The recent heat has done something funny to me. It felt like a hot spoon scooping out my brain. It left me feeling like a cartoon character that's just been exploded by TNT, leaving only a pair of smoking boots.
The other day in Manchester, my home city, it was 900 degrees. Or something like that: I was too cooked to focus on the numbers. I went for a walk and the sun was so unbearable, I had to dive into the shade. Everyone looks suspicious diving suddenly behind a hedge. I got looks.
It was hotter than a quartermaster's whelk. It was hotter than a jelly salesman's foghorn. It was hotter than a rampant barrister's whittling knife. It was hotter than a dog-whisperer's door handle cabinet. It was hotter than a confectioner's wardrobe on a Hungarian spaceship. It was hotter than a cheese bridge for dogs over a trench full of grandfather clocks. It was hotter than the year 1437 mauled in a bear trap by Robot Phillip Schofield.
Those hotter-than comparisons were swiped from my previous tweets, by the way. I'd like to thank past-tweeting me for being an imaginative and nonsensical idiot.
I think the sun is great, and even though horoscopes are hogwash, I do feel a connection with my star sign Leo. It's a fire sign that's ruled by the sun, which sounds really summery even though I have no idea what that means.
I'm also quite fond of sun songs. For example, Orbital's The Girl With The Sun In Her Head, Caribou's Sun or The Beloved's The Sun Rising. They're so much better than, say, Engelbert Humperdinck's Winter World Of Love, the Glee Cast's version of Ice Ice Baby, and the Red Hot Chili Peppers' Snow (Hey Oh). Is that last one real? Yeesh.
The problem is that I'm not very good with heat. I'd like all the benefits of summer weather but without the high temperatures. It would be nice if the sun was cold and fire felt like ice pops. All the colour and brightness without the sweat. That's not too much to ask, is it?
I'm grateful rave culture based itself around Ibiza and not Nunavut, but there's a balance to be struck. Next time we have a heatwave, please let's have a cold one. Thanks.