Most-read posts on FatRoland.co.uk in April 2017

1- Seven curious facts about Warp Records veteran Clark
"If you don't know Community, I can't help you."

2 - The definitive top ten Aphex Twin facts
"Nasty Window, Twinny McTwinface, Billy Skinhole..."

3 - You want to read about music? Here's some politics
"The UK political landscape is a fire in a dumpster truck. Or whatever the British version of that is."

4 - Giving Link's Arcadian its due
"'Aaaargh my face,' screams Pritchard."

5 - A list acceptable sounds
"Bap."

Futher Fats: see January's most read pieces here.
Futher Fats: see February's most read pieces here.
Futher Fats: see March's most read pieces here.

The Electronic Music Symposium knows its onions (and/or turnips)

You know that allotment sitcom where Richard Briers and Felicity Kendal live next to Margot and Prime Minister Jim Hacker and all they talk about is carrots and looms?

I felt a bit like that at the Electronic Music Symposium panel discussion at Factory the other day. There was me with my home-woven dungarees and turnips made from old wood. And sat next to me were far superior neighbours next door, including 808 State's Graham Massey and Twisted Nerve's Andy Votel. I'm not sure which one's Jerry and which one's Margot in that analogy.

Also on the panel were Tom Autobot, DJ Euphonique (who took the above photo), Aaron from the Lost Village Festival and, from his pad in Ibiza, DJ Doorly. We talked about the ubiquity of music technology and how good mini-Moogs were. Inevitably for a male-dominated panel, we were challenged about opportunities for women. I brought a bunch of Electronic Sound magazines with me, which were devoured by Manchester MIDI School students.

The Music Symposium Series is run by former Ministry of Sound Operations Director, Tony Rigg, who hosted the discussion brilliantly. It was a sold-out gig and it was great to be in the company of so many fellow bleep-heads. Loads of them were young and bright-eyed and starting their first big music projects. They were so like me at that age: optimism mixed with energetic impatience and a need to make their voice heard. Actually, I've never lost that, and I hope they don't too.

Thanks to the organisers for putting me on an interesting panel, and choosing a great venue. And to Scan Pro Audio for bringing some great kit. (They're good: I described a set of headphones I once owned and, without hesitation, they told me the exact make.)

Great turnips all round, I reckon.

A list of acceptable sounds

Here is a list of acceptable sounds. The list is definitive.

Bleep
Thwum
Chack
Dunk
Issssh
Tssscht
Bap
Bwoink
Gyoooowww
Whoosh
Donkerdonkdonk
Pip
Wub
Screech
Yap
Yap
Yap
Hey

If someone can invent a keyboard that only does these sounds, that would be great. Thanks.

Aphex Twin is *the* look of summer 2017

I made a joke on Twitter, but now I've started taking it seriously. I can't think about anything else.

Here's my, er, "joke".

Getting my fancy dress prepared for @MusicSymp at @FAC251 tomorrow. So many options. pic.twitter.com/txn2AY6xGl

— Fat Roland (@FatRoland) April 24, 2017

Oh how funny, Fats. Oh how you've got us rolling down the aisles. But I really want to dress like those Aphex Twin characters now.

The green teddy bear suit looks so fluffy. It looks like it smells of lime and you'd be able to hide in a bucket of frogs without anyone noticing.

The bearded bikini Aphex looks so liberating. Imagine letting it all hang out, my ridiculously large boobs wafting in the wind, my beautiful unshaven face rustling like a bad tree. I'd be adored by millions.

Who hasn't wanted to shave their head, smear themselves in clay and scream at a little old lady? Not just old ladies. Old blokes. Old dogs. Old babies. Just scream, scream, screaming all day long.

And what's wrong with dressing as Jive Bunny?

Oh. Wait.

Why did I choose that? That would be awful. Everyone hated Jive Bunny. Flipping heck. That's taken the sheen off this whole thing, to be honest.

IT'S NOT EVEN APHEX TWIN'S BEST CHARACTER.

I wish I'd never tweeted anything. Harrumph.

Giving Link's Arcadian its due

Have I raved about Link's Arcadian recently? Probably not. It's well overdue a raving.

