Christmas: it's the most Fat Rolandable time of the year

"It's swan juice," said a maid-a-milking. "He's liquidised the swans."

Since Fat Roland took over Christmas, things weren't quite the same.

You all remember the Christmases from your childhood. Logs on the fire, Cliff Richard on the tree, soot-dusted orphan children begging for more as grandma threw Quality Street sweets at them. The green ones hit best. Sharp edges.

It was all going so well. How you trilled with joy when X Factor scored Christmas number one year after year after year. Zuckerberg bringing in the death penalty for anti-Xmas Facebook groups was a genius move. The government declared Christmas "strong and stable in a manger" which everyone thought was very clever.

But since the US Defence Department declared lapland as an axis of evil, the joyful festivities faced an uncertain future. How could you forget the announcement on the news: Huw Edwards, still heavily caked in make-up from his Geisha phase, announcing Fat Roland was going to Santa's workshop to negotiate.

Obviously, the negotiations went awry and the rest is firmly written into the history books. Santa stockpiling nuclear materials. The army of sleighs. The robotic hummingbirds, which came as a bit of a surprise. The workshop explosions. The reindeer uprising. A triumphant Fat Roland piercing a flag into a stricken elf and declaring "Christmas is mine, finally mine."

And here you are. It's 2020. Fat Roland's version of Christmas. Carols are banned, replaced with filler tracks from mid-1990s IDM compilations. Midnight mass usurped by illegal raves in desolate forests. No-one's seen a turkey for weeks, and someone seems to have accidentally un-invented nut roast. Pringles for Christmas dinner again.

In Fat Roland's defence, no-one liked eggnog. And who knew a blended swan would come out white, just like milk? Starbucks made a killing.

Still... The dancing ladies have clocked off for the year. All six geese have a serious case of constipation, and half the leaping lords have done their back in. The twelve days of Christmas has been reduced to a half-hour special on 4Music. Things are not what they used to be.

2020 seems like a blighted Christmas, loyal reader, with many of your traditions locked away until a future year. A few people are blaming some kind of virus for the seasonal disruption, but you all know what went down. It's Fat Roland's fault. Look at Huw Edwards' immaculately mascaraed eyes. How could he be lying?

In the words of old crooner Andy Williams:

It's the most wonderful time of the year

With the kids exacting revenge for that time you threw chocolates at them

And everyone telling you be of good cheer

It's the most wonderful time of the year

It's not perfect. But it's still your Christmas. Make something good out of it. Many festive felicitations from Electronic Music Stuff with Fat Roland.

Oh, and if anyone has seen Fat Roland, please contact your local police. Thank you.

Further Fats: Fat Roland's Christmas message: just like the Queen's but with more poopy baubles (2019)

Further Fats: Merry pissmas (2006)