony Burgess.

Blogs I have enjoyed with my eyes, part two: Five more doozers, whatever a doozer is. No-one could touch George Monbiot for making me think until it hurt, so thank goodness for the soothing You Have Got The Wrong Person who, quite simply, got the wrong person. Get Weird Turn Pro pressed a cultural ear onto the tracks of electro funk-daddiness. Cultural Snow pimped his book (and my blog, to my surprise) and was still interesting. And the Manchizzle did what the Guardian says it does on the tin.

Other crap: It's has been my first good year for a long time. I went to counselling and it changed my life. I had the privelege to work at Greenbelf FM. I got too fat. I got lucky and paid off all my debts. I've already mentioned the Greenbelt gig. My cat turned 18. I forgot people's birthdays. I became Formula One pundit for a local radio station. I bought red trainers. I got a new job for the first time in nine years. I saved someone's life because I remembered my first aid course from years ago. I worked my bum-bum off at Refresh FM and loved every minute.

And now it's that part of the post where I put my self-centredness to one side and start awarding prizes to other people. Sorry? What's that? I've exceeded my 2007 bandwidth?

See you on the other side.

Narrating icon presumes a little too much, i.e. an ability to actually narrate

I can't tell a Picasso from a Punto, but watching Formula One motor racing makes me as excited as playing Wipeout 2097 with Future Sound Of London's We Have Explosive pummelling my ears. (Yeah, I still have a PS1.)

This Sunday I become an F1 pundit on a sports show called Talking Balls. I'll be foaming at the mouth about the race at Spa Francorchamps in Belgium, my favourite F1 track, and fuming at the ears about McLaren and Alonso spying their way to success.

If F1 isn't your thing, and why should it be, then don't fear. I won't start blathering about it on this site when I've got another site to do that.

But if you do tune in, then do it on Wythenshawe FM from 7pm this Sunday September 16th. Lock on to 97.2FM if you're within a gnat's thong of Wythenshawe, or listen online on their website.

Oh and I'll be using my real proper full name, which is an anagram of 'I on racing rant' and also 'narrating icon'.

Scroll for guff and you'll get stuff. And be chuffed. You won't be duff. Sorry...

I should just point out that I have a squirrelsworth of mp3s in the right hand column of this site (now deleted).

These are full recordings (or "podcasts" if you will) of several shows I co-presented last month.

When I say full, I don't mean full. We've had to edit out the music because if you don't edit out the music, the tubes of the internet become entangled and Donald Trump sues you because he owns Google. I think.

If you are going to listen to them, right-clicky your little mouse and 'save target as'. I wouldn't want the interweb service provider dude to get upset because my twenty million readers start streaming my guff.

Now, guff my streams, that's a different matter. You are more than welcome to do that at any time. If I knew what it meant.

Fats & 'Fresh 4: rivers of desolation always start with little pools of disappointment

The shattered remnants of radio shows crumbled off the broken window of time onto the floor of history, forever to be a painful trodden-on memory for the denuded soles of the future.

In other words, it has come to an end. The rest of the programmes went off without a hitch. Read about previous radio experiences here, here, here and even here.

We all suffered a second-week sap as our energy levels seems to drain into little pools around our aching feet. It could just be that I had wet myself again. But we ended on a high, and unlike my Greenbelt FM experience last year, I didn't become a quivering wreck of illness.

Podcasts of my shows with Lee are available on this page. Look for The Quite Early Show (that's the baby we are proudest of) and some of the Wind Downs and Late Breakfast Shows.

So thanks to all those at Refresh FM that made the previous two weeks possible. You are all gorgeous fluffy bunnies, which is a nice co-incidence because you all have cotton-ball tails and you all mate like there's no tomorrow.

Did I just say that out loud?

I'm sorry. Just to keep the lawyers happy, no-one at Refresh FM has a cotton-ball tail and no-one mates. Ever.

Next on my calendar is a jolly down to Nottingham to meet the good people of Greenbelt FM to discuss my multi-million pound contract to present their lunchtime show. Sadly, I think that's pounds of fat rather than currency.

Greenbelt FM: So we'll give you 10 million pounds to do the show.

Me: That's brilliant.

Greenbelt FM: Starting with this.

(Greenbelf FM pushes a pork pie across the desk.)

Me: What?

Greenbelt FM: Nathan! Marjorie! Wheel in the skip of lard!

Me (muffled): I want to go home now.

Greenbelt FM: I'm not sure if that's an upset voice or a voice with its mouth full. It had better be the latter, bitch, otherwise the deal's off.

Fats & 'Fresh 3: never get bobsleighs and tractors mixed up. Seriously

I'm heading like a driverless bobsleigh into the second week of Refresh FM.

You will hear me every weeknight from 9pm on 87.7FM (Manchester) on the Quite Early Show. This is the flagship show and has the most giggles per square inch. I know. I've measured.

I'm also doing these extra shows throughout the week:

Monday 11pm: Wind-down
Tuesday 9am: Late Breakfast Show
Wednesday 11pm: Wind-down
Thursday 9am: Late Breakfast Show
Friday 11pm: Wind-down
Sunday 12noon: Wesley Owen Chart Show

Meanwhile, I am skiving off work so I nipped down the road to see Danny Boyle's excellent Sunshine.

It's a scrumptious, tense film; like The Straight Story if Alvin had been chased by a pack of marauding dogs throughout. Yes, it was that good.

