Here is another episode of Ultimate 1990s Number One. In each edition of this long-running blog series, I pick a bunch of number one singles from the 1990s UK singles chart. I pit them against each other, guided by two unclear and slightly unhelpful criteria, namely:
1. Is this song a banger?
2. Is this song bleepy, i.e. an electronic music track.
Once have have gone through all of the 1990s number ones, there will be a grand final. Probably.
The contenders
Aqua: Doctor Jones | The Bluebells: Young at Heart | Fugees: Ready or Not | Hale and Pace and the Stonkers: The Stonk | The Outhere Brothers: Don't Stop (Wiggle Wiggle) | Queen: Innuendo | R. Kelly: I Believe I Can Fly | Robson & Jerome: I Believe / Up on the Roof | Robson & Jerome: What Becomes of the Brokenhearted / Saturday Night at the Movies / You'll Never Walk Alone | Run-DMC vs. Jason Nevins: It's Like That | Take That: How Deep Is Your Love
Let's not stonk
As with previous listings, I am more than happy to discard some contenders immediately.
Young At Heart by The Bluebells is a beige-dotted line painted down the middle of a road to nowhere. Its 1993 chart-topping rerelease was for a Volkswagen Golf advert, which is about right. A mid song for a mid car. Bananarama's Northern Soul-inspired original is way better.
"Let's stonk to the rhythm of the honky tonk," sang Hale & Pace. "Stick a red nose on your conk and let's stonk." No. I don't want to stick anything on my conk, or on my donk, or my badonkadonk. Thanks anyway Gareth and Bertrand, or whatever your names were.
I don't know if it's because I walked under a ladder or I saw 13 black cats pretending to be a magpie, but for some reason this latest random selection of hit singles has given me two Robson & Jerome singles. I reject your weedy krap-aoke.
I'm also discarding R Kelly into a pit of fire that is on a spaceship that is crashing into the heart of the sun while the universe explodes and all of time and space vortexes in on itself causing every shred of reality to cease to exist until all we are left with is an eternal silence unto infinity in which we can hear precisely zero R Kelly songs.
Doctor who?
The next few tunes are all bangers in their own right, but not bleepy enough to progress in this competition.
If I want medical drama, I'll watch Casualty or House. In fact, Aqua's Doctor Jones barely had any medical content. A bog standard love song, dressed up as a pretty decent pop tune. Very 90s, very bouncy, and the first clue we had that Aqua were going to be more than a plastic-coated one-hit wonder.
The BeeGees' version of How Deep Is Your Love failed to top the charts: it was eclipsed by the tartan juggernaut that was Mull Of Kintyre. Take That's somewhat supine version did achieve number one status, and it was their final swansong before their 90s split. It's what I would describe as a proper pop tune, like a Volvo is a proper car or cheddar is proper cheese.
Hi Freddie, can you please give us a single that is somewhere between Bohemian Rhapsody, Faith No More, prog rock and Spanish flamenco? Queen's final chart-topper before Mercury's death was a banger and then some. Although you wouldn't think it, the song contains a notable use of a Korg M1 synthesiser. What it's named after a motorway, I have no idea.
Pass the toilet paper
At this point in my Ultimate 90s write-ups, I'm left with a handful of bleepy tunes. Tracks with electronic music credentials. I'm not convinced that these final three tracks fit the bleepy bill. Let's see,
It sampled Enya. It made Lauren Hill cry. It was Barack Obama's favourite song. Ready Or Not is a classic that humanised hip hop music, and felt like a much deeper dive than the Fugees' other number one Killing Me Softly. Its chorus also makes the childhood game of hide and seek sound as sinister as heck. "Ready or not, here I come." "Aaaaaaargh!"
In contrast, The Outhere Brothers' Don't Stop (Wiggle Wiggle) is silly. Super silly. As silly as a silly string portrait of Mr Silly on holiday in the Isle of Scilly. The two Outhere singles released before this are titled Pass The Toilet Paper and F*k U In The Ass. Grubby stuff.
And finally, we have those chain-dangling trilby-topped rappers Run-DMC. It's Like That is an old hit of theirs rereleased by house Jason Nevins for boomboxin' breakdancin' cool kids. It's perhaps most notable to stopping the Spice Girls' chart dominance by stopping Stop from clogging up the top spot.
In conclusion? Nothing from this track selection is bleepy / banging enough to go through to the next round of this competition. Yet again, an Ultimate 90s blog post has amounted to nothing. I would be disappointed, if I were you, reader. I'd demand your money back. What a swizz.
The series continues. Not long until the grand final! See more Ultimate 90s number ones
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