Dance music has far better lyrics than Liam Gallagher and John Squire

'Just Another Rainbow' is the new song by Liam Gallagher and John Squire. A meeting of musical minds that has Oasis and Stone Roses fans drinking celebratory lager from their bucket hats.

The single is predictable enough. I won't link to the actual song here, in the same way I wouldn't show you a photograph of a turd I'd found in a nearby alleyway. But I can tell you Gallagher sounds like a donkey on a torture rack, while Squire is so unmemorable, I've already forgotten what instrument he plays. Balalaika? Kazoo?

What I wasn't prepared for was how bad the lyrics would be. I wasn't expecting Oscar Wilde, but the lyrics are so banal, I thought the Oxford English Dictionary had glitched and all the good words had fallen out. Here are the main offenders:

"Just another rainbow dripping on my tree."

"Red and orange, yellow and green. blue, indigo, violet. We've crossed a line."

"Just another rainbow paying the bills. Am I your windmill?"

One thing can be certain is that the boys have never seen a rainbow. A rainbow has never offered financial support for my household amenities, never mind been used as a wind-powered turbine. At least they got the colours right, although a true 'bow connoisseur would include infrared and ultraviolet.

This is why dance music is much better than this turgid indie pop. Dance music has a history of innovative lyrics that really speak to the human condition. Its music makers put thought in the message they want to purvey. It is music for intelligent people.

I'm almost reluctant to do this, because I don't want to shame Liam and John. But here are list of the most insightful dance music lyrics of all time. Next time, lads, put your guitars down and don your raving gloves. You may learn a thing or two.,,

Black Box: Everybody Everybody – "(Everybody, everybody, everybody, everybody) Oh, everybody (Everybody, everybody, everybody, everybody) Everybody, oh everybody. (Everybody, everybody, everybody, everybody) Everybody."

DJ Snake: Get Low – "Get low, get get get low, get low, get get get low, get low, get get get low, get low, get get get low, get low, get get get low, get low, get get get low, get low, get get get low, get low, get get get low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low."

Fatboy Slim: The Rockafeller Skank – "Bout, 'bout, 'bout, 'bout, 'bout, 'bout, 'bout, 'bout, funk, funk, funk, funk, funk, funk, bro, bro, bro, bro, bro." 

Roni Size: Brown Paper Bag – "Step step step step step step step step step step, p-p-paper paper paper paper paper, mmmmmmmmmmmm."

Duck Sauce: Barbra Streisand – "Oo-oo who-oo-oo whooo-oo oo-oo, oo-oo who-oo-oo whooo-oo oo-oo, oo-oo who-oo-oo whooo-oo, Barbra Streisand."

No wait, hold on. These are way to repetitive. I need something more insightful. Lyrics with real thought. Proper deep thinking as if they were written by Albert Einstein or Lorraine Kelly or something. Right. Here we go...

Prodigy: Memphis Belles – "Lick it once, lick it twice, c'mon, put that sh*t on ice."

Calvin Harris: The Girls – "I like them black girls, I like them white girls, I like them Asian girls, I like them mixed-race girls [etc etc etc]"

Scooter: Friends Turbo – "Can you tell me, how do I get off the bus?"

Ye gods, who ARE these monsters? This is going horribly wrong. Excuse me while I dig into my Warp Records collection. There must be something intelligent in those old purple twelve-inches. Intelligent techno and all that. Ah, here we are...

LFO: LFO – "LFO."

Tricky Disco: Tricky Disco – "Tricky disco."

I give up.

Pictured: A hyperfuturistic digital 3D rendering of Liam Gallagher

Further Fats: Guest post – Crimes against crimes against keyboards (2011)

Further Fats: There is one John Cage joke and it is this (2021)

Top 50 electronic music albums of 2022: everything in one list

Here's my countdown of the best electronic music albums of 2022.

Here the introduction to my countdown, which sets out my parameters.

And for those of you without thumbs and are therefore unable to scroll, here's it all again as a dry, lifeless, boring old list. No links*, no nothing, just words. Horrible, horrible words.

*Update: I've now added links, so jab away.

Number 1 album of the year:

Real Lies: Lad Ash (Unreal)

The rest of the top 10:

Björk: Fossora (One Little Independent)

Brainwaltzera: ITSAME (FILM) 

Hudson Mohawke: Cry Sugar (Warp)

Lynyn: Lexicon (Sooper)

Mall Grab: What I Breathe (Looking For Trouble)

Max Cooper: Unspoken Words (Mesh)

Mu-Ziq: Hello (Planet Mu) + Mu-Ziq: Magic Pony Ride (Planet Mu)

O'Flynn and Frazer Ray: Shimmer (Technicolour)

Plaid: Feorm Falorx (Warp)

The rest of the top 20:

Bot1500: Surreal (Lith Dolina)

Daphni: Cherry (Jiaolong)

DJ Travella: Mr Mixondo (Nyege Nyege Tapes)

Elektro Guzzi: Triangle (Palazzo Recordings)

Luke Vibert: GRIT (Hypercolour)

Model Home: Saturn In The Basement (Disciples) 

Moderat: More D4ta (Monkeytown)

Shelley Parker: Wisteria (Hypercolour)

T-Flex: No Comment (DINAMPLATZ)

Working Men’s Club: Fear Fear (Heavenly)

The rest of the top 50:

96 Back: Cute Melody, Window Down! (96 Music)

Ani Klang: Ani Klang (New Scenery)

