Mar 25, 2005

Overheard conversation... #2

Irritated woman manhandling rucksack off bus, man walking behind being generally unhelpful.

Woman: "No, you don't understand, it's not a dating holiday, it's a singles holiday."

Someone revoke her passport, pleeease.

Mar 20, 2005


Goddess goddess goddess goddess goddess goddess goddess goddess goddess goddess goddess goddess goddess click click click click click click click click click click click.

The best spoof fan site I ever did see. I even left a message in the guest book. See if you can find it!

Mar 17, 2005

A tribute to my dead phone

So. Farewell then
Nokia 3310
In charcoal grey.

I remember when
Everyone had one
Back in

The day.

"One Key Calling"
"Closed User Group"
"Voice Dial"

Such features
I never


E J Fats (92)

Mar 13, 2005

William, it was really nothing (well about 30 seconds)

Ah the joys of butter sandwiches, of felt felt and of the web that is as wide as the world.

I was as excited as a Christmas tree when top revolutionary punk rockers The Others sent me a link to their new video, 'William'.

Imagine my delight as my computer jumped to a splash page complete with an audio loop ... which plays and plays and plays and doesn't stop when you load up the video proper. I shouldn't have to press mute, that's the web page's job. It should mute. The Realplayer should load and the page should mute.

Just picture my contortions of spasmodic happiness as, with the main page muted, the video loaded a collossal 30-second clip. Not much longer than the annoying loop I had already endured.

So now I am disappointed with The Others. In the true spirit of the band's name, here are some "other" websites (geddit?!?!?) that might be worth bothering with instead:

1) Check out Performance here (click on the Features link). Apparently the lead singer keeps blanking my friend Bex. I'm sure it's not intentional, but until he is proven innocent, he is indeed a total twap.

2) Laugh at two terrible racial stereotypes shouting at each other. Japanese shop assistant: "Talka to da haaand!" Black kid: "I'm gonna blow this motherfucker up if I don't get my motherfucking change!" As uncomfortable as The Office. Come back, Willis, all is forgiven.

3) A Year Of Living Generously is an inspirational idea... so why is the 'Generous actions underway now' column completely empty? I'm going to be generous this week, just to make up for it.

Mar 10, 2005

Chiquita safetyadvil law biology: spam as poetry

One of the idiosyncrasies of spam e-mails is they often end with a very entertaining list of random things.

I got an e-mail today trying to sell me Xanex. I was more interested in the entirely unconnected life advice at the bottom of the message. I have cleaned up the punctuation. Heed this:

"There are 10 types of people: those who know binary and those who don't."

"Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do."

"Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand."

"A bus station is where a bus stops."
And wait for it... "A trah station is where a trag stops. On my desk I have a work station." Geddit?!?!? What is a trah, anyhoo?

Another e-mail pushing Viagra had this fabulous list of words. I re-print it here exactly as it originally appeared. This is poetry:

"chiquita safetyadvil law biology
japan dougbfi future misha nimrod niki minou
play velvet arizona
electric dollarsjoanna h2opolo happyday
bigman bfi volley
abby mimisuzuki corrado denali

amelie bootsgoblue chance japan metallic clipper rock"

The Xanex is arriving by pigeon, and I'm collecting petrol vouchers for the Viagra. Oh happyday! It's enough to make my bootsgoblue.

Mar 9, 2005

Formula One Losers League

I know I keep mentioning my Formula One Losers League to people I meet, but you really should give it a go.

It's like a fantasy league, except (a) you're not juggling a $60,000 budget; you're just ticking boxes to pick your team and (b) you actually have to create the worst team you can in order to do well in the League. It's a Losers League, see?

You don't have to be good at F1 to have a go. In fact, it helps to be bad. Very bad.

All you need is an internet connection and £5.

Go, go, go...

Mar 5, 2005

Cord thanks blah love you blah lovey darling

Twas a decent night at Cord. A little cold, but considering the whole thing was organised within a week, it was a triumph.

Thanks to Mike Fallows, graphic design genius in residence at Sometimes Records, and to Stephen Devine. Both impressed more than a break-dancing Thora Hird.

Fil and Kol did a really good job with the visuals, even if Kol said there was 'something missing' and Fil didn't get his Highly Technologistic Gizmo working. Something must have gone right, because I took this photograph (below).

And thanks to Ben and all of Sanctus1 for supporting the event. You are my truffles, my only truffles, you make me happy when pies are grey.

Mar 4, 2005

Overheard conversation...

... at a bus station:

Woman on mobile phone: "Hold on, I'll just ask." Turns to man next to her. "What do feminists do?"

Man (a bit nonchalant): "Burn bras. Hate men..." He pauses to think. "Lesbians." he adds.

Woman into mobile: "We could do the men hating thing." At which point she says bye and gets on a bus.

I blame Germaine Greer.