The dark destroyers: my interview with Black Sites

In the latest edition of Electronic Sound magazine, I interview Black Sites, a bold techno collaboration between Hamburg musicians Helena Hauff and F#X.

Their album R4 has variously been described as aggressive, rough, and enough to make a hamster spill its lapsang souchong. That last one was probably me: I have an overactive imagination.

The album stomps an enjoyable line between musicality and malice, between immediacy and sheer immolation. As Hauff says in the feature, "having fun can be dirty".

You'll find my feature in issue 128 of Electronic Sound magazine. Faithless are the cover stars, and there's stuff about Smokebelch II, the Telepathic Fish parties, and Chilean DJ Valesuchi, whose tunes I have, coincidentally, been pumping out this afternoon.

In my 128th monthly column, I vomit on about the Wall of Sound production technique. I mention carp, jumping down holes and beef dip.

Below, you can listen to Black Sites' bit-shredded Pacman orgy 707. Love a rusty hi-hat, me.

Shop for Electronic Sound magazines  |  Subscribers can read my interview online

Spending time (and space) with Jeff Mills

I recently caught up with visionary Detroit techno producer Jeff Mills. You can read the result of our meeting in issue 127 of Electronic Sound magazine.

Mills earned himself the nickname 'The Wizard' when he rose to prominence in the so-called "second wave" of Detroit techno. He co-founded the influential techno collective Underground Resistance, and he's been putting out stuff on his own Axis Records for well over 30 years,

He has produced techno scores for numerous old films, perhaps most notably for Fritz Lang's Metropolis. He's collaborated with NASA and made a black hole-themed cosmic opera. He's basically a spaceman. I interviewed a spaceman.

Mills was a lot of fun to interview. His pedigree is undeniable, so it was always going to be an easy interview. Lots to talk about. When he got onto metaphysics and telepathy, I felt my brain expanding. This is a guy who got into comic books at an early age, and he's been having wild visions ever since. So much fun.

It's always an honour to have a cover feature in Electronic Sound magazine. This now gives me extra privileges as a hotshot journalist. I can barge into any concert with the phrase "don't you know who I am". I get to ride around in one of those sedan chair things. And I get a chufty badge, which is a normal badge that I've scrawled "chufty" onto.

Other artists featured in this issue include M, as in the famous M who did Pop Muzik fame, Orchestral Manoeuvres In The Dark collaborator Claudia Brücken, and the quite brilliant Rival Consoles. Oh and Children Of The Bong too, whose trippy bleeps I was obsessed with in the '90s.

Blatant plug: get your Electronic Sound fix here.

Further Fats: Chosen Words: J is for Juan Atkins (2010)

Further Fats: It's just the sun rising (and being a bit too hot) (2020)

Electronic Sound 111: Steve Strange, Distressed Puce and a load of old bangers

The latest edition of Electronic Sound leads with Rusty Egan and Steve Strange's Blitz club, which helped form the new romantic movement.

Which is handy because it coincides with the launch of my new Fat Roland make-up range. Shades include Distressed Puce, Seeping Pore Blush and Nude Idiot. 

In this issue, you'll also happen across Kim Gordon out of Sonic Youth, some wayward pilgrims called Lost Souls Of Saturn, a mate of Brian Eno called William, a Ninja Tune act that sounds woody and sharp, and a Detroit techno act who may or may not be related to Little Red Riding Hood. Cryptic enough for you?

My 111th column for Electronic Sound turns its focus on "bangers". I've put speech marks around that word like some kind of grandad. I'm currently running a blog series that picks out the greatest bangers of the 1990s, so this column kind of ties in with that. Get ready for full banging mode. 

An excerpt:

Fireworks. Sausages. Old Ford Fiestas. If you’re clever with words like what me is, you’ll recognise these as “bangers”. Fireworks go bang when you put fire on them. Sausages go bang when you don’t fork them with holes. And old Ford Fiestas go bang when you drive them off a cliff. However, I have little interest in careening cars or meat tubes. My favourite kind of “bangers” are massive tunes. Killer beats, wicked synths, mad lyrics, total bangers.... 