Biosphere: Shortwave Memories (Biophon)

Bogdan Raczynski: ADDLE (Planet Mu)

Bonobo: Fragments (Ninja Tune)

Civilistjävel!: Järnnätter (FELT)

Clark: 05-10 (Warp)

Daniel Avery: Ultra Truth (Phantasy Sound)

Deepchord: Functional Designs (Soma Records)

Frantzvaag: Solo Super (Fuck Reality)

Gabe Gurnsey: Diablo (Phantasy Sound)

Galcher Lustwerk: 100% GALCHER (Ghostly International)

Jared Wilson: From A Different Time (Altered Sense)

John Tejada: Sleepwalker (Palette Recordings) 

Kelly Lee Owens: LP.8 (Smalltown Supersound)

Kuedo: Infinite Window (Brainfeeder)

Maxime Denuc: Nachthorn (Vlek)

Noda & Wolfers: Tascam Space Season (L.I.E.S.)

Pye Corner Audio: Social Dissonance (Sonic Cathedral)

Rival Consoles: Now Is (Erased Tapes)

Robert Ames & Ben Corrigan: Carbs (Nomad Music Productions) 

Salamanda: ashbalkum (Human Pitch)

SCALPING: Void (Houndstooth)

Silicon Scally: Field Lines (Central Processing Unit)

T. Gowdy: Miracles (Constellation)

Tangerine Dream: Raum (Kscope)

Warrington-Runcorn New Town Development Plan: Districts, Roads, Open Space (Castles in Space)

Whatever The Weather: Whatever The Weather (Ghostly International) + Loraine James: Building Something Beautiful For Me (Phantom Limb)

Wordcolour: The trees were buzzing, and the grass. (Houndstooth)

Zaliva-D: Misbegotten Ballads (SVBKVLT)

Commended albums:

33: 33-69 (C.A.N.V.A.S.)

3Ddancer: new exciting toys (3Ddancer)

Ailie Ormston and Tim Fraser: It Changes (Bison)

Brassfoot: SWEAT (NCA)

Caterina Barbieri: Spirit Exit (light-years)

Chouk Bwa & The Angströmers: Ayiti Kongo Dub (Les Disques Bongo Joe)

Coby Sey: Conduit (AD 93)

Decius Lias Saoudi: Decius Vol. I (The Leaf Label)

The Ephemeron Loop: Psychonautic Escapism (Heat Crimes)

HiTech: Hitech (FXHE Records)

Kakuhan: Metal Zone (NAKID)

Kemetrix: Here and Now (100 Limousines)

Michael J.Blood x Rat Heart: Nite Mode Vol.1 (BodyTronixxx)

Nosaj Thing: Continua (LuckyMe)

Pacced Rock: Chapter One - Sonic Levitation (Ilian Tape)

Pole: Tempus (Mute)

Rat Heart Ensemble: A Blues (Shotta Tapes)

Richie Culver: I was born by the sea (REIF)

Romance & Dean Hurley: In Every Dream Home A Heartache (Ecstatic)

Soichi Terada: Asakusa Light (Rush Hour)

Stephen Mallinder: tick tick tick (Dais Records)

Ulla: Foam (3XL)

Walton: Maisie By The Sea (Lith Dolina)

Waves: Low Altitude (self-released)

Zombie Zombie: Vae Vobis (Born Bad)

See all the write-ups for Best Electronic Music Albums of 2022.

Best electronic music albums of 2022: an introduction

 

Welcome to the Best Electronic Music Albums of 2022.

2022 was a year which saw poverty go through the roofs no-one can afford, war writ ugly and large across our TV screens, and Twitter implode into a chasm of patriarchal billionaire sludge. The last thing we need is someone waffling about his favourite albums of the year, right?

You're wrong! We need this kind of blather more than ever. My best-of album countdown returns. I'm about to plonk 36 blog posts on your computer / Nokia / abacus screen. Here's what you can expect.

This is a list of my favourite electronic music albums of the year. I will mention 75+ albums, although the list is not complete nor authoritative. I will omit obvious choices, and I will make mistakes. I'm writing this within minutes of the first blog post going online, and it's all pretty much written (a) as live and (b) as a first draft. Expect it to be an absolute cack-pot of steaming gunk, and we can take it from there.

I will present you with the following sexy selections. Within each section, I won't rank each album in order. Gone are the days of sorting these numerically. What's the point: if I was blogging this next week, the whole order would shuffle anyway.

Commended Electronic Music Albums – albums that didn't make my final top 50

Top 50 Electronic Music Albums – what would have otherwise been numbers 50 to 21

Top 20 Electronic Music Albums – what would have otherwise been numbers 20to 11

Top 10 Electronic Music Albums – what would have otherwise been numbers 10 to 2

The number one best electronic music album of 2022

This will be laid out as 36 blog posts publishing between now and 9pm today, then resuming on New Year's Eve starting in the morning and ending at around 6pm. Plenty of time after that for you to get all dressed up for Jool's Hootenanny. Holland loves his glad rags.

It's important that this album countdown doesn't take over my entire life, so I will probably do fewer graphics and slightly shorter write-ups. It was a bit stressful last year. If a review is "written in speech marks, like this", the text is taken from my Electronic Sound magazine review of that album.

This all said, every album on this countdown is something I have properly liked or appreciated in 2022, so it's all pucker and brilliant and thank you in advance for wiping your reading eyes across my hastily written words.

Let's go. See the full countdown progress here.