Fats & 'Fresh 2: All planning and no Eddie-oodles makes Fats a dull boy

The chart show was as successful as a heavily armed bull in a china shop, which you could say is quite successful indeed if only for the fact I deliberately played a dire classical version of dire worship song Shine Jesus Shine without any hint of irony.

It was also a whole bunch of hard work, and after spending the rest of the day planning other shows, I made the fatal mistake of setting up my new DVD player (thanks for the gift, Pam) and watching oodles of Eddie Izzard instead of sleeping.

On Monday morning, I presented Refresh FM's Late Breakfast show with a friend called Caz. Considering she hadn't even dipped her toe in radio before, Caz took to the airwaves like, well, radio.

(Bad simile, sorry. I should have mentioned something that swims to follow on from the 'dipped her toe' image, but then I would have likened Caz to a graceful sealion, and one thing Caz is not is a sealion.)

I really enjoyed working with Caz. It was only brought down a notch when someone complained because I had the nerve to suggest that Cosimo Cavallaro's My Sweet Lord was (a) a clever statement on the commercialisation and trivialisation of Christianity and (b) a subtle metaphor for consuming the body of Christ through the sacrament.

It seems that if you don't side with the bigotted Christian 'majority', then there's something wrong with you.

If you're the one who complained, then please deal with this: homosexuality is fine in the eyes of God; Christians don't have an exclusive claim to heaven; a lot of the Bible simply isn't true, it's just poetic metaphor and storytelling.

There, that should get the phones ringing. If you want to argue with me, I'm happy to talk about David and Jonathan, Mahatma Ghandi and the Creation story respectively.

You can tell I'm annoyed, can't you?

Actually, I'm not annoyed now, but these are some of the thoughts that were spinning round my head earlier on today. Then I realised that "evangelical-baiting" isn't very Christian and is better left to the likes of Religious Freaks.

After more plan, plan, plan, I reeled off another presenting slot, from which I have just returnified. This time it was the Quite Early Show with Lee, which involved a bastardised Pictionary game called Sin Lose Or Draw, and a bastardised Call My Bluff game called Diagnosticate My Braggadocio.

You don't get sued if you change the name, says my lawyer.

I've already printed my schedule on a previous post, but just in case you left your memory at the post office, I'll see you on Tuesday night at 9pm then Wednesday morning at 9am on Refresh 87.7FM.

And I don't have a lawyer.

Fats & 'Fresh 1: Counting down to the countdown

It's rather strange sitting at home and listening to your voice on radio, but that's exactly what's happening as my pre-recorded show called Sunday Waffle hit the Refresh 87.7FM airwaves just half an hour ago (see previous post).

At lunchtime today, I'll go live for the first time in this year's broadcast. The Wesley Owen Chart Show is a top 40 based on sales of music at the Wesley Owen bookshop on Deansgate, Manchester. I spent an hour yesterday collating sales information, and I'm looking forward to the challenge of counting down a top 40 within a two hour slot. It'll be all about pacing and ...timing.

My only problem is this: most of what I'll be playing isn't my taste in music. I hope I'm not too acerbic in a Wogan-on-Eurovision or Amstell-on-Popworld fashion.

Or maybe that'll be a good thing.

Still, amid all the cut-and-paste worship, there's some reggae, soul and even classical. Actually, by classical, I mean classical cover versions of Graham Kendrick songs. You see? The acerbicity is already rising within me... and that's not even a word.

Even dental mouthwash drowning victims will be listening to Fat Roland on Refresh 87.7FM

The spirit of the late Tony Blackburn lives on. No, not that Tony Blackburn; he's still alive. I'm talking about Anthony Blackburn*, the Cirencester hospital radio DJ who died in a pool of dental mouthwash in a terrible, terrible medical accident.

I'll be burbling my way though radio shows from this weekend. Refresh FM is a radio station which plugs Christian music, and for the fourth year they have allowed me and my co-presenting ferret Lee loose in their studio.

Lee and I try to bring something different to the broadcasts. Although a Christian viewpoint informs the our general outlook on life, I like to think we're both a bit left of field from that culture. I'm sounding poncey now, so here's when you can hear me.

It's all on 87.7FM in the Manchester (UK) region:

• Wesley Owen chart show. The first three Sundays of April, 12 noon - 2pm. Manchester's top selling Christian albums, as based on weekly sales at Wesley Owen Books & Music.

• Late Breakfast Show. Every weekday for the first two weeks of April, 9am - 11am. Banter and thoughts for the day with my fabulous co-presenter Caz. I'll be job-sharing this with Lee, so don't expect to hear me every day, no siree.

• The Quite Early Show. Every weeknight for the first two weeks of April, 9pm - 11pm. Vague silliness and games. Except for Wednesdays when it's Theatre Of Noise, which involves loud guitars and destruction.

• Wind Down. Every weeknight for the first two weeks of April, 11pm - midnight. Chilled out acoustic to send you to sleep I'll be on every other night; Lee's doing the other days, so we can take shifts sleeping like what they did in the war.

Oh and I'll be DJing under my name Eyan not Fat Roland. Just so you know.

I'd like to dedicate all of my shows to Anthony Blackburn**, who no doubt will be listening from his brightly coloured watery grave. I must toodle off; the children in South Park are trying to understand transubstantiation. Stan: "Jesus didn't want us to eat him so he turned himself into crackers?!"

*doesn't exist

**still doesn't exist