Read more by getting the latest issue of Electronic Sound.

Happy ten whole candles to Electronic Sound magazine

Today marks ten years since my first Electronic Sound column appeared in print, and indeed ten years since the very first edition of the magazine.

I still remember discovering it on the shelves of WH Smith. "Oh look, it's on the shelves," I blurted while pointing as hard as I can at their music magazine section. "Look, everyone, there it is." I pointed with two outstretched arms but the commuter drones queuing for their daily paper and expensive chocolate weren't looking at me. "I'm in that! That magazine there! Hello? Hello?" Turns out strangers don't like it when you shake them by their lapels.

Writing my column for Electronic Sound is the longest job I've ever had. The magazine started as just 'Electronic', no doubt named after Bernard Sumner's best band. It has been iPad-only, a digital edition with interactive buttons, but most of all it has been a gorgeously produced print magazine. My column has featured in every edition. It's amazing what an steam-powered automatic sentence generator can do. I've been illustrating it since early 2020, a move which single-handedly brought on an international pandemic.

The column is still going strong, as are my "illustrations" (which are actually high-resolution 4D photographs, they just look like cartoons due to the limitations of the human eye). The mag has exciting plans for the future, and I'm happy to say I'm now part of Electronic Sound Premium. This means that, by pressing a few groats into their palm, you can read loads of my columns. They've given them titles titles like 'Unnecessarily Repetitive', 'Why Am I Not A Famous Novelist?' and  'I Am So Very Good At Kicksporting Football Soccer'.

Writing for Electronic Sound continues to be great fun. The columns come easy (although they're often second columns having written a burner column just to get to the "good" stuff). The illustrations are harder, especially as I never write the columns with an illustration in mind. I like to test myself. I occasionally sneak in references to the magazine in my cartoons, sometimes in number plates and sometimes as morse code in a Daft Punk visor (see picture). I also write features and reviews, and scrawl "FRAT ROLEND IS TH BESST" on every page in invisible ink.

Big up to Push and the gang for continuing to publish and, worryingly, encourage me. I'll finish this with a beautiful poem. It's composed from bits of first lines from some of columns. Imagine you're reading Shakespeare or Carol Ann Duffy or a crossword. In the meantime, you can subscribe to Electronic Sound's digital and print editions here.

Picture the scene
We’re all going on
a summer holiday
Tossing
Electronic music
is far too sexy
This is Geoff
Old Blighty
the drug of the nation
Cymbals
Filters
More tossing
Thought you’d never ask
Gird your Union Jack cummerbund
Cancel culture has gone too far
On the first Friday of every month
Stick your finger
in a page
of this magazine
Great Uncle Albion
With words so good like what this sentence
You think you’re clever don’t you
signing up to
my new social media network
Did I ever tell you
about washing powder?
Land O’ Bowler Hats
you’ll no doubt remember
I am ill
Oh
Flaps

Electronic Sound 85: blowing my alpine horn

In issue 85 of Electronic Sound magazine, I do a deep dive on the new Bonobo album. Meanwhile, in my column I take on cancel culture while my fictional self blows a horn. All pretty normal, nothing to worry about here.

The Bonobo review is the lead review in this latest edition, which is always a nice spot to be in as a writer. You'll have to read the magazine to find out what I think, but I can tell you it contains the phrase "frozen fish aisle". I also review the latest album by Pan Daijing ("a forest of startled birds") and Arca's new clutch of albums ("witches and queerness").

This month's column has me getting outraged about cancel culture. "Are you telling me I can’t prance around as glam-rock Brian Eno, complete with unbuttoned motorbike jacket and feather shoulder-pads, while hooting Van McCoy's ‘The Hustle’ on the alpine horn?" And yes, that ended up being my illustration for the column, with added conkers for eyes. It'll all make sense if you read the column. Probably. Ahem.

Elsewhere in the mag, in gubbins that wasn't written by me, there's a piece about the Hacienda's design, a chat with Suicide and their "battered old keyboards", Tim Hecker talking about writing soundtracks, and a piece about the ace new electro-pop project Telefis. And loads more.

