Guest post: Crimes against crimes against keyboards

I asked you for your nominations for the worst crimes committed against dance music, from which I picked a random winner. Jon Mann gets a bunch of mp3s and this guest post on Fat Roland On Electronica...

I would like to nominate The Black Eyed Peas –….I don’t actually know the name of the track although I should probably find out what it’s called before I start. You probably know the one I’m on about already, something about a good day. It’s probably called ‘a good day’.

It’s called ‘I got a feeling’ and it’s good night not day.

O.K so I can’t say that I’ve ever sat down to listen to it but I don’t need to, it was so popular when it was released that it became part of the wallpaper that belonged to time and place. That time and place, that thankfully is now behind us.

The production is actually not that offensive, it’s a poppy, upbeat, forgettable dance track. The most compelling evidence against it is in its lyrics. I might as well have not written anything here other than the lyrics.

Here is a sample which I will now cut and paste from somewhere on interwebs.

“go out and smash it
let go o' my guard
Jump off that sofa
Let’s get get up”

I’m suddenly impressed at just how throwaway and thoughtless these lyrics really are.

“I feel stressed out
I wanna let it go
Lets go way out spaced out
and losing all control”

That’s enough of that. To counteract any harmful side effects here are a few lines from Etchogon-S by Autechre

“…//.-*

/,.’];--

/’;[;[;

===*”

Better?

My point, if there is one, is that despite the song’s protagonist repeatedly claiming to have ‘the feeling’ the song itself is devoid of ‘the feeling’. Its only purpose is to fill a bit of space somewhere for a few minutes. Actually listening to this sort of stuff is a bit like going on a diet where you eat nothing but tile grout. 

Will.i.am is very keen on his band having the right image, I read an interview with him in the Metro and he said so himself. This, I imagine is what prompted him to stop making vaguely listenable hip hop and get a sexy female singer that can piss herself at will while on stage. [Citation needed]

Dance music, electronic music are famously places where the anonymous artist can thrive, knocking out bass odysseys from a sweaty bedsit in Hackney, only emerging at night for skins and cigs from the all night garage. This is where the real shit is at. I’m not against artists having big personalities at all but for everyone’s sake please try to keep the music real and please keep the drums raw.

I suppose ‘I got a feeling’ wasn’t really designed for me. You could say ‘but it’s ok for the feeble minded to shake their limbs at’. Well yes, but we all have to suffer though don’t we? Something really needs to be done about this.

Basically we just need to play more Aphex.

Everyone, now.

This guest post was written by Jon Mann.

Crimes Against Keyboards: the winner

Roll out the Bunty magazines and spank your carpets until they're dust-free. We have a winner, ladies and gentlemen.

Jon Mann has won the Crimes Against Keyboards competition. He bags himself Bleep.com's top 100 tracks of 2010, which probably means he'll need to build new shelves in his mp3 player to take all the extra weight.

Some fine people didn't win, including Compound Ear who used my logo and said really nice things about my blog and refers to his chosen dance music nemesis as an "aural holocaust". But I'm happy Jon won because I like his rant too. It will appear later today as guest post on Fat Roland On Electronica.

Jon, who describes himself as 29-years-old and an Aquarius (I'm *so* turning this blog into a dating site) says:

"Just really happy to be the lucky one who got selected for the prize. Just dropping it into itunes now :-)

"I've picked up a couple of these tracks over the course of the year but I'm really looking forward to hearing something good that passed me by in 2010."

Meanwhile, Bleep's top 100 is available on their site until February 10th. I know you can probably stream or steal a bunch of brilliant tunes from last year, but downloading this lot at 30 pence a track is a pretty impressive one-hit way of downloading the state of dance music today. Like Keanu downloading martial arts in Something's Gotta Give (editor's note: check this is the right film).

And no, I wasn't paid to say that. Long-time readers of this site know I'm a sucker MC for all things Warp-related.

Watch this space for Jon's winning entry and proof that people who, shock horror, don't have a blog can write blog posts too.

