The battle for the 2020 Christmas number one single is hotting up.
For the last 52 years, the festive chart-topper has been a charity single about cheese and onion pasties, apart from that one time a Facebook campaign put a gif of Eddie Murphy tapping his head at number one. What about this year?
Right here, on this page, I can exclusively reveal the eight singles that are vying for this year's ultimate festive first place.
Jess Glynne: Lonely This Christmas
The all-conquering Clean Bandit collaborator hopes to tune into the melancholic side of Christmas with this Elvis Presley classic. The song will be played at half-speed with a gentle folk backing, while Glynne will be laying down her vocals in the chinos department of a burned-down BHS. The cover design will be a sad-face emoji with just a hint of a wink.
Liam Gallagher's Low Slung Birds: Standing On The Shoulders Of Santa
This interminable dirge will feel very much like the non-week between Christmas and New Year, with the over-produced guitars engendering a sense of pointlessness in all who listen. The video will feature Michael Smiley from Spaced being a cheeky chappy before falling into a Victorian sewer and being made to eat his bowler hat. Liam will pronounce "Christmas" as "Chris-me-yaaaass".
Russ Abbott: A Potato
This cheery comedy legend racked up millions of YouTube hits from an old quiz show clip of him singing a silly song about a raw potato. To entertain families during lockdown, he revived the song by video-duetting with many famous people such as Bella Emberg, Prince Andrew and Pol Pot. As a result, potatoes sold out on supermarket shelves across the UK and people had to use toilet roll instead.
The Paul Brothers feat. EMF: Let's All Come Together, Bitches
YouTube superstars Jake and Not-Jake Paul will spend the Christmas season spitting into people's faces, pulling down skirts and laughing at funerals. YouTube will validate their behaviour by not poking them in the eye with a stick. The Pauls will put no effort into their Christmas single, which will be written and recorded in its entirety by EMF. The Gloucestershire popsters didn't want to do it, but it's been a while since Unbelievable and they need the money.
Cat Bin Lady: Drop It Like It's Hot
Although vilified first time round, Cat Bin Lady had an unlikely surge in popularity this year when video remixer Mini-Disc Man made a supercut of her binning a cat set to an old Snoop Dogg track. To offset this yuletide's many feline deaths from inevitable copycat pussycat trashcannings, all profits from this single will go to the Wheelie Bin Protection League.
Robbie Williams: Hello?
This comprises seven hours of Robbie Williams stuck inside a chimney going "hello? hello? anyone?" over and over again, before succumbing to a lack of oxygen and, one day, falling as bones into an open grate while an unsuspecting family celebrates Hanukkah. Not his greatest work, but a damn sight better than his video for Rock DJ.
Various artists: Screams from the void
This is not a song. It is the sound you have been hearing in your brain throughout 2020. You've been humming 'Jingle Bells' to yourself to drown out the noise. When Santa arrives he will devour the saucer of mince pies you left out for him with his seventeen tongues, and then his reindeers will start screeching, the terrible cacophony consuming all known energy and light. Also your fairy lights will stop working, revealing your Christmas tree to be little more than a purloined slab of forestry left to rot inside a house.
Kirsty McColl: F*** You, You W****ing B***boy F****
Not one for kowtowing to woke culture, McColl's archive recording says what we've all been thinkin— (that's enough - ed)