85 issues, 85 columns. Good grief. Incidentally, Erasure's Oh L'amour only got to number 85 in the charts when it was released, only surpassed by Dollar's cover version in 1987 and Erasure's slightly weedier remix many years later. All the best things are number 85.

Further Fats: Fat Roland's out-of-context March 2018 supercut (2018)

Electronic Sound issue 73: for the last time, please do NOT look at the ostrich

I didn't want to have to do this, but for issue 73 of Electronic Sound magazine, I go on strike. And there's my illustration of a confused ostrich. With a piece of paper on its back for some reason. Ignore the ostrich. THIS IS NOT ABOUT THE OSTRICH.

In my column, I rail against the readers and demand that they write this month's article themselves. It's been a long time coming. Stupid readers with their stupid money that pays our stupid wage. Oh. Wait. Dammit.

I'm not really on strike, of course. It's a fiction maintained for comedic effect. In the same way I spent a week after new year dressed as Mr Snuffleupagus from Sesame Street using only crepe paper and taramasalata. I wasn't the real Mr Snuffleupagus. I was maintaining a fiction.

In the same edition, you will find my reviews of the latest albums by Haroon Mirza and Jack Jelfs (something botanical about the croaking synths"), Emeka Ogboh ("bursts with life") and veteran ambient producer Tim Story ("oodles of acoustic space").

There is also stuff in issue 73 not written by me, if you can believe such a thing. Elsewhere there's an interview with Porcupine Tree's Steven Wilson, a short story by John Foxx of Ultravox fame, and a piece about Langham Research Centre and their tape manipulation exploits.

There's also a great section dedicated to limited edition record releases, including Aphex Twin's ultra-rare Analogue Bubblebath 5, a bizarrely truncated Boards Of Canada tune for Record Store Day 2013, and that one-off Wu-Tang Clan album that was bought by pill-pushing fraudster Martin Shkreli.

The design of the magazine is another triumph. Plain black text on a plain white background, like the mind control signs from They Live, only classier. Sunglasses on, folks. OBEY. CONSUME. BUY ISSUE 73 OF ELECTRONIC SOUND.

I must go. Blogger spell check is not recognising the word "Snuffleupagus" nor the word "taramasalata". I'm off to write a strongly-worded letter to Ms B Logger, who owns Blogger, about a lax attitude to Greek meze and feathered mammoths.

Further Fats: 

Yello and a big sprout: the new Electronic Sound is here

In the new issue of Electronic Sound, I write about my Roland TR-08 drum machine, which is why I've illustrated it with Yello standing next to a giant sprout.

The new issue of the magazine is packed with its usual electronic excellence. There's bleepy pioneer Daphne Oram on the cover, as aqua blue as a posh swimming pool, and inside you'll find loads about the Oram Awards. which celebrates inspirational female and gender minority audio innovators. Proper treat.

My column this month arose from the drum machine I bought from a lovely chap called Martin who runs the Electronic Music Open Mic Night, which incidentally happens to be the only music gig I've been to throughout the coronavirus crisis. As usual, though, I got sidetracked so, er, this happened:

And yes, I just alt-texted that cartoon "Yello and a big sprout". You'll have to read the column to get the illustration's context, although in the words of my editors in the blurb for this month's column, "When Band Aid sang 'It's Christmas time, there's no need to be afraid', they clearly hadn't reckoned on this."

Every month, Electronic Sound runs a Time Machine piece which brings to life particular moments in the history of electronic music. I thought I'd have a go this month, so on pages 18 and 19 of this new edition I recall the time Cher became president of the USA and Timmy Mallett destroyed all known society.

I've also got a couple of album reviews in there too, which contain words like "fossilised", "mushroomy" and "beanbag".

I must say a massive thanks to Electronic Sound for allowing me, for another year, to wheelbarrow all my nonsense words into your finely-pruned magazine garden, raking my bad compost all over your journalistic begonias. And then letting me illustrate it all like an episode of Watercolour Challenge featuring only babies weened on absinthe. 

I'll leave you with Manchester's Vicky Clarke, one of the Oram Award winners, with a delightfully woozy track inspired by sleep walking and algorithmic control.

