Instead of raving all night, sometimes I like to go to bed. And when I go to bed, I like to fall asleep and dream.
Shakespeare said "to sleep, perchance to dream", and I think he was waffling about death, but whatever the ruffed berk was on about, he clearly found dreams fascinating. And so do I. Especially when the dream stays in my memory in the first moments of the day; a lingering afterglow of imagined nonsense.
If I find a dream particularly memorable, I tend to post about it on Twitter. So I did some homework. I trawled through my entire Twitter history to find all of my tweets about my dreams.
So, a special treat for psychologists everywhere, and perhaps as a tribute to 808 State's excellent 1989 track Magical Dream, here is...
Fat Roland's top 20 magical dreams
A list of my dreams as posted on Twitter over the past 11 years, in no particular order. This is all genuine. Brace yourself.
1. The record collection
Last night, I dreamt I was showing someone my record collection - but the only record I had was I'd Rather Jack by The Reynolds Girls (pictured above).
2. Fridge problems
Last night I dreamt Robert Plant sneaked into my fridge and did a poo in my Yopp.
3. On the bus
Dreamt I met Debbie McGee on the 142 bus. She was very nice despite being overburdened with shopping.
4. The classic album
Last night, I dreamt I had a listening party with all of my friends so we could reappraise the "game-changing Manic Street Preachers album with all the Red Hot Chili Peppers songs on".
5. The brush off
Last night, I dreamt that every time I used a broom, I chucked it away. I had a bin full of brooms.
6. Career choice
Last night, I dreamed I became a hairdresser by mistake.
7. At the club
Last night I dreamt I was at a club night. Every so often, Grace Jones would patrol the room to check no-one was smoking.
8. At the memorial
Last night's dream: I got asked by my local pub to say a few words at a George Formby memorial event. I said yeah fine, I know all about him, I'll not prepare, I'll just wing it. As I walk into the stage, I realise I know nothing about Formby: I was thinking of Bobby Ball.
9. Waking nightmare
Last night I had a nightmare in which I dreamt Mumford & Sons was a real thing and then I woke up and it was true.
10. The race
Dreamt I was racing spiders. (I won.)
11. Definitely my ego
Last night I dreamed I was giving motivational leadership speeches in a car wreckage yard whose electronics were powered by a Nook E-reader.
12. At the pub
Last night I dreamt I went to the pub for a meal. Covid made it way too stressful. Don't touch that, don't queue there, don't lick that, don't stick that in there. Also, @jpmdaly was having a pint with Lou Reed, which just made everything worse.
13. Phone levels
Last night I dreamed my phone battery was at 25% but when I woke up it was at 46% not 25%.
14. In Edinburgh
Just awoken from a dream in which every Edinburgh pedestrian was dressed as an egg. Big oval costumes with leg holes, but no arm holes or eye holes. Chaos.
15. Someone else's record collection
Had a dream that I was DJing, but I forgot all my records. I had to use @fullofpenguins' vinyl instead but all he had was 30 copies of Female Of The Species by Space.
16. Possibly satire
All I dreamt about last night were zombie bankers molesting me with their elephant trunks.
17. On Christmas Eve
Was intending to be a good boy and go to midnight communion, but fell asleep and dreamt of breakcore instead.
18. A bit dark
Last night I dreamt horses were on fire. I asked an elderly couple if I could borrow their duvet cover to smother the flames. They refused.
19. The grime MC
Last night, I dreamt that Jme released a new single, but it was underneath a pavement and as a result a bunch of Dutch people lost an election inside an ice cream van.
20. All too real
Dreamt last night that my blog got deleted and that the entire world banking system collapsed causing poverty everywhere. My blog. My blog!