Just how DO you act at your first rave?

WikiHow has a whole page on how to act at your first rave.

On that page, there are useful pictures accompanying the useful text.

Now, I don't like to read things. If I buy a Booker Prize-winning novel, it had better be at least 40% pictures, because I can't be doing with all those clever words.

Here is what I gleaned from that WikiHow article simply from looking at the pictures. Just how DO you act at your first rave?

1. Dance

That's right. You know the phrase "dance like no-one's looking"? You need to dance like everybody's looking. Like, proper staring. And probably dribbling a bit.

Find a friend. Try swapping your back-pocket cloakroom tickets by rubbing your bottoms together.

2. Wave

Wave at your fellow ravers. Wave at the DJ. Wave at the bar staff. Wave at the bouncers. Wave at the strobe lights. Wave at the fire exit sign. Ask the fire exit sign's name. "My name's Jeremy," says the fire exit sign. Oh good. Now, the fire exit sign's talking.

3. Play pretend football

Have a pretend game of football. Kick a ball you've made up in your head. See if you can do a goal. Ten nil! Run around with your shirt over your head.

Pretend everyone in the club is your grumpy neighbour, and ask them for your ball back. Ask everyone, one by one, even though you know the ball is pretend. Do it. It'll be hilarious.

4. Wonder if you should have played pretend football

I'm not... I'm not sure I should have played pretend football  I'm at a rave. Everyone's dancing. I, uh, think that might have been a distraction. What was I thinking? I really need to get my head together. It's okay, it's okay. After tonight, I'll get it together. New start. No more pretend football.

So, er...

That, reader, is apparently how you act at your first rave.

Further Fats: Chosen Words: E is for Ecstacy (2010)

Further Fats: A very Roland-y night out (2017)