Further Fats: Another cartoonist – Back once again (2016)

Flatulent balls: lockdown thoughts and a cartoon of a bull

 

Issue 69 of Electronic Sound is out now. Alongside a smattering of finely honed reviews, you'll find my latest full-page column. This one is inspired by my lack of exercise throughout lockdown.

I wanted this latest piece to feel quite physical, quite fleshy. So I start with a beautiful image of a cassette tape wedged into a roll of fat and take it from there. I also use the following words: balls, flatulent, gonads, groin, horns, nipples and orifices. Lovely.

There's also my illustration, a section of which you can see in colour above. I've included a couple of first draft sketches which show I find it much easier to draw a big old bull than stupid annoying dumbbells.

I don't mention the Covid crisis in my column, although that's where the writing process started. It's nearly six months since the UK tumbled into a viral dystopia. It's been heartbreaking for those who have lost loved ones or their income.

Here are some personal thoughts about the whole coronavirus thing. I entered the pandemic as a (a) venue guy who did (b) journalism and (c) performing: the three e's of eventing, editing and egomania. Those elements of my work life have been affected in different ways.

The venue bit of my life (running the gorgeous event space at Manchester's Burgess Foundation) has changed considerably, but I've been able to pivot my job into other things, namely coming up with clever online things that make people interested in Anthony Burgess. On this score, I am lucky to have a supportive employer, and I've found this work to be a boon amid the bedlam.

The journalism bit of my life has remained unaffected. At the start of the year, I started illustrating my own monthly column for Electronic Sound, and if anything the lockdown bought me more time to work on the words and pictures. Long may it continue – you can subscribe here.

The performing? Here's the interesting one. In fact, this is what I really want to talk about. Brace yourself.

Over the past six months, the world of spoken word and comedy has moved to video. Twitch streams, Zoom gigs, Facebook premieres and the like. Rumour has it the internet is now made up of 692% TikToks.

I did one video for The Old Courts, which was a huge amount of fun, but it made me realise that the whole point of my own performance is to react to the audience in the room. I need those surprise moments, those face twitches, that slow glorious 'failure' on stage. 

Online performing is kind of fine, but it doesn't thrill me. It doesn't scratch my egomaniacal itch. Thank goodness for that Garden Fringe real-life gig which still gives me a buzz every time I think about it. 

I have similar reservations as a consumer. I've enjoyed being part of the audience at the online XS Malarkey, chatting to techno heads in Orbital premieres, and a few fun things friends have done. However, the Burgess and journalism elements of my work life mean a lot of screen time: adding even more screen time into my day hasn't proved healthy. 

Added to that, sitting on my own in a distanced community just emphasises how far away my real actual friends are. There's a tinge of the blues to it all.

All of which is to say: I have felt increasingly left behind by Covid-era entertainment. As audiences start to return to actual venues, comedy performers will start earning again, and an industry will slowly rise again. I hope that day comes soon. But this presents me with a dilemma.

My own performing life, which was starting to move from spoken word into comedy, will be much slower to recover. Thing is, although I miss it, I don't *need* the money, and I'm not going to start hustling for paid gigs when a tonne of entertainers need to rebuild their income from scratch. I will gig again, of course, but my previous performance rate – a gig every couple of weeks and my 'residency' at a monthly spoken word night – is pretty much over.

This all sounds depressing, doesn't it. However, I am an optimist: there is a silver trouser lining to this cloud of pants. I need to see this performing pickle as a challenge to up my game. 

Firstly, I need to become a facilitator (not that I wasn't already) by putting on alternative weirdo comedy gigs myself once audience distancing is less of a restriction. Create my own stuff, like that tall bloke out of Pointless. This will give me valuable stage time for my own material while giving a bit of cash to silly, funny performers. 

Secondly, I'm going to come up with an online series that leans heavily on my cartoons. I don't know what that is yet, but it needs to happen and no, it won't be a traditional performance for reasons I've waffled about already. I'm thinking possibly an animated guide to electronic music (caveat: not properly animated).