This is part of a series of the Best Electronic Music Albums of 2022. Read it all here.

Happy new 2021 Fat Roland

Happy 2021, idiots.

Yeah, you heard. I called you an idiot and you can do nothing about it. This is the new me: confident, assertive, dominant, and wearing a special hat that says "I am the best".

In previous years, my new year's resolutions have been pathetic. Staying off Facebook, answering emails more quickly, being nicer to dogs, that sort of thing. Those resolutions are for small-minded losers. The new me, the 2021 me, is going to have a big mind.

Everything is going to be bigger.

Strap in, because these ten 2021 resolutions are so full of confidence, they're going to blow your socks off. You have rubbish socks, by the way. Yeah, you heard.

Resolution 1:
Beat Gary Kasparov at chess

I reckon I can take him. I watched that chess drama with the gaudy wallpaper and I'm an expert at chess now. The castle goes down the edges, the donkey does a sideways jump like it's avoiding an ants' nest, and the tall one just stands at the back and does nothing. Easy. Once I've trounced him at chess, I'm going to destroy him at Ludo.

Resolution 2:
Become a superstar DJ like they had in the 90s

I mean, how hard can it be? Stick a cassette tape on, pretend to move all the knobs, move the vinyl back and forth while saying "wickedy-wah", get on the front cover of Mixmag. I'm going to wear a tie-dye shirt with smiley faces on. The only song I'll play is Doop by Doop.

Resolution 3:
Populate Mars

Pretty simple. Buy a nice house on Mars, preferably near a newsagents and a well-maintained public leisure centre. And then populate the planet by either sexy bonky times or a mass cloning programme. I've not worked out the details: my many offspring can sort that out. I'm sure my logic's pretty solid on this one.

Resolution 4:
Patent a two-tier urinal system

Men! Fed up of queuing for a wee in public toilets? Want to avoid todger-tinkling tailbacks? I will invent a two-tier urinal system to speed things up. I can't reveal too much for intellectual property reasons, but Tier One is "Measured Micturition", which involves a tape measure and a waterproof notepad, and Tier Two is "Splash And Dash" which involves standing in the doorway and arcing over the loo queue. Just hand me my million pounds now, Dragon's Den.

Resolution 5:
Host the 2021 Olympics

I will become an Olympic host, just like a country. I don't know if we're due an Olympics this year: Sebastian Coe won't return my calls. But I will totally host it single-handedly. I might not have stadiums (the correct plural of which is "stadiumii"), but I can run around my living room in jogging bottoms balancing an egg in a ladle. Not a real egg, obviously, I'm not stupid.

Resolution 6
Become the world's tallest man

I'll just stand on some bricks or something.

Resolution 7
Win all the marathons

All of them. London, Munich, Sydney, Bhutan, everywhere. Eddie Izzard did loads of marathons because standup comedians run about a lot on stage, so it was a natural progression. I don't want to do any actual running: I'm pretty sure if you bung the finish-line marshals a few quid, they'll plant a few bogus "this way" signs so my competitors get lost and/or fall into a crocodile pit.

Resolution 8
Become 'Back Flip Guy'

Just imagine. I'm in a board meeting. Some suit is pointing at figures on a white board. The big boss at the head of the table asks for blue-sky thinking. I do a back flip right out of my chair, and everyone says it's "well skill" while doing the gangsta hand-snap thing. Hey! I'm the Back Flip Guy! It's what I do! See also: AA meetings, supermarket queues, rollercoasters, egg-ladle racing.

Resolution 9
Invent Star Wars

Do you know how much money Star Wars made? It was like a thousand pounds or something. I'm going to get rich by inventing Star Wars, although I'd get rid of all those little furry animals and the droopy-faced racist guy and all the robots and anything to do with space. It's basically going to be a dozen films of me sat in my pants playing computer Solitaire. The merch is going to be amazing.

Resolution 10
Use the word "horse" instead of other more useful words

My final resolution is going to horse your brain. I'm going to horse a seventy-foot horse in front of a crowd of horse, while horse-rope walking across a huge chasm which is horse metres high. Everyone will totally horse, and within horse weeks, horse will ask me to horse a horse, with horse horse and horse. Horse horse ladle, horse, horse on horse horse. Horse— (that's enough horsing around - ed)

Further Fats: Top ten ways to write a top ten music list (2012)

Further Fats: The only new year list that counts (2017)

The most Halloweeny music acts ever

It's Halloween. 

Since I can't do my usual trick or treating dressed as a bat panda, the most frightening creature known to humankind, I'm going to have to entertain myself with this instead. 

Here are my top thousand million scary music acts (or fewer if I run out of ideas). 

• Boards of Canadaaargh 
• Spice Ghouls 
• Pop Will Trick or Treat Itself
• Lady Gagaaaargh 
• Calvin Hair-raise
• Ghoul Scott Heron
• Tears for Fears (actual fears)
• Venetian Scares 
• Rihanaaargh
• Cardi (Zom)B
• Fright Said Fred
• Bjeeeek! 
• Matt and Spook Goss
• Chemical Brothers (broth as in witch's broth) 
• Adam and the Ants (actual ants)
• A-haaargh 
• S-Express (the S stands for Scary) 
• Lemonster Jelly
• Ca-boo-ret Voltaire
• Bananaramaaargh
• S Club 7 (the S stands for Scarier) 
• Aaargh-phex Twin
• Smashing Pumpkins (it's a pumpkin, the kind you use at Halloween) 
• Enyaaargh
• The Rolling (grave) Stones (suggested by @AcidGrandads)
  

I'm getting paid by the word, right? Hello? Anyone there? 

