It's time for another blog episode (blogisode) of my ongoing chart countdown (chountdown) to find the bleepiest and the bangiest (blepangiest) number one hit single of the 1990s.
This is the final heat of Ultimate 1990s Number One. Once I pick through this final selection of 1990s chart-toppers, we will move to the grand final in which I will choose the titular ultimate number one. How exciting.
"But Fat Roland," I hear you plead, "surely, you should put the final singles to a public vote, and get your loyal readers to choose the Ultimate 1990s Number One." Nope. This is not the X Factor. I am not Dermot O'Leary or Davina Whats-her-face. There is no phone vote at 98 quid a minute. The bleepiest banger will be my choice and my choice alone.
With that heart-warming audience-friendly reassurance clanging gently in your head, let's get into the final selection. Remember: my two criteria are: is it a banger, and is it bleepy?
The contenders
All Saints: Bootie Call | Another Level: Freak Me | Baby D: Let Me Be Your Fantasy | Baddiel, Skinner and The Lightning Seeds: 3 Lions '98 | Boyzone: All That I Need | B*Witched: To You I Belong | Peter Andre: I Feel You | Snap!: Rhythm Is a Dancer | Spice Girls: Wannabe | Spice Girls: 2 Become 1 | The Outhere Brothers: Boom Boom Boom
Beefy bangers
Every pop act has a lesser well-known hit single, and this might well be the case for these All Saints and Boyzone selections. Let's discard these, like an old pair of boxers or a broken old stereo or an unwanted child. Same goes for Baddiel, Skinner and The Lightning Seeds: their football anthem was dealt with in a previous blog post.
Ginger, Scary, Beefy, Farty and Parpy have been regular stars of Ultimate 90s Number One. But it's not until now that I get to rate the two iconic Spice Girls singles Wannabe and 2 Become 1. They are both hands-down, cards-on-the-table, hamster-in-the-shredder bangers. One is a patchwork of sassy pop hooks, and the other is a seductive salute to rubber johnnies. Total bangers, but not bleepy enough for this competition. And bleepiness is what I really, really want.
Take a bow(ers)
"Let me lick you up and down," said Another Level in Freak Me. I had never realised these schmalty chart-topper was so soggy. The most famous Level-er was Bowers who, after a flirtation with UK garage, became a TV presenter. He has appeared in Totally Boyband, Celebrity Big Brother and season three of The Wire. I lied about The Wire. For me, Another Level were never really on another level.
To You I Belong was perhaps B*Witched's more obscure number one single. I can't remember how it went, but it probably involved a lot of denim. Despite that, this single should be notorious. This was the song that ended a seven-week run at the top of the charts for Cher's Believe. I'm not a legal expert, but that should rank as some kind of hate crime.
Like To You I Belong, Peter Andre's third number one single I Feel You has faded from public memory. It's basically him impersonating a late-career Michael Jackson ballad, with a bit of falsetto and some washboard abs thrown in for good measure. Meh.
I cannot get excited about any of these singles, and they certainly don't fit my bleepy banger criteria. Why am I even writing about them? Let's move on.
You've come a long way, Baby
Our very final number one selections end things on a strong note. Mostly.
Melodic, euphoric, emotional, and a beautiful tribute to the hardcore scene. Baby D's one chart-topper Let Me Be Your Fantasy is a bang-to-rights banger with extra bangs on top. It took over two years from original release to get to the top of the charts. Its sampling is next-level: the Amen break, 2 Bad Mice, Bizarre Inc and more. Baby D (pictured above left) really did like the hardcore scene. Straight through to the Ultimate 90s final.
A year after their brilliant smash hit The Power, Snap! seemed like a spent force. Any group from that era resorting to a 'Megamix' single was clutching at straws. However, in 1992 Snap! (pictured above right) produced their biggest UK hit. Rhythm Is A Dancer was as serious as cancer, scarier than malaria, as stern as, um, Covid-ninetern. It's also a bit silly, so I won't put it through, despite that feeling like an arbitrary call. A snap decision, if you will.
"Boom boom boom," Shakespeare once wrote, "let me hear you say wayo." The Outhere Brothers are included in this final section because I guess it's a bleepy hit, in that it falls under the umbrella of 1990s dance music. But that's like calling Coldplay a rock band or calling JK Rowling a positive role model for young readers. Smash Hits gave this single zero stars out of five, which was the second best thing Smash Hits had ever done, the first being employing Neil Tennant. No, you won't hear me say wayo, thank you very much. Pah.
What a miserable note to end on. Stupid Outhere Brothers. I have now covered all 206 number one singles of the 1990s. At least I hope so: there are bound to be mistakes. If I've missed something, leave a comment.
Next up, the grand final. I'm so excited, I'm frothing in several places. While I drill for gold so I can build a massive trophy, have a browse of the Ultimate 90s number ones series.
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