All of these thought processes swirled around my head and ended up solidifying into a column about rolls of fat and groins and gonads. Funny how the mind works.

I haven't mentioned blogging, by the way. I'm very sad to announce that this will continue unabated, and I will carry on pummelling your face with word-zingers for a long time to come. Sorry, face.

Further Fats: Fats at the Lowry – a Curious trip to the North East (2017)

Further Fats: The quarantine raves: Top one, nice one, get Covid? (2020)

Issue 68 of Electronic Sound: if Humpty Dumpty sues, I'm as stuffed as him

In issue 68 of Electronic Sound magazine, I turn my attention to a box-shaped hole in my life: my lack of a television.

Ten years ago, I gave up my telly to write more. I have mentioned this already on my blog: people who don't have televisions always mention they don't have televisions. TV is such a part of normal conversational discourse, it's useful to duck out of these conversations early while appearing as pious as possible.

In my new column, I reflect on my lack of a telly while shoe-horning in references to Kraftwerk, Orbital and Future Sound of London. I also besmirch the names of Humpty Dumpty and Dot Cotton. I hope nobody reads it: if Humpty Dumpty sues, I'm as stuffed as him. You can pick up a copy of Electronic Sound in shops or online: it's the one with Devo on the front cover.

Not that any of this matters because I now have subscriptions to about 52 streaming services. I have allowed television back into my life through the back door. Well. A very wide open front door. As I say in the column:

Television streaming helped during lockdown because everyone could finally spend all day watching ‘Floor Is Lava’ while power-chugging Häagen-Dazs just like they’d always dreamed.

This new edition has Electronic Sounds' biggest review section of the year so far. My own contributions include an appraisal of the new album by Erasure ("this neon flickers with regret") alongside my takes on GLOK, Nicolas Bougaïeff and Ellen Fullman & Theresa Wong. M'colleagues have also written about new albums from International Teachers of Pop, Rival Consoles, Scanner and Daniel Avery. Well worth a read.

Must stop writing: I'm about to miss the new episode of Eastenders / Only Fools And Horses / Birds Of A Feather / Brush Strokes / Howard's Way / the test card / Network 7 (delete as appropriate).

Infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters: Electronic Sound issue 66 is out now

On the cover of the new Electronic Sound you'll find synth pioneer Suzanne Ciani, who is such an electronic music legend, when she once moved to New York, the only furniture she took was her Buchla modular kit.

Also inside this edition is my usual column. This month, my sluice of wet word waste recalls the time I had a jam session with some Christian friends. This really actually happened, although the details will be different* because I have the memory of a slightly neglected plank. Here are a few sentences:

"I Marshall Jeffersoned that synthesiser to pieces. As long as we weren’t in the key of C, my choppy rave chords soared above Anita’s meandering oboe and hairy William’s sixteen tambourines (he was surprisingly dextrous). Infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters: we were bound to be headlining the Hacienda within the week."

Once again, I illustrated my column, an excerpt of which you can see above. I've gone for a yellow and brown vibe this month. Last month it was purples and pinks. This all just doesn't happen by accident, you know. Apart from...

In this illustration for a previous @ElectronicMagUK, George the hippo is pressing G for George. Let's pretend this was intentional and I am, in fact, dead clever. pic.twitter.com/Ur2UvWOl40

— Fat Roland (@FatRoland) June 13, 2020

I also reviewed Shaw & Grossfeldt ("a mountainside of smoky chords"), Helena Hauff ("unrelenting"), Sonic Boom ("a disturbing flicker"), Koenig ("tin-can tomfoolery"), J Majik ("a warm hug") and Blibberty Jazzpump F'nang F'nang Splat ("this is Robson & Jerome, no I mean literally, this is Robson & Jerome"). I made that last one up, sorry.

If I tell you any more about issue 66 of Electronic Sound, I'm legally bound to charge you 50 pence, so get yourself a subscription, or pick up a copy in one of those new-fangled shops they're opening up these days.

* the true core of the story in my column: the church youth group. the Christian holiday, the jam session, me playing choppy chords, the talented pianist freezing up.