Sigh. 

What do you MEAN you haven't heard of Acid August?

As we approach the end of the month, I really hope you've enjoyed listening along with Acid August.

Pardon? You've never heard of Acid August? Have you been living under a rock?

The whole idea of Acid August is that you spent the whole month listening to acid house music and nothing else. Are you telling me you've not done this? Have you that much disrespect for Acid August?!

Admittedly I didn't mention Acid August, but it was difficult to figure out. It's the alliteration. Acid in August, Metal in March, Jungle in June and Off-Kilter Space Jazz in October. I shouldn't have to explain this to you.

Despite your wilful negligence of Acid August, I've hastily cobbled together a list of well-known acid classics you should have been listening to. Maybe you could invent a time machine to rescue the month you just wasted. Harrumph. You people.

• Hardfloor's Acperience 1: maybe the band's most famous track, and a template many people have copied
  
  
• Josh Wink's Higher State Of Consciousness (pictured): a silly track that put acid-tweaking fun into the charts
  
  
• Hydrochloric acid: a kind of bubbling sound, especially when it's burning off your skin
  
  
• Ceephax Acid Crew's Sidney's Sizzler: a lo-fi tempo-twiddling joyful track designed to move your tootsies
  
  
• Carbonic acid: makes a fizzing sound when you open the bottle, as long as the Diet Coke or sparkling water hasn't gone flat
  
  
• Spanky's Acid Bass: Phuture's much-missed Earl Smith Jr turning in an early stomping acid house classic
  
  
• Citric acid: doesn't make much of a sound, unless you jam a lemon into your eyes for a delightfully citrus-y scream
  
  
• 808 State's Flow Coma: the Manchester boys in a moody acid mood, a feeling replicated on their most recent album
  
  
• Amino acid: something to do with compounds (I've honestly no idea) – probably sounds like Westlife
  
  
• A Sid: just a man called Sid, who looks angry and disappointed on the rare occasions someone makes an "a sid / acid" joke, while mumbling "what kind of hack joke is this"
  
  
• Maurice's This is Acid: A stone-cold classic with the added frill of rave chords and sexy gasps

Why not go through that list and tick off all the acids you have listened to this month? And in the future, please don't forget Acid August.

See you this time next month when I'll be checking on your progress in Soft Rock September.

Further Fats: 467 (2010, which also mentions Acid August!)

20 great electronic music albums from 2010

A friend on Twitter was asking for recommendations of 2010 electronic music albums.

I don't mean 2,010 electronic music albums. That would be a big ask of anyone, like requesting someone list their top thousand favourite turnips then staring at them while tapping a notepad until they finished. No, that wouldn't be a nice thing to ask.

I mean electronic music albums from the year 2010. The year of Bad Romance and CeeLo Green's sweary break-up song and, er, Susan Boyle's Christmas album. The year, as it happened, of great electronic music.

And so, here it is. My list of recommendations. And because I'm a good boy, I took two tracks off each album and made this Spotify playlist.

There are notable omissions from my best-of-2010 blog posts. That's because tastes change, and a Fat Roland has a right to change his mind if a Fat Roland wants too. I think I now have better taste in music. I also, incidentally, have a better taste in socks, outdoor coats and egg recipes.

List ahoy!

20 great electronic music albums from 2010 (selected tracks playlist here)

Actress – Splazsh

Autechre – Oversteps

Brian Eno – Small Craft on a Milk Sea

Caribou – Swim 

Chemical Brothers – Further

Daft Punk – Tron Legacy

Flying Lotus – Cosmogramma

Four Tet – There Is Love In You 

Hot Chip – One Life Stand

LCD Soundsystem –  This Is Happening

Lone – Emerald Fantasy Tracks

Lonelady – Nerve Up 

Lorn – Nothing Else

Luke Abbott – Holkham Drones 

Magnetic Man – Magnetic Man

Massive Attack – Heligoland

Pantha Du Prince – Black Noise

Robyn – Body Talk

Shobaleader One – d'Demonstrator

Underworld – Barking 

20 best albums, 40 tracks, 3 and a half hours — launch Spotify playlist

Ten amazing albums that influenced my taste in music

My blogging schedule's gone a bit sideways because the Covid-19 lockdown has, like many other people, left me quite out of sorts. My capacity for creativity is pretty limited.

So I'm going to steal something I did on Facebook. And then we'll get back to the best-of-1995 thing.

My brother Grum tagged me in a Facebook challenge to name ten albums that influenced by taste in music. Here's what I posted, edited to make it more interesting than wot I said on Facebook. 

1 – The Orb's Adventures Beyond The Ultraworld

I remember playing this on my cassette walkmen in my tent on family holidays. So surreal to be in some random Welsh field and to get this amazing, otherworldly collages playing in my young ears.

2 – Transglobal Underground's Dream Of 100 Nations

This strange mix of UK techno and African tribalism and things from other planets. "Watch the skies! Keep looking!" I went to see TGU a couple of years ago and they were phenomenal.

3 – Drum Club's Everything Is Now

The album that truly made me fall in love with the bass drum for bass drum's sake, an appreciation that served me well in many a club. Thump thump thump thump thump thump thump thump....

4 – Orbital's brown album. 

Here's the one that changed everything for me. My Damascene moment. The album that hardwired techno and all its variants into my brain for life. And look at me now. I'm **twitch** FINE.

