An end of a month is a time to take stock. To think about our regrets. To consider the endless void. To paint our toenails cherry red and hide inside a trifle.
Here are some recent tweets from my FatRoland account. It's a way of creating blog content with as little effort whatsoever. I suggest you put an equal amount into reading this.
Regrets. The void. Trifle. It's all here. Yes, including the trifle: each tweet will be accompanied by a trifle ingredient, which I suggest you eat at the same time as reading.
Been around the cinnamon whirl and I I I, I can't find my bagel.
I am delighted to announce I am the new CEO of Twitter. Character length increased to 20,000. Only cartoon avatars. Scratch and sniff. 5p per retweet. Cats with beards.
If any health companies or meat distributors want to give me £100,000 to ask questions in parliament, please get in touch. "Do you like ham?" "What's your fave rash?" I'd be really good at it.
Just so people know where I stand on this, I think Christmas should be aggressively enforced all year round. Everyone to dress as Santa every day. Only trees allowed to grow are Christmas ones. Cars have baubles instead of wheels, etc etc.
Movin' to the country, gonna eat a lot of beaches.
Ingredient: prune juice
Okay gang, it's a new day, fresh start, new goals, we can achieve amazing things together. You get the butter and I'll start asking round for funnels.
Ingredient: sponge (food)
7. Breakfast again
Omicron? OMICROISSANT, more like. Yeah? Think about it, sheeple.
Ingredient: sponge (bathroom)
On this day 24 years ago, all five members of the Sneaker Pimps climbed into Robbie Williams's mouth and were never seen again.
Ingredient: wafer-thin ham
9. Elevator pitch
Pitch to publishers: A book based on themes in well-known palindromes. "Murder for a jar of red rum" (crime novel). "Mr Owl ate my metal worm" (science fiction dystopia). "Go hang a salami, I'm a lasagna hog" (recipe book).
The inappropriate fade-out on the Spotify version of Orbital's Lush 3-1 is why the world's gone to hell in a hand dryer.
Ingredient: baking tray
Today is Halloween, which as we all know comes from the phrase "Hello, Ian".
12. The big question
Who was the renegade master, what were they trying to damage, and were they behaving ill so they could bunk off work?
Ingredient: the 18th century