On the day that the Brit Awards come to the Co-op Live in Manchester, here are my hot Brit tips. For each category, I have chosen who I think will win. I was passing the venue last night and a gang of the Brits production crew got on the tram. One of them was impressively beardy and very London. Anyway, I shouted this entire blog post at them until they crawled out of the windows to escape.
Album of the Year: Dave – The Boy Who Played Harp
I’ve not really listened to Dave since his Psychodrama album. I enjoyed that one, with its introspection and all that. Can he win Album of the Year again? I reckon he can, as long as the title of this album lives up to its promise and it’s one hour of Dave playing a harp. Like a proper big one you’ve got to straddle. If any other instruments are involved, I’m not interested.
Artist of the Year: PinkPanthress
I wanted to choose Self Esteem for this one, or Little Simz. But Ms Panthress sampled Underworld for her track Illegal, and that earns her a life membership to Fat Roland’s List Of People That I Think Are Alright. In fact, if anyone ever samples anything from Underworld’s 1994 album Dubnobasswithmyheadman, they should automatically win 12 Brit awards.
Song of the Year: Fred again.., Skepta, PlaqueBoyMax – Victory Lap
I’m not that inspired by the tracks in this category. Lola Young’s Messy was fun, and I liked that one song Raye did a while ago. Skepta’s a great match for Fred again, though, going together like cheese on toast, or beans on toast, or trifle on toast. The track was used on EA Sports FC 26, which I think is a video game of footballers eating fried chicken.
Group of the Year: Sleep Token
In an era of solo stars, is this category even relevant? I nearly went for Pulp. Nearly. But I would love Sleep Token to win this. It would create a seismic wave, like the solar flare in the movie 2012 or like the Greens in Gorton & Denton. Of course, if a metal or metal-adjacent act wins this category, it would be a bitter blow for this electronic music blog, and I reserve the right to whinge about it for the next 12 months.
Breakthrough Artist: Barry Can't Swim
This is a pretty strong category. I've chosen Barry Can't Swim for two reasons. One: he's great. Two: his name contains an apostrophe. This would be the first Brits win for an apostrophe-containing act since Rag 'n' Bone Man, who inexplicably won Best Song for Human in 2018. Yes, we've had Beyoncé with her acute accent and confident comma use from Tyler, The Creator. But big up Barry Can't Swim, who bossed the apost.
International Artist of the Year: Bad Bunny
I can't give two hoots about Bad Bunny's music. Not my cup of tea or, to give it a Latino twist, not my cup of té de hierbas. However, his performance at that big American sports thing was legendary. Even Cardi B turned up, and you know it's a party when Cardi B turns up. The Maga petrol-snorters lost their minds, crooning about jingoism and fishing - it was meant to be wholesome, but you can't spell 'wholesome' without 'ole!'.
International Song of the Year: Taylor Swift – The Fate of Ophelia
Really, Swift is a placeholder here. The song is fine, but just fine. Better than some of the others. However, if Alex Warren wins with his global megahit Ordinary, I will saw off both of my ears with my snapped copy of his CD single. And if you think that metaphor is weird, check his lyrics: “I'm on the edge of your knife, stayin' drunk on your vine.” What?! If this wins, I’m moving to Mars. No. Uranus. I'm moving to Uranus because it's funnier.
International Group of the Year: Geese
It’s not easy being a group. Cramped tour buses, endless rehearsals, and there’s always an ego in the gang. That’s why I’m backing Geese to win. No disrespect to the human nominees, but if a gaggle of geese bag this award, I’d be stoked. Imagine the podium speech: honking like a feathered berk, beaking canapes out of people’s fat hands. Brilliant.
Alternative/Rock Act: Wet Leg
Is rock still a thing? I thought we’d killed it off with dubstep or when Oasis stopped. I’ve chosen Wet Leg because (a) I like that song they did ages ago about a futon or a pouffe or whatever it was, and (b) I got puddle-splashed by a car the other day, soaked from head to toe the absolute gits, and I spent much of the morning with an actual wet leg.
Hip Hop/Grime/Rap Act: Little Simz
Hmmm. She’s won before, so this might be what the modern internet youth call a ‘bad take’. But I think Simz is still critically acclaimed, and I can’t see why she can’t bag another Brit. It’s a strong category, though: she’s up against Vanilla Ice, Kid ‘n’ Play and PJ & Duncan. (I may need to update my notes.)
Dance Act: Sammy Virji
If I had told 1990s Fat Roland that UK Garage would be dominating the charts in the 2020s, I would have thrown me out of the house. What was I even doing in my house anyway? Get out of my house, me. Anyway, doff of the hat to Virji and the rest of the UKG lot for constantly reinventing a once-underground movement. Wait. This is meant to be a silly blog post. Erm… poo bum willy.
Pop Act: Raye
You'd like me to be silly about Raye's name, wouldn't you. Oh look, he's talking about a stingray or a ray of sunshine, how funny. Oh look, he's comedically mistaken her for a bricklayer called Ray, oh ha ha. I'm not your performing monkey. Anyway, Raye swept the board at the 2024 Brits and I haven't really listened to her since then, so maybe she should win everything again, I dunno.
R&B Act: Sault
Sault are probably the most successful household seasoning alongside Salt from Salt-N-Pepa and Pepa from Salt-N-Pepa. Here's a fact for you: Sault have released as many studio albums as Robbie Williams. Do what you will with that fact; maybe bring it up at a family meal or when you're visiting your cousin in prison. Anyway, Sault are due a Brits win, and the fact they eschew the limelight would make that win even more hilarious.
Critics’ Choice
This has already been awarded to Jacob Alon (pictured above, photo credit James Klug/Getty Images), so there's no point in writing about it. Here's some hold music instead. Dum-de-dum dingy dah doo-doo dah tingle ingle dum-de-dum. Boing boing. Whaaaaang. Tssst tsst tssst tsst doo-be-doo clunk. Actually, this is a brilliant tune. I hope I win a Brit Award for it.
Further Fats: Brits 2010 – a prejudiced review from someone who doesn't give a damn (2010)