5 – The Irresistible Force's Flying High

Mixmaster Morris's hypnotic ambience lifted me into heady clouds of dubby ambience: I haven't quite come down since. The kind of album that lives in my veins. I also liked things with circles on. See also Banco de Gaia.

6 – The Goons' Ying Tong Song

No, really. This is cheating because it's an EP not an album, and it was a family hand-me-down rather than something I bought myself, but it's worth it because THIS IS WHAT MY BRAIN IS LIKE ALL OF THE TIME.

7 – Adamski's Doctor Adamski's Musical Pharmacy

I have to say, this is NOT a good album, despite the presence of Killer and NRG. But Adamski's DIY 'keyboard wizard' approach introduced my little Smash Hits brain to the concept of the bedroom studio a long time before doing that was a viable option.

8 – Underworld's dubnobasswithmyheadman

An obvious one for other fans of 90s techno, but what a strange animal at the time. I was already a fan of their 12-inches and I keenly devoured Junior Boy's Own's early output. All that gorgeous Tomato design work too. Cor.

9 – LTJ Bukem's Logical Progressions series

Drum 'n' bass was always a trip, and even now the thought of this series gives me tingles. My few short years as a drum 'n' bass DJ were some of my happiest creative times. The best sound, the best live experience, and the best to mix. 

10 – Aphex Twin's Selected Ambient Works 85-92

Pretty obvious, this one. That bass in Ageispolis. Oooooo.

And so many more, of course. Ten will do for now. 

That's it. I'm creatively spent. I've run out of words. Flong. Pathoot. Clibbibuuuu. See? It's just noise.

I'm off for yet another night of stupidly vivid lockdown dreams.

Further Fats: Chosen Words: B is for Boss Drum (2010)

Further Fats: Don't be rattled: it's just drum 'n' bass (2016)

My 5 favourite films of 2019 (in alphabetical order)

Cinema trips are always difficult. I need space for my three buckets of popcorn and a mop for when I fill my supersize Pepsi with nachos. And there's never anywhere to put my portable foot spa.

Despite this, I did get to see some films this year. So here are five films, or "movies" if you are modern, that I especially enjoyed in 2019. Incidentally, the final film here was released in 2018 in the States, but 2019 here, so if you are American, please close your eyes when you get to that bit. Thanks.

Oh and this will annoy the purists. This is not a top five: I love them all equally. I wanted to rank them, but I chickened out. Does that upset you? What are you going to do about it? Report me to the list police? Huh? HUH?

So in alphabetical order...

Booksmart

This Olivia Wilde comedy indulged in some pretty basic high school jinks, hence comparisons to Superbad. But thanks to great leads and some heavily-laced strawberries, it felt truly original. The chemistry between Beanie Feldstein and Kaitlyn Dever was sparkier than the band Sparks playing with sparklers: and indeed, the film was at its best when they were just being friends together.

I loved Billie Lourd's performance as Gigi, the drug-crazed non-friend who often went from nought to sixty in the blink of an eye. This goes for her script too, such as the line: "I lost my virginity in what I thought was a park but it turned out to be a graveyard, and now the ghost spirits live inside my eggs waiting to be reborn."



Knives Out

Everyone seems to think Rian Johnson is a poop-head (technical film term) for The Last Jedi. Blah blah Star Wars whatever. He knocked it out of the park with Knives Out, with Daniel Craig sounding like Foghorn Leghorn on mushrooms. An ensemble piece full of brilliant anti-chemistry, best summed up by the ice and fire interactions of Jamie Lee Curtis and Toni Collette.

Like Booksmart, this took a familiar trope and did something new. Pure Miss Marple: murder, poison, knives, motive, means, opportunity. They even went with the final "nobody leave this room" detective explanation. A delight throughout led by the perfectly-cast vomiting nurse Ana de Armas, and with one of the funniest character introductions I've seen on film. *plays a single note on the piano*



Midsommar

I realise, by the way, I am saying nothing particular new and enlightening about any of these films. All of these opinions are available elsewhere on better-read websites. And so, yes, I'm going to refer to Ari Aster's Midsommar as a horror film that takes the usual (literal) darkness and fills it with blazing daylight, and is no less horrific for it.

We're in obvious Wicker Man territory here, with its Scandi wonkiness providing a beautifully twisted core. And oh boy, it's nasty. At its heart though is a relationship statement grounded in the brilliantly human Florence Pugh (pictured, top), and a narrative arc as satisfying as the best short story. I don't know about you, but it proper put me off joining a cult.



Pain & Glory

Critics love films about people making films, but while the surname of Cinema Paradiso's protagonist Salvatore Di Vita suggests life, the name of Pain & Glory's fictional filmmaker Salvador Mallo suggests something more negative. The physicality in Antonio Banderas's performance is key, with his only true freedom from pain coming from swimming or, well, that would be a spoiler.

The film plays with time to such an extent, you begin to question what's real. It looks incredible, is carefully paced, but never loses a raised eyebrow: there's a wall-decoration moment in a waiting room which was as silly as anything in Airplane! Pure Pedro Almodóvar and then some.



The Favourite

I watched a period drama and loved it: this is a rare thing indeed. Below is a YouTube clip of the film's opening few minutes. Everything that's wonderful and strange about the film is here:

The luxurious sets masking the grubby reality of humanity. The isolation and longing, often separated by mere moments. The "macabre" rabbits representing so much about Queen Anne. The fish-eye camera angles distancing us from the drama. The awkward title cards doing much the same thing. The saturated light casting main characters into shadow and reminding us there's another world outside. The horrible, horrible men. Olivia Coleman. Olivia flipping Coleman.