Further Fats: New York, London, Paris, Munich, everybody talk about complicated electronica with difficult time signatures and a limited listening demographic (2009)

Further Fats: Refresh FM Manchester: how I was stopped from presenting because I was gay (2009)

Teapots

Teapots.

That's it. That's the blog post. Just the word 'teapots'. Thanks for reading.

Issue 64 of Electronic Sound magazine is all about John Foxx (not actual fox) And The Maths (not actual maths), but the most important bit, as ever, is the inside back page. On this page, you will find my regular Banging On column (not actual column).

This month's rant is about how to have a number one hit single, inspired by the KLF's legendary Manual. The best sentence is "if I had a beard like that, my trouser topiary would be on the front page of National Geographic", but don't take my word for it. Order the issue 64 print edition here, or upgrade to the version with the vinyl if you're feeling fancy.

I got to illustrate my column again this month, but instead of an illustration, I just took a photograph of Kraftwerk with a load of teapots (see above). What? Yes, it's an actual photograph. It only looks like a cartoon because of the photo realism.

The picture is relevant to the content of the column, honest. Not that I know much about teapots. I've never owned one. I had some builders in once, so bought a box of teabags, the only tea bags I've ever bought. I used two teabags nervously making tea for the builders and let the rest of the box go past its use-by date. Tea is horrible, and I'd rather drink healthy stuff like Pepsi, Blue Nun or Toilet Duck.

I probably shouldn't title this blog post "Teapots". It'll kill any Google ranking. And one thing I've learnt from fifteen and a half years of blogging is how to get hits by doing a words good proper. Is writing about tea popular on the internet? Do people google 'tea'? If I keep mentioning tea, will people arrive on this blog post looking for information about tea?

Anyway, that's the blog post (not actual post). Thanks for reading.

Further Fats: Tick tick tick tick bleep (2012 – the first Electronic Sound)

Further Fats: Why did the Fat Roland cross the road? (2017 – contains a tea drinker)

Talking about sad things with Squarepusher

In the new issue of Electronic Sound magazine, I chat to Squarepusher about keeping puppies, and how puppies are so cute, and ha ha ha look at their little floppy ears and—

Okay, I lied about the puppies. I'm trying to keep things light-hearted because actually my chat with Squarepusher in issue 62 of the magazine was as melancholic as flip. This is not angry Squarepusher. This is a vulnerable bloke who has recently faced loss in more ways than one. Our conversation was quite extraordinary, and it was a side of the Square one I really liked.

I would explain more, but you're going to have to get yourself a copy by visiting the Electronic Sound website, or popping into WH Smith, or summoning a magazine-creating wizard by setting twelve magpies on fire.

Six whole pages of me and Squarepusher. Exciting, right? No? Oh suit yerself.

The @SQUAREPUSHER interview in @ElectronicMagUK this month is really special.

— Colin Bond (@colinb_nd) February 13, 2020

Elsewhere in the magazine, I write a full page column all about insurance. Yes, really. For the first time ever, I accompany my words with a custom-scrawled illustration. There's a little bit of the illustration in the image above. Find all the words alongside my cartoon on the inside back page of the mag.

Oh and I've done some reviews too. All of which is massively overshadowed by this month's Electronic Sound cover story, not written by me, about the astonishing life and death of music producer Joe Meek. It's well worth a read. Oh my.

(Sine)wave hello to my full page Squarepusher review in Electronic Sound magazine

Issue 61 of Electronic Sound magazine, released last week, pokes a stick at independent record labels and sees if they squeak. Even more importantly, I'm pretty chuffed to have written this month's lead album review.

There's always one big chunking piece at the start of every month's review section: a full page blather about the big release of the month. In issue 61's big fat review, I give my thoughts on Squarepusher's new album Be Up A Hello.

If you take a peek above, you'll see I've taken a photograph of the review, so you don't have to buy the magazine. Oh. Dammit. Silly old Censorship Cedric got in the way. Gaaaah! Cedric!

One thing I will tell you about the review is that I mention Mr Blobby within the first few words. This is a serious album review. Honest.

