Ultimate 90s number one: Several tragedies, a scally elf, and a bedroom musician saves the day

As I was ploughing through my daily plate of 15 full-size scotch eggs this morning, I was reflecting on the latest contenders in Ultimate 1990s Number One, my series in which I rate every number one in the 1990s UK singles chart.

Do you know what I concluded? Scotch eggs are great. I really love these scotch eggs. The ten chart-toppers I'm about to feature have some interesting aspects, but these crumb-smeared porky eggballs really are hitting the mark.

I think I might vomit. Bring on the contenders!

The contenders

All Saints: Never Ever | Blondie: Maria | East 17: Stay Another Day | Freddie Mercury: Living on My Own | Meat Loaf: I'd Do Anything for Love (But I Won't Do That) | Oasis: D'You Know What I Mean? | Spacedust: Gym and Tonic | Steps: Heartbeat / Tragedy | The Verve: The Drugs Don't Work | White Town: Your Woman

I won't do these

It is a well-established fact that Meatloaf would do anything for love. As the best-selling single of 1993 clearly states, he knows it's true and that's a fact. However, the one thing Meatloat won't do for love is proceed any further in my Ultimate 90s competition. His histrionic handkerchief-clutching has no place here.

Like the Meatloaf song, I found Oasis's third chart-topper D'You Know What I Mean? to be excessive. With its overbearing strings and uninspired lyrics, it represented Oasis's descent into their OASIS period (Overblown And Stale Indie Sludge). They gain points for using morse code, but dash dash / dot / dot dot dot dot.

An actual tragedy

I would like to eliminate two further contestants. Steps' take on Tragedy is, compared to the BeeGees original, a tragedy. In the video for its other A-side Heartbeat, they battle a bunch of dwarfs. This was back in the 1990s, in the socially careless era of Friends' casual homophobia, but surely that was a, er, Steps too far.

By the time The Verve hit number one with the maudlin melodrama The Drugs Don't Work. they had lost some of their, er, verve. In your face, previous paragraph, that was way better than the Steps joke. Still, it's a bit of a tune, and sometimes the drugs don't indeed work, and we are greateful for their medical wisdom. It is eliminated because I'm looking for bleepy hits not weepy hits.

Hacienda flashback

The following tracks are undoubtedly tunes, indeed possibly bangers, but none of them progress in this competition because their bleepiness is either absent or inadequate.

I have a vague memory of seeing the early, unsuccessful version of All Saints. It may have been a ZTT Records showcase, and I think it was at the Hacienda. They were the best band of the night, but they wouldn't enjoy success until the Appleton sisters joined. Although Never Ever was made amid song writing tensions, it achieved more pre-sales than any other song in UK history. A banger.

Knocking The Offspring off the number one spot wasn't on my bingo card for Blondie. They hadn't topped the singles chart since the early 1980s. Maria came with dance remixes by Talvin Singh and NYC producers Soul Solution, with Singh totally ripping the track into fractals of drum 'n' bass tabla goodness.

As I was saying to Santa Claus the other day, we haven't had a decent Christmas number one hit for ages. East 17's Stay Another Day was a banger with baubles on. Scally elf Brian Harvey has cut quite a trouble figure in recent years. You should check out The Black Dog's Conspiracy Tapes featuring Brian's wilder rants – I think it's great, although Santa hates it because he only likes 15th century madrigals and mumble rap. 

We are (not) the champions

It would be awful to make you wade through this whole blog post only for me to tell you that none of these contenders are good enough to continue in the Ultimate 90s competition. It would be a waste of your time, it would be a waste of my time, and it probably contravenes some kind of blogging law. Fingers crossed...

When Bob Sinclair fluked a number one in summer 1998, it rode a wave of energetic French house music. But Gym & Tonic has problems. Small problem: it is inferior to the track it samples, Stardust's Music Sounds Better With You. Bigger problem: it is inferior to the original Gym Tonic by Daft Punk's Thomas Bangalter which featured workout vocals by Jane Fonda. Sorry, Bob, it's a no.

I never thought I'd say this, but here's a thumping dance tune from Freddie Mercury. Everyone's favourite moustachioed prancer dug out Living On My Own from his 1985 solo album, asked Belgian production outfit No More Brothers to remix it, and lo and behold he's knocking Take That off the number one spot. Shame he wasn't around to appreciate the song's new-found success. My only issue is that's it's annoying. Really annoying. The bit when he goes all scat? The way he says "monkey business"? Proper rubs me up the wrong way.