The Favourite was constantly surprising and I want everything to look this odd from now on.

How do I compile my end-of-year list? Thanks for asking!

"Just how do you compile your annual Best Electronic Albums list?" people never ask me.

It sounds complicated, listening to a zillion albums and shuffling them into some sort of order. And certainly there's lots of admin and lots of writing to be done.

Actually, it's pretty easy if I follow some simple rules. Here's how I come up with my best-of-year list, posted on this blog at the end of every December.

One.

Firstly, I have to ask myself: what is an album. What *is* an album? No, seriously, what is one? I know they tend to be round unless they're made of internet. Are they like a frisbee? Is albums made of frisbees? What is music? Why are album? Huh?

Two.

When starting my list, I scratch around the bins at the back of Fat Roland Towers. There's usually a rat chewing on a Robson & Jerome CD, which I usually take as a sign. If someone's scrawled KASABIAN 4EVA next to the bottle recycling, it's straight into my top ten.

Three.

There is a practical experiment for choosing what goes into an end-of-year list. It involves: a copy of the British Book of Hit Singles; a blindfold; a set of darts. And if the dart should choose, for example, the Bonzo Dog Doo Dah Band who haven't graced the album charts for 45 years, it's tough. The dart has spoken. They're in my list.

Four.

Twenty phone calls, tonnes of texts, sometimes scented letters. Roland Rat never answers, but one day he will give me a tip for my year-end list. In that furry brain of his, there is a bottomless well of music knowledge. For now, I just stroke his framed photo, and hope.

Five.

I listen to music. Simple, I just listen to music. Unfortunately this never works because I have replaced my ears with eggs, and eggs are notoriously bad as audio receptors. I once replaced my knees with a small mining village in the Balkans, but the neighbours complained due to the noise.

Seven.

When writing your list, skip a number. No-one ever notices, and it's less work for you.

Eight.

Chant this incantation: huthatha baloobie flam flam yaargle butt. Then whittle a candle into a stake and bury it in a south-westerly position. When the moon is full, run about with your clothes off. None of this helps the year-end list, but it sure does pass the time.

Nine.

Go to the internet. Press control-A, or command-A if you're fancy. This will highlight the entire world wide web. Paste this into your list, making sure you choose "text only". Bang. A billion words. Somewhere in there will be the best albums of the year, a sonic record needle in a towering information haystack. You will experience a glowing satisfaction that you technically - TECHNICALLY - finished the job of end-of-year listing.

Ten.

Don't bother. Wait until I write the Best Electronic Albums of 2019, due to hit this blog before the end of the year. I'm not sure of the date yet: it depends on how much chocolate I eat at Christmas and whether I get into a fight with a reindeer again.

Further Fats: All of the previous end-of-year lists (2009–2018)

What is the most successful "Dance" single of all time?

Dance Monkey by Tones And I has just clocked up its tenth week at the top of the UK singles chart. It's the longest running number one single since Ed Sheeran's all-dominating Shape Of You in 2017.

In 2016, Drake enjoyed a massive stint at number one when One Dance spent over three months in the top spot. Which makes Dance Monkey the most successful "Dance" single since One Dance.

Which raises a hugely important question. What is the most successful "Dance" single of all time? You are a lucky blog reader because I'm about to give you the answer.

1. One Dance

Drake does indeed have the most successful "Dance" single of all time. It locked out the top spot for 15 weeks, keeping the likes of Rihanna, Calvin Harris and Justin flipping Timberlake at number two. Drake is also the most successful duck-named pop star since Howard Donald from Take That.

2. Dance Monkey

There she is. Tones (pictured top) has the second most successful "Dance" single ever. We're living in classic times for singles having the word "dance" in the title. Apparently the former busker has been at number one in Australia since the dawn of time.

3. Rhythm Is A Dancer

I'm as serious as cancer when I say Snap! have the third most successful "Dance" track of all time, topping the charts for six weeks in 1992 and knocking Jimmy Nail off number one. After his phenomenal success with Snap!, square-headed rapper Turbo B went on to open a specialist cheese shop in Hull.

4. Dancing Queen

That wasn't true about the cheese shop. I went off the rails for a second there. I've got loads of tabs open, but not a single one about Turbo B's post-Snap! career. I should have made more of an effort to look him up, rather than make random punts about cheese, and I do apologise.

Disqualified – I Don't Feel Like Dancin'

The whole thing's gone flat because of my cheese shop stupidity. I can't even make the final joke about the Scissor Sisters being "anti-dance" because they don't feel like dancing. If I made that joke now, it wouldn't work because you'd be thinking about my Turbo B lie too much. I didn't even explain anything about Abba being number four. Things have really gone off the rails.

So there we go. Now you know what the most successful "Dance" single is. You'd buy speciality cheese from him, wouldn't you? He's got that kind of face. Turbo Brie, I call him.

I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.

Main picture: OfficialCharts.com

Further Fats: No new electronica in the singles chart, repeat to fade (2009)

Further Fats: If it goes bleep, it may or may not be EDM (2013)

5 great new dance hits from January 1989

Nothing like a bit of UK chart perusing for these cold winter nights. Here are some dance music hit singles that made their first chart appearance 30 years ago, in the month of January 1989 - also known as the month Kylie & Jason ruled the charts.