I've also written about new album releases by Steve Roach, Phase Fatale and Pod Blotz. And if you finger your way to the back of the magazine, you'll find my monthly column. I've banged on about the brand spanking new year we affectionately call 2020. The first paragraph contains the word "groin", which is pretty much all you need to know.

I realise I throw lots of free words at you on this website, but it's definitely worth a subscription to Electronic Sound because my words there tend to be better. For example, I have never used – and will never use – the word "groin" on this blog. But I have definitely used the word "groin" in issue 61.

By the way, they never squeak: they're too robust.

Further Fats: Harder Better Faster Fats: how I want to make 2014 better than 2013 (2014) (contains the word "groin")

For Delia Derbyshire, faffing became an artform — heck, I should know

The new Electronic Sound magazine features electronic music pioneer Delia Derbyshire, who is the best woman named after an English county after, er, Sarah Lancashire.

This edition comes with a particularly striking cover illustration by Adam Forster. A quick glance at his Instagram suggests he does a great line in hand snails, finger fries and skull worms. You'll have to scroll his Insta to discover I'm not making those things up.

It's a very nice issue with some good words in, and it even has Underworld talking about their Drift project, and Josh Wink talking about Higher State Of Consciousness.

However, some idiot came along to spoil everything. Hey, look, it's not my fault that I happen to know EVERYTHING about Delia Derbyshire and all you flopsies know absolutely nothing about her. Harrumph.

Here's the start of my new column about Delia Derbyshire in Issue 59 of Electronic Sound. I do apologise. By the way, as ever Joel Benjamin has done a brilliant illustration to accompany my writing - see here.

I envy Delia Derbyshire and all the music she magically made from toasters and wooden spoons and fart cushions. When I faff around all day, smearing my belly with guacamole to add texture to my sexts, I’m “procrastinating” and “avoiding my responsibilities” and “behind on my bills”. But for Delia Derbyshire, faffing became an artform: she’d whack some nipple clamps onto a lampshade and suddenly you’ve got Doctor Who. [read more by getting Electronic Sound issue 59] 

I would like to apologise to the entire history of electronic music. pic.twitter.com/HTmMZVtkJy

— Fat Roland (@FatRoland) November 14, 2019

Further Fats: Electronic words (2014)

Further Fats: Delia Derbyshire: put a donk on it (2017)

"Acid house - it's not real music, is it" said the idiot

I'm no stranger to a filter-tweaking acid house night, so I'm delighted to see that the latest Electronic Sound is dedicated to acid house records.

Along with pieces about 808 State and Luke Vibert, they're selling a t-shirt dedicated to this issue of the magazine. You'd probably assume if I wore that t-shirt clubbing, it would end up ripped from my sweaty body and left in a pool of beer and poppers. Actually, I stay fully clothed on dancefloors in case I poke someone's eye out with an errant nipple.

Flick to the back of the magazine and you'll find my regular column Banging On: 600 words of finely-hewn waffle-cabbage dedicated to the wonders of acid house.

Well. I say dedicated. The piece I submitted contains the following contradictory phrases:

"Acid house. It’s not real music, is it."

"Acid house is for losers."

"How dare anyone besmirch the glorious name of acid house."

"People who don’t like acid house are the worst kind of fart-faces, and I’ve met Jim Davidson. "

What's going on? Has my brain melted from all the acid drugs? You can find out by getting issue 58 of Electronic Sound, and while wearing the corresponding 'acid sound' t-shirt.

(Additional note: it's now too late to order that limited edition t-shirt, so forget you ever saw it.)

Further Fat Roland: A ticket to ride: bumbling into MC Tunes and putting the green suit away (2007)

Further Fat Roland: I love acid and the acid loves me (2015)

50 candles for Electronic Sound

Congratulations to Electronic Sound for reaching its 50th issue. That's one edition for every US state, or for every mph in the Speed bus's explosion zone, or for every dollar you'd have if 50 Cent cloned himself 99 times.

I've been with the magazine since its first issue, which was carved into stone tablets by dinosaurs because they didn't have photocopiers in them days.