Please, let's have one good track. Please. I bow to the blogging gods, deliver us from musical mediocrity. PLEASE.

Worth Whiting for (sorry)

Just when I thought all was lost, here comes White Town (pictured) with the glorious Your Woman. I remember getting this sent before release, and it was so lo-fi, I wouldn't have predicted the success it had. Adamski had popularised the 'keyboard wizard' DIY synth thing years earlier, but here was a bedroom musician knocking Tori Amos off the top spot. Jyoti Mishra's still going strong, posting music programming videos, and with singles varying from sunny pop rock to dirty acid techno.

Thank you, White Town, you've saved it. Your Woman goes through to the Ultimate 90s final.

See more Ultimate 90s number ones 

Smileys for miles: 10 rave culture classics that you should listen to immediately

Look at you, sat on your sofa watching repeats of the Nine O'Clock News from 1984 while munching seven-day old Jaffa cakes you found in the back of your cupboard. Jeez, what a loser. What you need, my lazy friend, are some rave-inspired records to ramp up your energy.

Here are ten tracks that, in their own individual way, bring alive the energy of rave music. Some are more directly connected to rave, and will transport you back to the days of poppers and smiley faces. Others owe some kind of historic debt to rave culture: even if you didn't experience rave back in the day, these tunes should still evoke the pill-popping hypercoloured club culture of yore. 

The highlighted links should open to a YouTube video of that track.

808 State: Cubik
Following the success of their blissful and balaeric Pacific State, 808 State put out a series of singles with a harder energy. Cubik was an unlikely top ten hit because of its cranky square-wave chords, alarmist emergency sirens and wild guitar shreds. There's footage online of young ravers partying to Cubik at Stone Roses' infamous Spike Island gig. Perfect for throwing (cuboid) shapes to.

Altern-8: Infiltrate 202
This was the masked mavericks' first hit single, and it peaked at number 28 in July 1991, just behind a new entry from Frankie Knuckles' The Whistle Song and just ahead of a new entry from Bomb The Bass's Winter In July. Crumbs, what a chart. And what an anthem. Simplistic, geometric breakbeat shapes which felt quite comical at the time, but laid some pretty serious groundwork in commercial chart rave.

Bicep: Glue
The video for Bicep's nostalgia-bazooka Glue interspersed images of abandoned rave sites with quote captions from ex-ravers. "Never had a comedown like that one," reminisces one caption. "Best days of my life," says another. "Off my box with four cans of Stella," interrupts one wag, ruining the mood. Joe Wilson's video was a perfect foil to the Bicep boys' heart-wrenching breakbeats. What a comedown. 

Chase & Status: Blind Faith
Like the Chemical Brothers, Chase & Status's partnership can be traced back to their time at Manchester university. And like the Chemical Brothers, the pair tread a neat line in roof-shattering beats. Blind Faith was a huge hit from their breakthrough album No More Idols. It was a tribute to grubby warehouse rave, bolstered by Loleatta Holloway-style live vocals from Yola. Chase & Status gonna work it out.

Fatboy Slim: Eat, Sleep, Rave, Repeat
Norman Cook has enjoyed number one success in various guises, and I had plenty of choice for this list. His creativity knows no bounds, whether it's a caveman turning into a chubby lad or Christopher Walken walkin' weird. Three decades after he learnt bass so he could join the Housemartins, Mr Slim released this modern classic in tribute to the fours states of raving. It's like Eat, Pray, Love but with poppers.

Klaxons: Atlantis To Interzone
They may have just been a bunch of London indie kids, but they brought "new rave" to the masses and singlehandedly re-popularised glowsticks with the gigging public. The awkwardly-named Atlantis To Interzone enjoyed radio support but, incredibly, failed to make a dent in the UK charts. A travesty. They followed-up this tribute to rave with an ace cover of Grace's Perfecto Records classic Not Over Yet.

Nia Archives: Off Wiv Ya Headz
I could have included A-Trak's iconic remix of the Yeah Yeah Yeahs' Heads Will Roll, but this junglist remix is irresistible. Nia Archives knocked up the track when trying to entertain crowds at Manchester's Warehouse Project, no mean feat considering the number of gurning bucket-hatters I've encountered there. If her name is new to you, dive into the Nia Archives archives immediately. Your rave heart will thank you.

Pet Shop Boys: Vocal
This might be a controversial one if you're a purist. And yes, I know Vocal has all the energy of your grandad pining for the days when the high street was all butchers and shoe shops. But this track has proper rave origins: the Boys say it was inspired by a clubbing venture in Brazil in the mid-1990s. They reflected this in the video by using footage from actual raves. A great tune from the domino dancers. 