1. Cookie Crew - Born This Way (Let's Dance)

"Black is the word." The Rok Da House rappers hit the charts on New Year's Day with Born This Way and rose to number 23. The title was later copied by Lady Gaga and by the cast of Glee.



2. Royal House - Yeah! Buddy

Todd Terry's the chap who turned Everything But The Girl into a dancefloor hit. Here he is in 1989 tearing up the dancefloor and the chart, scoring the second of two top 40 hits under this particular alias.



3. Rob Base and DJ E-Z Rock - Get On The Dance Floor

Although It Takes Two was Rob Base and E-Z's signature song, Get On The Dance Floor was the bigger chart hit, entering at number 30 on 8th January 1989 and peaking at number 14, a couple of places above Milli Vanilli.



4. Turntable Orchestra - You're Gonna Miss Me

I must admit, I don't remember this one, even though it uses as its beat the "In My House" breakdown on the Pet Shop Boy's remixed Always On My Mind. Anyway, there it is, scoring a tiny number 52 hit in the middle of January 1989.



5. DJ Fast Eddie - Hip House / I Can Dance

This veteran Chicago house producer reached number 47 with this double a-side at the end of January 1989. It should have been a bigger hit, with all that lovely acid.

Ten things I did in September

Listened to Heart by the Pet Shop Boys twice in a row.

Wrote a short short story AND installed a toilet floor on the same day.

Saw a brace of magpies eat a dead bird.

Went to a space-themed takeaway complete with videos of meteors.

Went to Didsbury Pride, which was a bit like a church fete but with more rainbows.

Upgraded my internet, which is very dull, but it's going to make a big difference for my creative / work gubbins.

Had a baby squirrel climb up my leg then look up at me confused.

Did gigs in Cumbria, Derbyshire and Burnage, the holy tryptich of entertaining places.

Went to a reconstruction of Princess Diana's funeral and had the Daily Star on my back digging for info.

Rediscovered Sun Electric's 1996 album Present (pictured), which mostly passed me by at the time - it's a corker.

Listify my Spotify: Sun Electric, Moderat, Surgeon & morr

Here's what has been plopping up on my Spotify recently.

As you know, Spotify has a "random" function, where it chucks all of your mp3s into a tombola. It picks them out one by one, and no one gets a prize at the end. Here's an arbitrary chunk of ten (see picture) 

I've deleted all the duplicate artists in this list. Also, I nixed a Transglobal Underground track because I really wanted to get Skee Mask in there. It's cheating. Sue me.

What should I add to my Spotify playlist? Hit me up in the comments below.

YouTube tops the singles chart

This week, the UK chart changed forever. Watching a YouTube video will now count towards a chart position. No seriously, it's true - here's Dua Lipa explaining all about it.

With this in mind, I can now announce the brand new top ten UK singles:

1. James Corden
2. A cat falling off the edge of the world
3. Damp memes (like dank memes but wetter)
4. More James Corden
5. A dog playing Fifa 18

6. A 76 minute video of someone unboxing a Pot Noodle

7. Jimmy Carr laughing like an unoiled trampoline
8. Donald Tru--- oh actually it's James Corden

9. Logan Paul videoing his knee for a full weekend

10. Boards of Canada lyrics videos

Fat Roland's out-of-context March 2018 supercut

Here are ten sentences I've written this month. Each line is from a different thing I've written during March, whether it's a piece of journalism, social media post or mere note on my phone. I would provide the context… but it's more fun without.

1. The parpy one, the screechy one, the one that goes ting, and the big one made out of elephants.

2. A pizza hut and a bowling alley, the best kind of secondary school.

3. A horn of eggs.

4. Then you sacrifice the words to the moon God Crathalpffrpt.

5. All these tunes are my real friends,” I say to the dog, but all he hears is “woof woof woof” because I am a dog too.

6. The phrase “more cowbell” has never been less appropriate.

7. Phlenk. Garrup. Fanhoodle. Birra-birra-mancho. Liaoeoume. Hank.

8. Putting a rock on an animal skin. Putting a rock under an animal skin. Putting a rock next to an animal skin.

9. I once made a willion bitconks hawking double-A drugpills to shash-faced childreds.

10. I'M JUGGLING CHAINSAWS.

New New Year number one singles

Welcome to 2018, readers. We are now in the future: it's official.

New Year's Day is a strange way to start a year. Everywhere's shut, no-one does anything, and it just feels like a final hiccup before we get cracking with our lives again. They should move New Year's Day to later in the year, when we need a break. July or something.

I spent a bit of time today researching UK number one singles that are bona fide New Year's Day chart toppers: in other words, they reached number one the week *after* Christmas, replacing whatever was official Christmas number one. A new New Year number one, if you like.

There aren't many.

1955: Dickie Valentine With The Stargazers - Finger of Suspicion
1956: Bill Haley & His Comets - Rock Around The Clock
1957: Guy Mitchell - Singing The Blues
1963: Cliff Richard & The Shadows - The Next Time / Bachelor Boy
1969: Marmalade - Ob-La-Di Ob-La-Da
1979: Village People - YMCA
1989: Kylie Minogue & Jason Donovan - Especially For You
1991: Iron Maiden - Bring Your Daughter To The Slaughter
1999: Chef - Chocolate Salty Balls (PS I Love You)
2010: Joe McElderry - The Climb
2012: Coldplay - Paradise
2014: Pharrell Williams - Happy
2015: Mark Ronson ft Bruno Mars - Uptown Funk
2016: Justin Bieber - Love Yourself

Considering it's a quiet time of year for record sales, there are some pretty massive hits in that list. More so than if you chose a random week later in the year, I'd say.

