Dec 20, 2009

Live blog: Rage Against The Machine versus a small boy with white teeth

It's the chart battle everyone's talking about. Simon Cowell thinks it's stupid. 7Digital reckon X Factor's Joe McFlurry won't get to number one. So I've settled down in front of a warm radio to being you a live blog of the chart result as it happens.

6.31pm: Someone is on the wireless comparing RATM to David and Joe McDonalds to Goliath. This can't be right?

6.35pm: "Don't stop thinking about tomorrow," says the stupid charity single that Peter Kay did. This is at number four, just ahead of 3OH!3 and their annoying shouty song Starstrukk with pretend lesbian Katy Perry. Already, with three more hits to go, I feel like ending it all and forgetting about tomorrow forever.

6.37pm: This supposed 'medley' (for that, read 'malady') is going on forever. At least we know RATM and Joe McCavity are in the top three...

6.40pm: So then who is number three? The insipid presenter fellow has just read out a text saying Killing In The Name is "just noise". Surely that's what music is? It's not something you can taste, is it? Right then, they've finally got to number three in the UK singles chart. Oh no! It's Lady Gaga and her "rah rah rasputin" nonsense! You've got to love her videos, though.

6.43pm: I'm quite excited by this. In a year in which Twitter has defined as well as followed the news, it's a real moment for the internet. I bought Rage Against The Machine's Killing In The Name first time round, and it's as good as anything to stick one in the eye of the annual X Factor Christmas number one stitch up.

6.45pm: Radio One is playing a recap of the whole Joe McElderberry versus RATM battle, Rocky-style. They'll no doubt recap the chart so far. Any moment now; just minutes to go.

6.46pm: Rage Against The Machine sold 100,000 downloads just yesterday. I'm feeling quietly confident.

6.47pm: And the number two single and runner-up is...

6.47pm: JOE McCRAPPYPANTS! Ha ha ha ha ha!

6.49pm: Simon Cowell, the internet has spoken. Please hand your King Of Slush card into security on the way out. This is amazing news - I just hope Scott Mills remembers to play the censored verson in a few minutes (unlike the embarrassed Simon Mayo (I think) on the chart show back in 1990).

"Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes you're going to have to lose."

Joe McElderry, 2009
6.56pm: The largest first-week digital sales ever (does that count for an old track?) and the most downloads ever sold for a Christmas number one single. Well done, chaps. Zack de la RATM says "when young people decide to take action, they can make the seemingly impossible possible." Bless, he just called me young!

6.58pm: Those who downloaded are justified for wearing the badge saying "screw you, X Factor, your time is up". I'm not quite sure if those adapted lyrics would scan, but you get the idea. And it's also quite a while where we've had a number one where there's a man going "UH!" all over the place.

Hurrah! 'Night all.

2 comments:

Dave Hartley said...

i think Jingle Bells is going to number one.

Fat Roland said...

I'd prefer something more seasonal, like N-Dubz.