You have 23 hours left in which to win 100 mp3s

The deadline for my Crimes Against Keyboards mp3 competition is tomorrow (Monday) at noon. If you haven't entered already, here's what you need to do:

- Decide on dance music's worst moment. It could be an awful band, a novelty hit, an established artist getting it horribly wrong, or a wider trend towards crapdom.

- Write about it. Either blog it or email something to dj at fatroland.com. A couple of paragraphs will do, but longer rants are welcome too.

- One entrant will be randomly chosen as the winner. The prize will be bleep.com's top 100 tracks of 2010, worth thirty quid or thirty-five euros or fifty bucks. You'll get a voucher code which I have secretly snuggled in my nappy.

It really is that easy.

FAQs

Here is a frequently-asked question list for those not yet swayed to enter.

Q. What is an mp3?

A. It stands for music plop-plop-plop, which is the sound mp3s make when they load into the mini record players contained within white i-pod headphones.

Q. Is Justin Biebpipe in the list of 100 tracks included in the prize?

A. Technically no. Although you can re-create the Biebpipe magic by riding a skateboard as you listen. Why not fashion your hair into a bouffanted cowpat? And remember to brush your teeth for that winning Justin smile as you utter the words, "yeah, I'm the white-boy Usher, so what?"

Q. Can I listen to these songs on the train?

A. Many express services have special listening points, in which you plug your CD player into a bucket of cold sandwiches congealed with fake cheese, leaked Stella and the sweat - and other bodily fluids - of a thousand pimply buffet car assistants.

Q. What if I don't like the music?

A. I've done a survey of my teddy bears and 280% of them liked 104% of the tracks. 28% of them also would vote Conservative, but that's neither here nor there. I'm constantly barraged with people asking for recommendations of the latest hippety-grunge popstep disco classics. There's no better way to super-charge your ears with the high-fat cream of the current crop than getting your hairy mitts on Bleep's top 100. I'm a genuine fan of the site and that's why I'm doing this competition.

Q. Why can't think of any bad dance music?

A. You have no ears. And no brain. Just write. You may surprise yourself. And if you don't do this, the Venga Boys have won.

Crimes Against Keyboards: win Bleep.com's top 100 tracks of 2010

There's a moment in the middle of Eiffel 65's Blue (Da Ba Dee) when you realise all of dance music, from Detroit to Sheffield, from EBM to IDM, has led to this: a bunch of smurfoids that look like they've been CGIed by a blind horse.

Which makes me think: there's a competition in this.

There have been many crimes committed against electronic music over the years. All you need to do is write about the worst moment in dance music, and next week I'll pull an entrant out of my disco hat. That winner will get Bleep.com's top 100 tracks of 2010, worth £30, plus a priceless mention on my blog when I announce the result.

What do you write about?

It could be a sin by your favourite synth god* or the most disastrous diversion in dance music**. And yes, I do mean dance music however you interpret it, from Basshunter to Brian Eno, from the Chemical Brothers to Chromeo, from Aphex Twin to Adamski.

How do you write it?

Post it on your blog. Or if you don't have a blog, email your text to me directly: dj at fatroland.com. Between 50 and 500 words will do. All I ask is your arguments are convincing (even if only in an ironic way) and are non-libellous.

Will I read it?

Yes, every entry. To ensure your entry gets noticed, include "Crimes Against Keyboards" in your title line or near the start of your text. Feel free to publish the above graphic. And if blogging, pop a link into the comments section below this post.

How long have I got?

The closing date is noon on Monday, January 24th 2010. Blog posts or emails after that time will not be considered. No, Facebook is not a 'blog'. Don't post your rant in the comments below this post: that would just be annoying. One entry per person. Usual sensible competition rules apply.

In summary:

- write about the worst moment(s) in dance music;

- blog it, including a link in the comments below this post. Or email it (dj at fatroland).

- after noon on Monday 24th Jan, a random winner will get Bleep's top 100 tracks as a Bleep.com download code.

Oh and thank you to the lovely people at Bleep for proffering such a wonderful prize.

* For example, I always felt Orbital's The Saint seemed like a desperate grab for commercial success - the same feeling I get with Magnetic Man's I Need Air.

** For example, the whole of breakcore, Scooter, or that dubstep moment in Britney's new single.