Here are my hot tips for the 2026 Brit Awards and if I'm wrong, I'm moving to Mars

On the day that the Brit Awards come to the Co-op Live in Manchester, here are my hot Brit tips. For each category, I have chosen who I think will win. I was passing the venue last night and a gang of the Brits production crew got on the tram. One of them was impressively beardy and very London. Anyway, I shouted this entire blog post at them until they crawled out of the windows to escape.

Album of the Year: Dave – The Boy Who Played Harp

I’ve not really listened to Dave since his Psychodrama album. I enjoyed that one, with its introspection and all that. Can he win Album of the Year again? I reckon he can, as long as the title of this album lives up to its promise and it’s one hour of Dave playing a harp. Like a proper big one you’ve got to straddle. If any other instruments are involved, I’m not interested.

Artist of the Year: PinkPanthress

I wanted to choose Self Esteem for this one, or Little Simz. But Ms Panthress sampled Underworld for her track Illegal, and that earns her a life membership to Fat Roland’s List Of People That I Think Are Alright. In fact, if anyone ever samples anything from Underworld’s 1994 album Dubnobasswithmyheadman, they should automatically win 12 Brit awards.

Song of the Year: Fred again.., Skepta, PlaqueBoyMax – Victory Lap

I’m not that inspired by the tracks in this category. Lola Young’s Messy was fun, and I liked that one song Raye did a while ago. Skepta’s a great match for Fred again, though, going together like cheese on toast, or beans on toast, or trifle on toast. The track was used on EA Sports FC 26, which I think is a video game of footballers eating fried chicken.

Group of the Year: Sleep Token

In an era of solo stars, is this category even relevant? I nearly went for Pulp. Nearly. But I would love Sleep Token to win this. It would create a seismic wave, like the solar flare in the movie 2012 or like the Greens in Gorton & Denton. Of course, if a metal or metal-adjacent act wins this category, it would be a bitter blow for this electronic music blog, and I reserve the right to whinge about it for the next 12 months.

Breakthrough Artist: Barry Can't Swim

This is a pretty strong category. I've chosen Barry Can't Swim for two reasons. One: he's great. Two: his name contains an apostrophe. This would be the first Brits win for an apostrophe-containing act since Rag 'n' Bone Man, who inexplicably won Best Song for Human in 2018. Yes, we've had Beyoncé with her acute accent and confident comma use from Tyler, The Creator. But big up Barry Can't Swim, who bossed the apost.

International Artist of the Year: Bad Bunny

I can't give two hoots about Bad Bunny's music. Not my cup of tea or, to give it a Latino twist, not my cup of té de hierbas. However, his performance at that big American sports thing was legendary. Even Cardi B turned up, and you know it's a party when Cardi B turns up. The Maga petrol-snorters lost their minds, crooning about jingoism and fishing - it was meant to be wholesome, but you can't spell 'wholesome' without 'ole!'. 

International Song of the Year: Taylor Swift – The Fate of Ophelia

Really, Swift is a placeholder here. The song is fine, but just fine. Better than some of the others. However, if Alex Warren wins with his global megahit Ordinary, I will saw off both of my ears with my snapped copy of his CD single. And if you think that metaphor is weird, check his lyrics: “I'm on the edge of your knife, stayin' drunk on your vine.” What?! If this wins, I’m moving to Mars. No. Uranus. I'm moving to Uranus because it's funnier.

International Group of the Year: Geese

It’s not easy being a group. Cramped tour buses, endless rehearsals, and there’s always an ego in the gang. That’s why I’m backing Geese to win. No disrespect to the human nominees, but if a gaggle of geese bag this award, I’d be stoked. Imagine the podium speech: honking like a feathered berk, beaking canapes out of people’s fat hands. Brilliant.

Alternative/Rock Act: Wet Leg

Is rock still a thing? I thought we’d killed it off with dubstep or when Oasis stopped. I’ve chosen Wet Leg because (a) I like that song they did ages ago about a futon or a pouffe or whatever it was, and (b) I got puddle-splashed by a car the other day, soaked from head to toe the absolute gits, and I spent much of the morning with an actual wet leg.

Hip Hop/Grime/Rap Act: Little Simz

Hmmm. She’s won before, so this might be what the modern internet youth call a ‘bad take’. But I think Simz is still critically acclaimed, and I can’t see why she can’t bag another Brit. It’s a strong category, though: she’s up against Vanilla Ice, Kid ‘n’ Play and PJ & Duncan. (I may need to update my notes.)

Dance Act: Sammy Virji

If I had told 1990s Fat Roland that UK Garage would be dominating the charts in the 2020s, I would have thrown me out of the house. What was I even doing in my house anyway? Get out of my house, me. Anyway, doff of the hat to Virji and the rest of the UKG lot for constantly reinventing a once-underground movement. Wait. This is meant to be a silly blog post. Erm… poo bum willy.