Arcadian first appeared on an EP back in 1992. I discovered it on Warp Record's brain-meltingly brilliant Artificial Intelligence compilations a couple of years later. Everyone was producing instrumental ambient techno: I should know - that scene was my world back then. This Link track stood out: it was gentle yet hard as nails, much of its power coming from that rattling snare hit.

Of course it stood out. Link was Mark Pritchard, of Under The Sun and Global Communication fame. He's seventeen shades of genius; a musical Midas. Mark Pritchard could jam his head into a wood-chipper and still produce the most beautiful sounds. "Aaaargh my face," screams Pritchard. "Ten out of ten!" declares Pitchfork.

It's not a friendly track, not like his other ambient stuff. It's metronomic and a little pinched. But that's why it's cool: it would have been tempting to take a gloopier, more leisurely path like, for example, another stand-out from that time, Spooky's Orange Coloured Liquid.

Take ten minutes out of trolling Theresa May on Twitter and listen to Arcadian here.



Further Fats: My Warp top ten: it's not all Warp and there aren't ten of them (2009)

Further Fats: New York, London, Paris, Munich, everybody talk about complicated electronica with difficult time signatures and a limited listening demographic (2009)

You want to read about music? Here's some politics

I'm not going to bore you with a political post. This is a music blog. You want to read about music, right? Right.

That said, what the hecking flip is going on in my country?

Firstly, we have a Brexit fuelled by phone-hacking hacks and the kind of chin-drooping chump who pronounces "Eng-er-land" with its syllables three miles apart.

Secondly, Lady Voldemort calls a snap election because she's panicking about the waning fires she's stoking in the portal to hell that is our economic future.

Yeesh. Bring back the simplicity of poll tax riots, silent Criminal Justice Bill remixes and MPs defiling themselves with fruit in their gobs.

The UK political landscape is a fire in a dumpster truck. Or whatever the British version of that is. A kerfuffle in a wheelie bin. A dust-up in a dustbin. A situation a skip.

At least we're going to get some interesting music. Whether it's the angst of Holly Herndon (pictured), the dystopia of Gorillaz or the hashtag-problems of Stormzy, our soundtrack has never sounded better as we hurtle screaming into oblivion.

See. This was about music. Pfffrt.

Nightwave knocks the fluff from your brain

Here's a track that should knock the fluff from your brain. It's called Wavejumper by Nightwave, and it sits somewhere between street-corner grime and teeth-gnashing techno.

You're not reading this, are you? You're either scrolling Trump's stream-of-consciousness poem, otherwise known as his Twitter feed, or preparing yourself for the most intensive six-week bunfight in history as Britain goes the polls. Sigh.

You should pay attention. Nightwave is, as the young people say, da bomb. She's a Glasgow producer who's run all-female production workshops in Glasgow. I first came across her when she released G41 under her previous pseudonym 8bitch. She's way more interested than politicians, right?

What can Harry Styles' back teach us?

I was going to blog about new music tonight, but my PC seems to be staging some kind of protest. It keeps switching itself off.

It's probably because I listened to the new Harry Styles single. You know the one. He's trying to sound a bit like Bowie and it goes on for ages. I want to like it but it sounds like it's been made for dads. And, as we all know, all dads have terrible taste in music. All of them.

The cover of Harry Styles' new album is a picture of his damp back. It's a nice picture of a damp back, and it reminded me that all people who have freckles are better than non-freckled people. That might sound extreme, but it's true. Everyone with freckles is better.

If your damp back isn't as good as Harry's damp back, then you are a bad person. This sounds like an opinion, but it's fact.

Although I think my computer should be on, it has decided to be off. I would prefer my computer to be on so I can write stuff on my blog. But my PC really wants to be off. There is no middle ground: my computer and I have polarised views on its ideal state. If only we could reach a compromise: perhaps it could be half-on / half-off. Some kind of digital grey area, so my computer can get some shut-eye while I get some writing done.

So I won't be able to publish a blog post tonight. I won't be able to mention any new music, nor give my delicately considered opinions on things. All because no-one's interested in grey areas, in the beauty of nuance.

All computers have ugly backs, full of warts and gangrene. Worse than dad backs.