The current UK number one is an Ed Sheeran track that was number one for Christmas last week. So no new New Year number one this year: nothing to add to the list.

However, if this list was based on streams only, today would have a brand new New Year number one. Hurray! What's the song? Last Christmas by Wham.

Oh great. Even New Year can't totally get rid of Christmas.

Ten things that make life 3% better

In an effort to stop and smell the proverbial roses once in a while, here are ten things I have appreciated recently.

> The start of a new month - even just a week - and the potential that hovers impossibly in the air;

> Friendly and slightly drunk crowds appreciating my panda stories at Kendal Calling;

> Eric Morecambe pretending that the person behind has just goosed him, time after time;

> The sheen on Selected Ambient Works 85-92 that sticks to your brain long after the music has gone;

> Seeing Paul Foot on the back of a truck, realising he was arriving for a gig, going to see the gig, Paul Foot being brilliant;

> The hundreds of extra blog hits from Ukraine the other day, even though it was probably just a bot... hi, Ukraine!;

> Redrawing some of my performance stuff; including secret pockets to make on-stage handling easier;

> The spiky eccentricity of Die Antwoord: I want to be them but also definitely never want to be them, all at the same time;

> Staying off Facebook because it's a time and mood drain;

> Long conversations with friends. Wait. I can't end on this, it's too soppy. Er... The gas station scene in It's A Mad Mad Mad Mad World. That'll do.

No-one wants songs about the moon these days

 

Today's the billionth anniversary of humankind setting foot on the moon.

Do we have colonies on the moon now? Are we whizzing around its craters in bubblecars? Can we speak into our wrists to order cocktails from little green alien butlers?

No. Total waste of time.

Here are all the UK number one singles with "moon" in the title. They're in order of success (number of weeks at number one then number of weeks in the chart) because I am too stubborn to throw off the notion that chart trivia stripped of its context is a useful thing.

I can only assume from this list that since the turn of the millennium, no-one wants songs about the moon.

Connie Francis - Carolina Moon. Number one in 1958. I don't know this one and because the title reminds me of 'Oh Carolina', I can only imagine her sounding like Shaggy.

Stargazers - I See The Moon. Number one in 1954. Is 1954 even a year?! The moon wasn't even invented then.

Creedence Clearwater Revival - Bad Moon Rising. Number one in 1969. "Hope you are quite prepared to die." Thanks for that, Clarence or whatever your name was.

Showaddywaddy - Under The Moon Of Love. Number one in 1976. Reality TV stars before there was reality TV, with a band name to match.

Danny Williams - Moon River. Number one in 1961 / 62. You spelled 'rover' wrong, Danny, jeez.

Marcels - Blue Moon. Number one in 1961. Their in-your-face rendition of a staid classic probably rustled a few starched feathers. Apparently the song has been adopted as an anthem by some small-time Northern football team. Can't remember the city.

Leann Rimes - Can't Find The Moonlight. Number one in 2000. Clouds, Leann. It's probably clouds.

The Police - Walking On The Moon. Number one in 1979. Most notable for Sting's poetic development of the moon landing communications: "Giant steps are what you take... I hope my legs don't break."

1997: what the flip was going on?

Someone tweeted about 1997 being an incredible year for music. Can't remember who. (Cool story, Fats.)

And yeah, there was Daft Punk and Propellerheads and Prodigy and Chemical Brothers and Roni Size. You were right, tweety person, you were right. 1997 was a great year for music.

It's good to measure these things so let's get specific. I decided to look at the singles chart exactly 20 years ago. 23rd June 1997. Let's wallow in a memorable year of fantastic tunes, shall we?

1. Puff Daddy's mawkish I'll Be Missing You was number one. Okay. Not so great. But all the good songs get to number two, right?

2. Bitter Sweet Symphony. And there's the good number two. Never did make it to the top of the charts. THANKS, Puff.

3. Mmm Bop by Hanson.  Three flesh muppets talking nonsense. Oh dear.

4. Ocean Colour Scene? Bog off. I'd drain the oceans and watch all aqua life writhe and die before listening to this shambles again.

I'm not convinced this is really working. Let's speed things up. Time to skip some numbers and get to the real meat of this burger of musical joy.

9. Guiding Star by Cast. Possibly the most annoying band of the 90s, and the band I have heckled the loudest. Make them stop.

11. Celine Dion? Crumbs. I'd forgotten about the boat-mouthed siren that was Celine. Ouch.

18. Savage Garden?! Worst S-band name ever. Apart from Shed Seven. And Salad.

22. The Friends theme tune that was in the charts forever. I'd rather have the clap clap clap clap.

This is terrible. This week in 1997 was a travesty. Jon Bon Jovi, Sarah Brightman, Brand New Heavies, Wet Wet Wet. All this chart proves is that 1997 was a verruca on the foot of the 1990s - and even then it's not a foot, it's just some weeping stump on the diseased leg of the 20th century.

No wait. I've found something.

87. The Saint by Orbital. Not their most remembered track, but with 11 weeks in the chart and a high point of number 3, it remains their best charting single. Kept off the top spot in April 1997 by I Believe I Can Fly and Song 2.

Yay! Told you 1997 was good.

Yeesh.