Together: Hardcore Uproar
This John Carpenter-sampling classic was released on Pete Tong's brilliant FFRR label, It was the epitome of crossover rave bangers. That "ha-ha-hardcore uproar" voice? It's not a sample: it's just Suddi Raval's doing it directly into a mic. And the crowd cheers are from a Together live recording - in the background, you can hear Suddi shouting "yeeeeeah" to hype the crowd up. Rave to its very (hard)core.

The Streets: Weak Become Heroes
This list is almost in alphabetical order by artist, so we end up with The Streets. This is the best music act named after a road since, er, 'Don't Call Me Baby' hitmakers Madison Avenue. The downbeat Weak Become Heroes is Skinner's paeon to losing himself in the club and having a KFC afterwards. It's not a very ravey way to finish this list, but you can't have the smiley highs without the post-ecstasy crash.

Main blog picture: Altern-8

Further Fats: If it goes bleep, it may or may not be EDM (2013)

Further Fats: Just how DO you act at your first rave? (2019)

Plaything posters: Black Mirror goes full Designers Republic

The Plaything episode of Black Mirror is a love/hate letter to video games and artificial intelligence. It is also a tribute to the graphic genius of The Designers Republic.

In the episode, future national treasure Will Poulter plays visionary game designer Colin Ritman. At one point in the episode, we visit Ritman's office. His shelves are cluttered with framed posters featuring the work of the TDR graphic design studio, which is beloved of techno heads and console gamers.

While he talks to Lewis Gribben's games journalist character Cameron Walker, you can spot the following works:

○ An Aphex Twin poster
○ the cover of Polygon Window's Quoth
○ a rare poster for The Orb's Blue Room
○ the cover of Autechre's debut album Incunabula
○ a circle thing which I haven't identified yet
○ a "laugh vote die" poster referencing a previous Black Mirror episode
○ and, hidden behind Cameron, the cover of Warp's first volume of Artificial Intelligence.

In another shot, you can spot Autechre's album Amber.

There are The Designers Republic works elsewhere in this office. Notice the one with the pigtails? That's from a TDR takeover of Emigre magazine – issue 29, to be exact. The pigtailed mascot featured here is called Sissy. The poster further left with a similar colour scheme is a collage for the same publication and contains stream-of-consciousness gibberish such as "design or die!", "g7oba7 7anguag3 for th3 mazz3z" and a Sheffield '94 football ident.

On the same shelf, there's an impenetrable sheet of black and white logo designs. This is their Visual Symbolism Vol. 94 (1990-1994) collection of "new and used" logos which contains Pop Will Eat Itself icons, Sun Electric's typeface, and a tonne of visual blaps saying things like "have a nice day" and "e by gum" and "I love my DR".

There is more, of course, but if I delve further into this, I'll fall into some kind of Black Mirror plot matrix and I'll grown USB sticks for fingers or something. Anyway, it's smashing to see such an iconic design outfit represented on the telly.

Further Fats: The Designers Republic vs B12 Records – are the 1990s dead? (2009)

Further Fats: Chosen Words – D is for Design (2010)

Keeping it current with a former Man-Machine: An interview with Wolfgang Flür

I interviewed Wolfgang Flür for the latest edition of Electronic Sound magazine.

Flür’s new album Times features Boris Blank out of Yellow, Thomas Vangarde out of Daft Punk, Peter Hook out of New Order, Juan Atkins out of, er, Juan Atkins, and more besides.

We talked about German mythology, the passing of time, songwriting inspiration during his Kraftwerk days, and his partnership with the brilliant Peter Duggal, who joined us for the interview. I was chuffed that Peter was with us: it gave an interesting spin to the piece.

Wolfgang is, of course, most famous for being a member of Kraftwerk, a group I think are better than sliced bread AND bees knees. This is the first time I've interviewed someone inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. A lot of pressure, I guess, although I'm not the type of person to be starstruck.

While researching for the interview, I saw a video of Wolfgang gently complaining about a previous Electronic Sound interview in which they led with him being a member of Kraftwerk. This is the most famous thing about him, but it got me wondering. Could you really get away with not mentioning the K word?

So I took a risk. He may not have noticed, but I deliberately didn't mention Kraftwerk for the entire interview. The name did not pass my lips. It felt like a dereliction of journalistic duty, disrespectful even, but my reasoning was calculated:

(a) The theme of the album is "times" and I wanted our conversation to be rooted in the here-and-now and his latest work.

