Jan 29, 2014

My problem with The Wolf of Wall Street


There's a film called Wolfy Wolf Street where Leonardo DiCaprio plays a he-wolf living on a street with other he-wolves while a load of she-wolves shave their fur off and howl at his request.

Leo-Wolf is a bad wolf who buys a yacht and a helicopter and bad stock cubes that are a bit like catnip for cats except it's not cats, it's wolves. The film lasts sixteen days and it's directed by a martian called Scorcese.

Martian-Scorcese is a man-martian and Leo-Wolf is a man-wolf and his sidekick is a Jonah-Wolf who's a wolf not a whale and he's a man-wolf too. There are lots of other men-wolves too numerous to remember because the martian man filled the film with as many men-wolves as he could fit in his imagination which is a lot because he's a martian.

When Leo-Wolf feels sad or tired or weird on bad stock cubes, he's nasty to his she-wolf mate. It's as if she's not a she-wolf but a barometer to reflect the mood of Leo-Wolf: a wolf-reflection. There's a British she-wolf and she's there to make an incest joke and plot get-out point. And there's another she-wolf and she wears pink and it's important to know she's a single mother and she cries and she owes her success to the he-wolves.

I don't think the martian likes she-wolves very much.

Leo-Wolf is based on a real wolf called Naughty Belfox or something and he's a nasty fox which is why the wolves in the film are being nasty too. The eighty-hour film is set inside Leo-Wolf's eyes and they're really big eyes because there are buildings and oceans and stuff.

The martian asks 'what does the fox say' and makes Leo-Wolf act it out, so it's not the martian's fault he doesn't like she-wolves. He's only really interested in telling the story of Leo-Wolf's character who's a nasty fox.

Except the martian chooses to show full she-wolf nudity and no full he-wolf nudity. That's a directorial decision and you can't palm it off on blaming the main character.

Except the martian decides that [SPOILER] the bit where Leo-Wolf stops using the bad stock cubes is skipped over completely. Which is odd because the film is fifty years long so the martian certainly had time to do that. Almost as if the martian *isn't* as interested in story as you might think but instead just wants to show lots of he-wolves howling and being horrible to she-wolves forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever.

I liked that other film. The film about the woman in space going round and round and trying not to drive the space-bus under 40mph in case George Clooney explodes. The film was 51% her-astronaut and 49% him-astronaut and they kept showing pictures of the earth as if to say "look, that is what the earth is made up of too".

That's MY earth, I thought when I saw the earth and thought about the earth.

Maybe they should make more films like that.


JPM said...

Ground control to Roland (Fat)
Ground control to Roland (Fat)
Take your sedatives, there's nothing wrong with that....

Fat Roland said...

Wait, I know this. Ronan Keating? No. Earlier than that. He looked weird, like a spaceman. David Essex? No. David Gray? No. David Guetta! No. Ronan Keating? Have I said Ronan Keating?

Tim Footman said...

Ronan Keating is Woody Allen's son but he'd rather be Bing Crosby's or something.