Is it wrong to be so entertained by a current number one single?

I'm too old for this sort of shizzle, surely? Armand Van Helden has done for Dizzy Raaaaaahscuw what he did for Tori Amos in 1996 and, um, Ace Of Bass in 1994.

Dizzee and Armand's latest single Bonkers held its place at the UK number one spot on Sunday, and it has some severly techno moments. It's the old rule of more equals more.

- Listen to Dizzee Rascal and Armand Van Helden's Bonkers.

Some lists containing rhyming Autechre, Orbital in colour, and the entire history of dance music

I've been rather busy in a studio making up stupid jingles and idents for a series of radio programmes, so my post today will be a little half-hearted, pathetic and, quite frankly, lukewarm enough to make you vomit.

Which is a shame, because I want to tell you about a really good gig by an electronic musician who seemed constantly surprised by his own sound.  Maybe I'll write about that later in the week.

So for now, here is the standard blog fall-back. Lists.

Five Autechre tracks that don't quite rhyme:

1. Gnit

2. Glitch

3. Slip

4. Krib

5. Theme Of Sudden Roundabout

The entire history of dance music traced through five significant number one hits:

1. Donna Summer - I Feel Love

2. Steve 'Silk' Hurley - Jack Your Body

3. Black Box - Ride On Time

4. Livin' Joy - Dreamer

5. Crazy Frog - Axel F

The most played artists on my Last FM page, including one imposter:

1. Autechre

2. µ-Ziq (artwork pictured)

3. Bonnie Tyler

4. Plaid

5. Bola

The biggest Roland songs in UK chart history:

David Whitfield With The Roland Shaw Orchestra - Adoration Waltz (#9 in 1957)

Roland Rat Superstar - Rat Rapping (#14 in 1983)

Armand Van Helden featuring Roland Clark - Flowerz (#18 in 1999)

Roland Rat Superstar - Love Me Tender (#32 in 1984) ... does anyone actually remember this?

Honorary mention goes to: Grange Hill Cast - Just Say No (#5 in 1986)


What Orbital's albums would have been called if they had continued the colour theme:

1. The Green Album

2. The Brown Album.

3. The Grey Album

4. The Blue-ish Album

5. The Blue And Black Album (original soundtrack)

6. The White Album

7. The Black Album

8. The Brown Album (greatest hits)

9. The Black Album (original soundtrack)
10. The Blue Album

11. The White Album (USA greatest hits)

12. The White-ish Album (live at Glastonbury)

Store Street blues: waddling with the scrotes, the clubbers and the tokers

I'm trotting under a brick-clad bridge down what feels like a road to oblivion when a wiry scroat of a man asks me for money.
Or rather, he asks me for the time. Then money.
I put on my skint face, apologise and walk on. He summons all his fury and describes what he's going to to with my skull if I don't cough up cash.
With a dark but open street ahead, I hurry on to safety with his threats ringing off the brickwork behind me.
Store Street has never been my favourite road in Manchester. I have to make it safe somehow.
If only I'd had The Tattooed Bouncer with me. He was a vicious looking gentleman with ink all over his head, and he impressed me once at a Plaid gig by dragging a casual drug toker out of the Music Box by his throat.
When I say 'impressed', I mean 'terrified'.
But sadly he has died, a claim the deceased bouncer has since owned up to according to local news reports. Fat use for next time I waddle down Store Street.
Here's another idea for making Store Street safe. When there's thrills and pills in abundance, you don't get threats of violence, so maybe someone would be kind enough to convert the street into a clubber's paradise.
Maybe, just maybe, we could bribe some of the great names to spin some plastic mp3s: Armand Van Helden, Layo & Bushwacka!, Dave Clarke, High Contrast, Jeff Mills, Aphex Twin.
I'm free this weekend, so it could run from then until, say, New Year's Eve. It's a crazy idea, and it will never happen. Hold on, the phone's ringing...
...yes? Store Street, yes. Behind Piccadilly train station.... they're doing what? The Warehouse what?
It seems my Store Street blues are over for a while. Maybe now I could walk arm in arm / headlock with the Deceased Bouncer, with scroats fleeing in the other direction down my brick-clad road to oblivion.
Thank you, Warehouse Project: you are about to make the city a more magical place.