Massive props to the ES crew in Norwich who have bust a gut to produce 50 quality pieces of work. I haven't done 50 of anything. For example, so far in my life, I've not listened to Rick Astley 50 times, or been up a tree 50 times, or eaten 50 corn-on-the-cobs.

For the 50th edition, which has Karl Bartos draped all over the cover, my column broaches the tricky subject of politics. And pigeon droppings. Buy Electronic Sound magazines past and present here.

Further Fats: 'O' logo - the 50th blog post on this site (2006)

Further Fats: "No. No. You've still lost me. Could you rewrite it with just the facts and about 50% less nonsense." (2008)

Further Fats: Pitchfork's 50 best IDM albums - the Fat Roland edit (2017)

Remember when I used to present Tomorrow's World? No?

In the new Electronic Sound magazine, I had a natter with Matt Berry. Yes, that Matt Berry. He's got a great Television Themes album out, so we talked about Top Of The Pops and Are You Being Served and all that kinda stuff.

I also waffled with the International Teachers Of Pop about their ace debut album. That interview was a moment of fun in a crazy jaunt to Sheffield during which I was also the victim of theft and I pathetically failed to get into a comedy club.

Including my column in which I erroneously claim I used to present Tomorrow's World, and including my half page review of Ultramarine's new album, my articles span nearly 15 pages of the new Electronic Sound. That includes pictures too. Nice pictures. Buy the new issue here or in a shop.

Good jobs I can done string an sentence together, huh.

Further Fats: Oramics is like television, only backwards (2008)

Further Fats: It's not how many notes you have: it's what you do with them (2009)

FATROLANDFATROLANDFATROLAND

I may have mentioned myself too much in the latest edition of Electronic Sound.

In my new column, I talk about my Twitter trickery in which I hoodwinked my followers with a secret acrostic. The problem is, the acrostic was my own name, so now my column contains the ridiculous "word":

FATROLANDFATROLANDFATROLAND

It's a bit like that bit in Being John Malkovich where John Malkovich says John Malkovich lots, but without John Malkovich.

The piece also contains the words "Zorgoid", "screamo", "furball", "bums" and "mangles", and elsewhere in the mag there's John Foxx and Stephen Mallinder and end-of-year gubbins. And yet... Fat Roland. FatRoland. FATROLANDFATROLAND.

Snaffle yourself the latest Electronic Sound here or in major newsagents, or just rock up to the counter and ask for Fat Roland until they relent.

Further Fats: Tick tick tick tick bleep (2012)

Further Fats: Happy birthday, my blog (2015)

Make your ugly gaff nicer with these Electronic Sound prints

One of the best things about working for Electronic Sound is their design aesthetic. Holding the physical magazine in your hands literally makes your hands look better.

This is despite my regular attempts to sabotage the magazine with my ugly words. Oh boy, they're ugly. When I'm in draft mode, I have to put bags over the letters' heads. Especially the g's. I write very ugly g's.

Electronic Sound makes everything beautiful. If you have an ugly home - and I'm sure you do - you can introduce a bit of Electronic Sound style with some luvverly cover prints.

Have a browse here. I'm in all of these issues, so it will be just like having a bit of Fat Roland in your home but without breaking the restraining order.

Jesus be praised: Orbital's brand new 7" is a Kraftwerk cover

Orbital have a new single out, and blow me down with an electronic sausage, it's a Kraftwerk cover.

The Greetings From Düsseldorf seven-inch single is a special limited edition available from Electronic Sound, the magazine tyrants who shake me by my ankles every month until a column drops out.

One side is Orbital's version of Kraftwerk’s Numbers, which is like crossing the streams in a good way because the ectoplasm smells of techno. And the other side is Wie Die Wind Weht by Der Plan, an electronic trio reuniting after 25 years.

Grab the single along with the latest magazine by jumping on the Electronic Sound website now.

Incidentally, on page 30 of issue 30, you will find my latest column. I like to think of it as extended sleeve notes for the Orbital single. I mean, it's actually not. In the column, I rewrite the Bible. It's kind of epic in a quite disturbing way.

It's also worth getting the magazine because it looks and feels amazing. It really does. I'm going to have to stop writing this blog post so I can touch it.

Mmmmm. Techno.