Pop Act: Raye

You'd like me to be silly about Raye's name, wouldn't you. Oh look, he's talking about a stingray or a ray of sunshine, how funny. Oh look, he's comedically mistaken her for a bricklayer called Ray, oh ha ha. I'm not your performing monkey. Anyway, Raye swept the board at the 2024 Brits and I haven't really listened to her since then, so maybe she should win everything again, I dunno.

R&B Act: Sault

Sault are probably the most successful household seasoning alongside Salt from Salt-N-Pepa and Pepa from Salt-N-Pepa. Here's a fact for you: Sault have released as many studio albums as Robbie Williams. Do what you will with that fact; maybe bring it up at a family meal or when you're visiting your cousin in prison. Anyway, Sault are due a Brits win, and the fact they eschew the limelight would make that win even more hilarious.

Critics’ Choice

This has already been awarded to Jacob Alon (pictured above, photo credit James Klug/Getty Images), so there's no point in writing about it. Here's some hold music instead. Dum-de-dum dingy dah doo-doo dah tingle ingle dum-de-dum. Boing boing. Whaaaaang. Tssst tsst tssst tsst doo-be-doo clunk. Actually, this is a brilliant tune. I hope I win a Brit Award for it.

Further Fats: We need a new Mercury Music Prize for people that give a crap about electronic music (2009)

Further Fats: Brits 2010 – a prejudiced review from someone who doesn't give a damn (2010)

Brits 2010: a prejudiced review from someone who doesn't give a damn

I don't need to tell you, dear reader, that the Brit Awards are the saggy scrotum of the music industry needlessly scratched once a year by panting, sweat-sodden record industry moguls.

Did you cry at the telly screen wondering what had happened to music? You missed the point: it has no relevance to music of any kind. That's a bit like looking at a cat going to the toilet and wondering which Shakespeare play is the funniest.

Last year, I ran a live tweet of the Brits. No such fun this year, I'm afraid, but close observers of this blog will already know what I think of this year's winners.

(Yes, this post is just an excuse to link to other bits of my blog, but there is some fun readings to be had if you get clicky. Here goes... )

Forced castration

Lady Gaga swept up the trophy cabinet in the 2010 Brit awards. I did once recommend that James Blunt become more like Lady Gaga with the help of forced castration using nose hair clippers. She's got a good turn in pop pap, but really, she's a load of old nonsense. I do detect, however, begrudging respect from when I live-blogged the Christmas Number One.

JLS inexplicably won a gong or two. There were literally a billion better singles these past 12 months, although their award-winning track Beat Again did give me something to rake over on this very blog last month ("I need love CPR," isn't the best advice, I mused.) JLS? Really?

Florence And The Machine scooped the best album prize for Lungs, which I don't mind too much despite me claiming last month that "The Source are probably rolling in their grave at her treatment of You Got The Love." In fact, I do mind. I do mind very much. If you own her album, you are crusty and merely six inches from death by old age.

And Kasabian didn't do too badly from the Brits either. Kasabian are a bit like that friend you knew from school who's turned into a bit of a knob but you're still friends and anyway he keeps poking you on Facebook. I like to think my Kasabian tip for the 2009 Mercury actually applied to the 2010 Brits instead.

Jizzle Zizzle

Jay Z has had 99 awards and now the 2010 Brits are one too. I want to slag off the Jizzle Zizzle, but I can't. I loved The Grey Album and I've thrown him at least a couple of bones on this blog before (defending him against Radio 4 in 2006 and the wonderful Jay Z bar chart in 2007). Jay, if you ever fancy writing a guest post on this blog, I'm willing to talk money.

I'm also quite a fan of Dizzee Rascal, the cheeky-faced hip hop Tigger who somehow straddles blantant commercialism and the urban underground without breaking a sweat. As far as this blog goes, I fell in love with Dizzeee Raaaaarskuw's name, I slagged off his Band Aid appearance, I compared Bonkers to Ace Of Bass, and I wanted to work with him because he sounded like Scooby Doo.

Where the Brits really lost their way, of course, was when they declared that (What's The Story) Morning Glory was the best album of the past 30 years. Morning Glory is not even in the top 200. Peter Kay's now infamous comment was right (google it) - I've said before that Liam Noel Gallagher's gob needs plugging.

Net of narkiness

And this is where my crass self-promoting linkage almost ends. Sadly for this blog, there are two winners who have warranted many a mention but somehow seem to have escaped my net of narkiness.

I'm amazed that Lily Bloody Allen has only had a couple of mentions on this website (once in an end-of-year review called Knobs, Cocks and Boils, and a quick namecheck in my Number One Album Chart Death Rant). I'd like to go officially on record to say that if clever lyrics were all that it needed, then people would have liked the Smiths. Oh... wait... I need to formulate a better argument, there.

And the Spice Girls, gawd bless their union-flagged PVC trousers, have never had even the slightest mention on Fat Roland On Electronica, until now. I can't think why.