(b) There is probably nothing more to say about his involvement with a band he departed nearly four decades ago.

(c) He was going to mention the K word anyway, which he did to beautiful effect as you can see in the article.

I salute you, Wolfgang and Peter. Times well spent. The article can be read in issue 124 of Electronic Sound available at all good retailers, or, via subscription, on the Electronic Sound website.

Further Fats: Chosen Words: J is for Juan Atkins (2010)

Further Fats: Breaking – Kraftwerk legend has important message about Electronic Sound (2010)

When monks dropped the hottest track of 1991

When Enigma' Sadeness (Part 1) topped the singles chart in early 1991, it was confusing and weird. Like ravioli, which are pillows you can eat.

The song was sexy and sinful, which left the religious 17-year-old Fats quaking in my cassock. Even more transgressively, they spelled 'sadness' wrong, which was enough to make my communion wafers crumble.

The devil did try to stop Enigma. A week before Sadeness topped the charts, Iron Maiden scored an unlikely number one with Bring Your Daughter... To The Slaughter. Lead singer Bruce Dickenson said he wrote the song to "scare the living daylights out of Cliff Richard". Sadeness knocked Slaughter off its perch, but it was then in turn knocked off the top spot by Queen's bombastic Innuendo, although whether Mercury's lot were on the side of God or the Devil remains a mystery.

It's tempting to write off Sadeness as a novelty song, like Mr Blobby, the Crazy Frog or anything by Phil Collins. It had Latin and sadism and foghorns and the Bible. One reviewer called it "easy listening sex music" – which sounds either brilliant or awful, I'm not quite sure which. But it far outstretched novelty songwriting, and the parent album MCMXC a.D. was a brilliant piece of experimental weirdness. 

The monks are, of course, the most memorable thing about the track. Listen to them, carping on about angels and heaven and stuff. At least, I think that was the subject matter– it was all in Latin. This is not as unique as you might think – even Little Mix have had a middle-eight in Latin.

Sadeness also sampled James Brown and Soul II Soul for its beats. Sampling was rife when Enigma charted at the tail end of 1990. Technology was super limited back then, so producing any kind of sample of note was an achievement. And they were monks so they probably didn't even have plug sockets.

The "Part One" of Sadeness has always intrigued me, as it suggested that a Part Two would follow. This didn't happen until 2016, when Enigma finally released Sadeness (Part II), based around Bach's Toccata and Fugue in D Minor, and featured on their eighth studio album The Fall Of A Rebel Angel. At this rate, there will be a third part in 2049.

My track Sophie's Faves, recorded with Fritz von Runte and featured on the Sleeve Notes album, includes Enigma as one of its various musical flavours. Its inclusion is very deliberate: I'm no longer religious, but those monks still make my halo wibble.

Further Fats: Chosen Words: Q is for Queen (2010)

Further Fats: Dance music: it's all so wrong (2019)

Ultimate 90s Number One: Livin' the ABBA Dream

Here is a new edition of everyone's 4,980,337th favourite blog series, Ultimate 1990s Number One. I am trawling through every UK number one single of the 1990s and deciding which is the bleepiest banger, the king of the beats, the bossest of the boss drums.

Here are 11 more hopefuls.

The contenders

Baddiel, Skinner and The Lightning Seeds: Three Lions | Bombalurina: Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Bikini | Boyz II Men: End of the Road | Erasure: Abba-esque (EP) | Gary Barlow: Forever Love | Jamiroquai: Deeper Underground | Lenny Kravitz: Fly Away | Livin' Joy: Dreamer | Partners in Kryme: Turtle Power | Westlife: Swear It Again | Wet Wet Wet: Goodnight Girl

Turtles versus Timmy

Who's better? The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles or Timmy Mallet? The Turtles are named after Italian renaissance painters, while Timmy is pretty nifty with a paintbrush. The Turtles love wielding nunchucks, while Timmy has a huge mallet. They all dress like an explosion in a Dulux factory.

The answer is neither. The heroic half-shelled Partners In Kryme and Mr Mallet's Bombalurina outfit both produced terrible songs, so they can be eliminated immediately. Incidentally, check out Timmy's cycling adventures online – they're lovely.

No, no, no

I have a whole bunch of songs I want to dismiss next. I shall try to be polite, even though the following songs make me want to rip my ears off.