So, there it is. Cry all you want, cringe to your heart's desire, but when you've already made up your mind about certain artists, as I most evidently have,  the Brits aren't worth the record company PR clause they're written in.

Next year: Flying Lotus sweeps the board at the Brits and I completely change my tone.

Live tweeting at the Brits - the full text

As promised a couple of shakes ago, I have just live-tweeted the 2009 Brit Awards on my Twitter feed, which, incidentally, is worth signing up to because I post a few extra links and news that I can't fit onto this site.

Here are my Twitter comments ("tweets") in full, with minor edits so it makes more sense.

- The Brits are copying Glastonbury and using a 'pyramid stage'. Pfffrt. Expect some highly smug tweets as I watch from my tellybox.

- U2 are putting all their words on a big screen like a worship concert.

- Ha ha, look at James Corden, doing a great Homer 'smock'.

- Simon Pegg has kept that weight off.

- Duffy best female?! - the clue's in the name.

- Best International Female up next, it's... NO NO NO WRONG NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO WRONG GET HER OFF NO NO NO NO NO AAAARGH STOP HER TALKING NO NO NO OH PLEASE NO. Katy Perry's stopped. Phew.

- Took Corden 15 mins to do a shag joke to Kyles.

- Girls Aloud look like flamingos.

- Second Brit for Duff(y).

- It's Coldplay - I may have to hide.

- Chris Martin came on naked, doing a rap version of Run To The Hills. Didn't expect that.

- Pet Shop Boys, Brandon Flowers and Lady GaGa later. It could be messy.

- Strong International Group category. It's Kings Of Leon, obvs'ly. Epitome of casual cool, "y'all".

- Why's Paul Weller at home having tea with Adele? (He was in a pub, it turned out.)

- Has Duff(y) finished? Can I un-mute yet?

- Joe Calzagglewaggle looks sheepish because he's totally forgotten which award he's presenting- heh!

- KINGS OF LEON YOU ARE IN BRITAIN NOT JUST ENGLAND. Gah.

- Who are those people with torches?

- It's our hometown boys, Take That. Robbie fever! Rumour was Robbie Williams would turn up. He didn't, but Take That's Brit performance was truly beautiful. Mat Horne is having an orgasm at it.

- Take That looked like Kraftwerk.

- Nick Frost looks like a geography teacher browsing a gardening centre.

- Eddie's just killed Iron Maiden.

- Matt Lucas knows how to find the camera, doesn't he?!

- Hoff and Elbow. What a contrast. Oh as I type, Guy Garvey says to the Hoff, dryly: "You up for a drink later on, David?" Fried Brits gold, ha ha ha!

- Next bit of gossip: Will Katy Perry "controversially" snog Florence & The Machine? Will the Pet Shop Boys, the Killers and Lady GaGa be a car crash? Stay tuned.

- They muted Florence's introduction. Hmm. No snogging.

- Gok's predictable and receding.

- Best International Male Kanye West did a terrible "inter-racial" joke. (International. Inter-racial. It's a pun, see? Kanye's no Tim Vine.)

- Ting Tings and Estelle's quite good mash-up is more sass than my bowels can cope with.

- Did Grace Jones do Estelle's make-up?

- Allan Carr comes on to 'Womanizer'. Does science teacher joke - I've already done that here, luv.

- Best single Girls Aloud is a major relief.

- Tom Jones is a McLaren F1 car (orange and grey).

- Right, Radiohead, it's your time to win... go on... go on... Duff(y)?!? Oh come ON.

- Duff(y)'s crying. Good. She's ruined all music forever by beating Radiohead.

- Stephen Fry's tummy is rumbling - oh the trivia of Twitter.

- Took Corden 110 minutes to do a shag joke about Brandon Flowers.

- Here's Pet Shop Boys' disembodied heads. Starting with Suburbia, with added pink wig, then Love Etc, then Always On My Mind, then (to a massive cheer) Go West . It's a classic Brits melody!

- Here come the sexy men dancers.

- The sexy men dancers have been replaced by Lady GaGa on What Have I Done To Deserve This. One second of I'm With Stupid, then Brandon doing It's A Sin. A couple more breakneck track changes.

- Wow, those mostly naked dancers don't leave a lot to the imagination, do they?

- Pet Shop Boys didn't need Brandon Flowers and Lady GaGa.

- So that's it, done. Elbow had the best moment with the Hoff, Take That were the best performers and Duff(y) was a travesty.

A finally message to a friend on Twitter: "Twittering was the only way of coping with the awfulness." See my Twitter page here.

Live tweeting the Brits - a short-notice announcement

Twitter is by no means the saviour of the world, but it's a good excuse to send some 140-character bitchin' into the atmosphere.

I will be 'live tweeting' the 2009 Brit Awards, which should mean about a dozen pious comments over the two hour show, from 8pm tonight.

Yes, I know it's short notice, but I really wasn't expecting to get a night in to do this. Go, Johnny, go go go go to my Twitter feed this instant.

Edit: all my Twitter feeds can be found on this very blog post here.