I've checked the lyrics, and apparently Boyz II Men's End Of The Road isn't about roadworks. They're still going, apparently, doing reality television and performing the national anthem at sporty sport games. It's anyone's guess whether they ever completed their transition from boyz to men.

Cheshire's cheesiest pop cat Gary Barlow scored ten number one singles in the 1990s, either solo or as part of Take That. Despite his obvious songwriting prowess, I wouldn't recognise a single note of Forever Love even if you whispered it into my lughole while pantomime horsing together.

"I wish that I could fly," said Orville the du-- er, I mean, Lenny Kravitz on his 26th single Fly Away. Flying was a common theme for 1990s number one singles, with flying-themed chart toppers from R Kelly, Westlife and U2. Even Offspring reckoned they were pretty fly. Fly Away is perhaps the most asinine of the lot of them.

Here is a list of things I would rather do than listen to Westlife's Swear It Again. Chew razor blades. Snort spiders. Wear a cheese grater as underpants. Have a gong bath with Ann Widdecombe. Listen to Swear It Again twice.

Oh and Wet Wet Wet? No no no.

Eyeballs and guns  

I remember watching the Euro '96 match in which Gareth Southgate fudged a crucial penalty. I remember because, until a couple of years ago, it was the only football match I have watched all the way through. I'm not a footie lad. However, I do love The Lightning Seeds and standup comedy, so Three Lions was alright by me. The song is remarkable in that it has spent three weeks at number one in three totally separate weeks across 22 years.

I suppose, objectively speaking, Deeper Underground is a banger of a tune. However, on this blog in 2008, I wrote "There is no excuse for Jamiroquai: he makes me want to smash in my eyeballs with guns." Crikey, so much body horror on this blog. My ire has dissipated over the years, but his blend of furry-hatted squeaky cheese still misses the mark with me. Deeper Underground is from the Godzilla (1998) soundtrack, which has a Rotten Tomatoes score of 20%. Enough said.

Showing some love

Which leaves us with two electronic music contenders (pictured above). Will either of them get through to the final, or will I do my usual thing of being sniffy about both of them?

Dreamer was Paolo and Gianni Visnadi's attempt to emulate Robin S's Show Me Love. Fact: it was voiced by Snap!'s live vocalist Janice Robinson. Between Dreamer's first foray into the top 20 in 1994 and its eventual number one spot eight months later in 1995, the duo also had a smash hit as Alex Party (Don't Give Me Your Life). Livin' Joy are the real deal, and they go through to the next round.

While Erasure's tribute to Abba seemed frivolous, with the pair dragging up for the promo video, the Abba-esque EP is a chunky bit of electronic music. An unashamed analogue bleepfest. Their version of SOS is one of the best headphone listens of the 1990s. Novelty be damned, this easily goes through to the next round.

Thank goodness. A happy result.

See more Ultimate 90s number ones 

Come to snazzy: Wear Aphex Twin, scare your friends, regret nothing

If you've ever wanted to wear Aphex Twin all over your body, you could be in luck.

The New York clothing company Supreme has launched an Aphex clothing line. It includes GoreTex jackets, football jerseys, shorts and thermals, and something called a Mantis coin knife. Hey, an insect needs to defend itself.

The hoodie they showed off on Instagram is exquisitely ridiculous, with Aphex's grinning face glaring at you in 360 degrees of grin. It retails for over £500, which is one pound for every time someone is going to crap themselves when they see you wearing it.

There's a mohair sweatshirt with a low-res Aphex photo in grubby pink. There's a pair of thermal shorts, already sold out, dotted with his iconic logo. And there's a dayglo orange formal shirt with "Come To Daddy" written where your appendix scar is meant to be.

When I think of Aphex Twin's musical output, I don't really think of clothing. I suppose there's a track on Richard D. James Album called Fingerbib, which sounds a bit like a partial glove. And on his 2015 EP Computer Controlled Acoustic Instruments pt2, there are five tracks with the word "hat" in their titles. There are probably more, but halfway through researching this, I had to have a serious word with myself about how I spent my spare time.

The Supreme clothing line is a refreshing take on Aphex Twin merchandise which, in nightclubs up and down the country, has become as ubiquitous as beanie hats and Turkey teeth. I hope next season brings Leftfield loafers and Chemical Brothers cummerbunds.

Further Fats: Chosen Words: D is for Design (2010)

Further Fats: It's got a cow as a logo (2022)

Ultimate 90s number one: It's like that (and that's the way it wiggle wiggles)

Here is another episode of Ultimate 1990s Number One. In each edition of this long-running blog series, I pick a bunch of number one singles from the 1990s UK singles chart. I pit them against each other, guided by two unclear and slightly unhelpful criteria, namely:

1. Is this song a banger?

2. Is this song bleepy, i.e. an electronic music track.

Once have have gone through all of the 1990s number ones, there will be a grand final. Probably.

The contenders

Aqua: Doctor Jones | The Bluebells: Young at Heart | Fugees: Ready or Not | Hale and Pace and the Stonkers: The Stonk | The Outhere Brothers: Don't Stop (Wiggle Wiggle) | Queen: Innuendo | R. Kelly: I Believe I Can Fly | Robson & Jerome: I Believe / Up on the Roof | Robson & Jerome: What Becomes of the Brokenhearted / Saturday Night at the Movies / You'll Never Walk Alone | Run-DMC vs. Jason Nevins: It's Like That | Take That: How Deep Is Your Love

Let's not stonk

As with previous listings, I am more than happy to discard some contenders immediately.

Young At Heart by The Bluebells is a beige-dotted line painted down the middle of a road to nowhere. Its 1993 chart-topping rerelease was for a Volkswagen Golf advert, which is about right. A mid song for a mid car. Bananarama's Northern Soul-inspired original is way better.

"Let's stonk to the rhythm of the honky tonk," sang Hale & Pace. "Stick a red nose on your conk and let's stonk." No. I don't want to stick anything on my conk, or on my donk, or my badonkadonk. Thanks anyway Gareth and Bertrand, or whatever your names were.

I don't know if it's because I walked under a ladder or I saw 13 black cats pretending to be a magpie, but for some reason this latest random selection of hit singles has given me two Robson & Jerome singles. I reject your weedy krap-aoke.

I'm also discarding R Kelly into a pit of fire that is on a spaceship that is crashing into the heart of the sun while the universe explodes and all of time and space vortexes in on itself causing every shred of reality to cease to exist until all we are left with is an eternal silence unto infinity in which we can hear precisely zero R Kelly songs.

Doctor who?

The next few tunes are all bangers in their own right, but not bleepy enough to progress in this competition.

If I want medical drama, I'll watch Casualty or House. In fact, Aqua's Doctor Jones barely had any medical content. A bog standard love song, dressed up as a pretty decent pop tune. Very 90s, very bouncy, and the first clue we had that Aqua were going to be more than a plastic-coated one-hit wonder.

The BeeGees' version of How Deep Is Your Love failed to top the charts: it was eclipsed by the tartan juggernaut that was Mull Of Kintyre. Take That's somewhat supine version did achieve number one status, and it was their final swansong before their 90s split. It's what I would describe as a proper pop tune, like a Volvo is a proper car or cheddar is proper cheese.

 

Hi Freddie, can you please give us a single that is somewhere between Bohemian Rhapsody, Faith No More, prog rock and Spanish flamenco? Queen's final chart-topper before Mercury's death was a banger and then some. Although you wouldn't think it, the song contains a notable use of a Korg M1 synthesiser. What it's named after a motorway, I have no idea.

Pass the toilet paper

At this point in my Ultimate 90s write-ups, I'm left with a handful of bleepy tunes. Tracks with electronic music credentials. I'm not convinced that these final three tracks fit the bleepy bill. Let's see,

It sampled Enya. It made Lauren Hill cry. It was Barack Obama's favourite song. Ready Or Not is a classic that humanised hip hop music, and felt like a much deeper dive than the Fugees' other number one Killing Me Softly. Its chorus also makes the childhood game of hide and seek sound as sinister as heck. "Ready or not, here I come." "Aaaaaaargh!" 

In contrast, The Outhere Brothers' Don't Stop (Wiggle Wiggle) is silly. Super silly. As silly as a silly string portrait of Mr Silly on holiday in the Isle of Scilly. The two Outhere singles released before this are titled Pass The Toilet Paper and F*k U In The Ass. Grubby stuff.

And finally, we have those chain-dangling trilby-topped rappers Run-DMC. It's Like That is an old hit of theirs rereleased by house Jason Nevins for boomboxin' breakdancin' cool kids. It's perhaps most notable to stopping the Spice Girls' chart dominance by stopping Stop from clogging up the top spot.

In conclusion? Nothing from this track selection is bleepy / banging enough to go through to the next round of this competition. Yet again, an Ultimate 90s blog post has amounted to nothing. I would be disappointed, if I were you, reader. I'd demand your money back. What a swizz.

The series continues. Not long until the grand final! See more Ultimate 90s number ones